Struggling with having 2 young kids and fulltime work

[If_itsover]

I know this topic is all too familiar.

i have a 3 yrs and a 1 yr old. My husband doesn’t make enough income in warehousing/hospitality jobs so I have to work fulltime (as a senior accountant) and my husband stays at home fulltime.

these days I can’t get enough sleep, it’s a part of my routine. I can’t switch off. each nights 4-5 hrs of sleep is normal, too lucky to get 6. When I’m very busy 3 hrs or stay up all night. I used to neglect my sleep because I thought I can make up the sleep when I’m not too busy or I can get a rest when I feel tired. But constant pushing myself and lack of sleep became a pattern and its really affecting my immune system, happiness and energy level to do everythjng.

these days I also feel happier working on my spreadsheets than looking after my 3yo son. I get home the earliest at 6pm and he has to go to sleep by 9:30. In that time frame I set up dinner, feed, bath, washing dishes, clean up house, laundry, nappies for kids, play & read etc ... my son doesn’t understand why running the tricycle on mummy’s toes is so funny yet Mum cries in frustration. He doesn’t know why I scream when he touches my scented candles because I rely on it to calm myself down to get a better sleep yet I’m scared he might burn down the house so I have to put it away. Same to everything else that I enjoy, I put them away.

i haven’t have time alone and relax in 2.5 years, not even in the toilet. not so funny, it’s depressing. I tried to exercise and go to the gym. (I went twice in the last month, once at 1am-3am and 2nd time 9:30pm-11pm. Before this, I haven’t been exercise nor take care of myself in 4 yrs, since I first found out I was pregnant with my first child). After that my husband bought me some dumb bells so I can exercise at home, we also have a treadmill at home. So again, no excuse for me to get out of the house nor being away from kids.

I feel like it’s pathetic to complain about such selfish things like not having any time to go out or not having enough patience for my own children. However I feel like I’m borderlining depression and I don’t have any friend nor family that I can talk to. I don’t want to Facebook my problems even though I constantly think about it.

I’m hope this forum allows me to type away my depression, tiredness and parenting fails.

[geoff]

Hello If.itsover, and a warm welcome to you.

Working as an accountant is something my ex-wife used to do and I know how busy it is, but trying to catch any sleep isn't that possible, simply because how do you turn your mind off all these figures going through your head isn't that easy.

Posting on Facebook may or may not be what you want, and Paul started a thread called ' Facebook...The Good or the Bad...Your Say', so you can type this in the search bar above and it will appear, so posting may lead the door open for many other people to know what concerns you and so it spreads.

You have so much work you do at home as well as being an accountant, can't your stay at home husband help you out any more, because with all of this and then trying to cope with your children is an enormous amount of work.

I know that "time is of the essence" and July for an accountant is busy, but you need some time for yourself and remember saying that to my wife, and the only spare time to go swimming was on a Sunday, you maybe different, a Friday night or Saturday may suit you better.

The other concern is that you could be trying to push your feelings aside, that will never stop depression, it will only accumulate until it breaks, that's not what you want to happen, so you should be going to visit your doctor.

Maybe try and book it the day or night you go swimming, but would love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Can you tell your husband you want to go swimming, that is very relaxing letting the water take your body weight, plus it's great for depression, you can shut off and mentally de-stress, I thoroughly recommend it.

You are not complaining at all, please never think that it's obvious you are over extending yourself

[Summer Rose]

Hi if.itsover

I want to reassure you that you are not a failure and your concerns are not pathetic. I have walked in your shoes and I know how tough it is.

When my children were young I worked, then had a stint as the stay at home parent and then decided to work part time. Each arrangement had it's pros and cons and I belive every woman has to figure out what works best for her and her family. You are not alone.

I would recommend that you visit your GP to discuss your mental health and sleep issues, as a matter of priority. It would be best to book a double appointment. Improving your sleep patterns is critical, as everything will be easier to handle if you are well rested. Good sleep hygiene is also very important to your overall health.

I would also recommend that you sit down with hubby and renegotiate what duties are included in his role of stay at home parent. It's simply not fair that you work all day and then come home to household chores and that needs to stop. Not only are you exhausted, but the kids are missing out on quality time with you. Encourage him to do more or learn to ignore the mess.

It's a sad state of affairs when paid work is the only "break" you get. I used to feel exactly the same. I encourage you to negotiate free time with hubby and plan for it.

You both need this and should be able to help each other out. Sat mornings for you and Sat afternoon for him and Sun as family day. What do you think? If not, devise a plan that works for you.

Also, use your lunch breaks to exercise (even if it's just a quick walk) and commute time for leisure. Read or listen to music or Facebook or whatever works. It will help you to decompress before you walk through the door.

I am happy to talk any time. Kind thoughts to you

[If_itsover]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. It means a lot to me.

My husband does half the house chores for me already, when I come home I try to do what’s left. He’s doing a great job with keeping 2 kids alive, happy, fed and clean. Hes got his hands full while I’m working. Because of this I always feel thankful and I never ask for more of him. He’s always so calm and patience to me and the kids, whether he goes to work fulltime or stay home fulltime. The only time he gets stress is when we don’t have enough money or when I’m stressed. And even when he’s unhappy he doesn’t say it, he’s REALLY like a saint 😅. I cannot do the same as he does, I still try to learn and work on myself everyday to make work life balance.

[Denzel]

Hi Summer Rose,

I just want to say that I totally understand what you are going through. Raising small children with working parents (whatever the arrangement) has been the most challenging time of my life. My partner also shared all the household chores and child rearing but life was still very stressful. When I worked full time, I would come home from work and then work just has hard with the parenting and housework. And when I was the stay at home parent I was so exhausted when my partner came home that I was so glad he could look after the kids for a moment. I get what you mean about never having a single moment alone to relax. I get what you mean about the little things becoming overwhelming.

As already suggested here, the key for me was to schedule time away from the kids (whether it meant going for a walk, meeting friends for coffee or having a ‘date’ with my partner), just to regain my sanity (because I often felt like I was losing the plot😄). It helped put things back into perspective.

But most importantly and with the benefit of hindsight I now realise that it was a stage in my life and that things changed slowly over time. It didn’t last forever. I got to eventually go to the toilet in peace or sit down and have a cuppa without a toddler on my lap. Over time the physical demands of parenting decreased and I got to sleep 8 hours again. Of course parenting and working was still hard but it changed.

So hang in there. Find something that works for you to enable you to get the rest and the break you need. Even a small break can change everything. Seek help and support. And remember it will pass. Take care of yourself x

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

I hear what you're saying about hubby's contribution. It sounds like you feel he's genuinely doing his best and I'm really glad to hear this. Sometimes a situation is just hard and it's nobody's fault. It just is what it is.

Perhaps changing your work arrangements would help to give you the work/life balance you need. You'd have to do the sums to see if this is practical but could you reduce your work days?

I'm thinking both you and hubby could work part time and share the load. Maybe you could work three days per week and he could work two? Would help him keep his foot in the door for an eventual return to work. And you could step it up to full time when it suited you.

Just a thought.