Struggling with work and parenting.

[manoody92]

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be a long post as I'm at my wits end, I have no one to vent to and I need outsiders opinions.

Ok, so I have a 22 month old gorgeous girl.
My husband insists I continue to work 2 days per week even though this means sending our daughter to childcare where she continues to get very ill and has had to be hospitalised 3 times in the last month due to different illnesses.

Because I only work part time I am then having to take the time off to look after her, which is now threatening my employment as I've had so much time off over the last 6 months.
This of course is taking a toll on my mental health and I am reaching breaking point knowing I am unable to work and look after our baby to my full potential.

After several discussions with my husband, he still insists I continue to work, and put our daughter in childcare.

This is simply just not working.
We are in a position where I know it isn't essential for me to work.
In his eyes if I am not contributing financially, I am not doing anything at all. He thinks I'll just sit at home all the time and do nothing (and yes, he has actually said that to me).

Yesterday, my daughter was so sick with fever she has a febrile seizure.
I called an ambulance, and I have never felt so sick in my life, my poor baby. This was the final straw for me.

How do I get through to my husband that this arrangement isn't working? And that I am contributing by being a full time mother to our gorgeous daughter? That I am not coping with working and sending her to childcare, and that it causes me horrendous anxiety?
I barely earn anything in my industry, and he earns excellent money.
I know we are financially ok, otherwise I wouldn't even consider this.

I just feel helpless, and like I am going to have to choose between my daughter or my job.

Advice/opinions would be much appreciated, I truly don't know what to do from here.

[manoody92]

Hi Goodwitch,

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. I would love to hear your story and any advice you can offer?

[manoody92]

Hi again everyone,

I posted a couple of days ago about my dilemma with working and sending my girl to childcare and suffering will illness/mental illness when work isn’t totally necessary, and not having support from my husband.

Well, we’ve since spoken about it and I will be giving my notice at my job and pulling my daughter out of childcare to sort everything out. But I feel like it’s too late? Like my feelings have been ignored for so long by my husband that I have started to resent him.
I don’t really know how to explain it.
I feel like I will never be considered equal in our marriage. I’m constantly on edge trying to prove myself. That’s not how a marriage should be!

My husband has agreed to go to counselling with me, but he thinks all the issues are mine. He wants to organise it through his work but it’s been put on the back burner like it’s not important.

I’m starting to feel like maybe I need to leave, I’m so confused.

[Terry73]

I think I responded to this but not sure why the post didnt come out, so I will try and word better.

I think what you are feeling is more of a weird sensation, that you now are not working and taking on the role of carer for your child and ultimately your family, this is not wrong, but I think it is more of a "new" situation that you and your husband need to adjust to.

I am just saying to give it a little more time, see how things go, and if it doesnt work out, you can then make some decision to change the situation.

The Counselor should be able to correct things in regards to your husband, if he is blaming you for it all, but make sure that he carries through with it, if not, take matters into your own hands and organize the counselor sessions(however be considerate of your husbands time too), it can only improve the situation.

I hope this helps

Terry

[Summer Rose]

Hi Manoody92

I think Terry has made some good points. I'm of a similiar mind, give your husband a chance to do the right thing.

In the meantime, I think it would be helpful for you to seek help for your mental health issues. I encourage you to make a double appointment with your GP to talk through the issues.

You don't have to wait for your husband to look after yourself and your mental health issues won't necessarily disappear because the situation has changed.

It might take a bit of time and effort for you to get back on track and that's okay. You've just taken a major first step and you're on your way to better health and wellbeing.

Kind thoughts to you

[GoodWitch]

Hi again Manoody

You asked to hear some of my story. 10 years ago I was at where you are now. I had expected I'd be able to stay home with my daughter for a while, until we had our 2nd child at least, but after a year my husband pretty much said he expected me to go back to work. I did because this expectation made me feel like he didn't think what I was doing by staying home was enough. He didn't feel like it was 'real work', even though any parent will tell you it's the hardest work you'll ever do! (Yes he said things to indicate this to me too, so much of what you say is familiar. It can hurt badly, I sympathise)

The problem with us was we made a lot of assumptions about what would happen when we should have discussed things. We both knew we wanted children but it was never discussed how they would be raised, whether I would work etc. He assumed I would, I assumed I wouldn't have to (financially we were ok as well & I didn't need to do it for the money).

Every time I dropped my girl off at daycare & she screamed for me & they had to pry her off my leg, I would get in the car and cry all the way to work. In those moments I truly hated my husband for 'making' me go back to work, but the reality is I didn't fight him on it either. We didn't talk like mature adults about it all. He didn't 'make' me do anything, my own sense of inadequacy did, bc it did hit me hard that I wasn't earning any money when I had always paid my own way.

I asked my hub to go to counselling then but he refused, so it's a positive sign that yours has agreed. Give him time to arrange it but if he doesn't you do it, or at least start seeing your own counsellor to sort out your issues. I am still with my husband but the resentment I felt then (about that and other things) got buried very deep, and now we are finally in counselling, 10yrs too late for my liking but it is helping. My hub has admitted that he was terrified of the financial pressure of being the only provider, that's why he'd wanted me to work. He also said he had no idea how strongly I felt about staying home, obviously we weren't communicating well. Couples therapy can definitely help with that, so do follow through.

Don't give up hope yet. Sometimes men can seem insensitive when really they don't know how to express themselves. That could be the case with your hub. For your kids' sake I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt until you learn more about how he really feels.

Best

GW