Struggling with Partner’s Gambling Addiction and Dishonesty

[Guest_61430725]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because I’m feeling overwhelmed and hurt right now. My partner has a gambling addiction that has left him in a significant amount of debt. Despite this, he works most of the time and has recently sold his car, so I know he has the funds to budget properly.

We had planned to go to Scotland (my home country) with my family at the end of the year, and he initially said he would try to budget for it. However, he recently told me he probably won’t come. I even offered to help pay for his flights, but what hurts the most is the false hope he gave me.

I also know that he has been gambling online most days since we made the plan, and he has lied to me about it. He’s been getting help, which is good, but the continued gambling and dishonesty are breaking my heart. I feel stuck because I want our relationship to work with my whole heart, but his actions and words aren’t aligning. I’m scared to confront him because I don’t want to make things worse or cause him to hide it more in the future.

I feel so hurt and disappointed, and I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I want to create a safe space for honesty and support his recovery, but I can’t handle the lies and broken promises.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this conversation or cope with these feelings would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, 

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re sorry to hear you've been going through this, it can be incredibly difficult supporting someone with a gambling addiction. We can hear you’re a really caring partner and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place, but it’s also a difficult and scary time.  

It sounds like you've been a great support system but it is also important that you own needs are meet and it sounds like you need a place where you can also get support for your feelings. We're sure you’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you, although we know this person is seeking support it can still be helpful to know how to approach difficult conversations: 

• When someone you care about won’t seek support 

• Gambler's Help - support for people with gambling problems and also provides support to family and friends.

The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. 

Thanks again for sharing here. It's really important to look aftet your own wellbeing during this time and try to prioritise self-care, try and be kind to yourself. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and offering your support here on the forums, so we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Guest_68787177]

Hello,

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your gambling partner. 
Your post had given me the feeling as if it were my own post, given the many similarities and negative feelings I am all too familiar with myself. 
I know exactly what you’re going through, all the doubts, wanting to trust and then regretting it as soon as that trust was betrayed yet again. 
I was with my partner for 10 years, under the impression that he was saving for a ring, let alone a future together. Boy was I mistaken when I came across his bank statements and found 16 pages worth of endless online gambling transactions, totalling $1500 per day on average. 
I stuck by him to help him recover his debts and support him on his road to recovery. It went well for a little while, I made sure his rent, necessities and groceries were sorted before sending him x amount of spending money for the week. 
He gave me permission to have access to his online banking.
I eventually broke it off with him after I discovered that he opened up a new bank account behind my back to fund his pokies addiction. All that hard work for nothin’ it was just a facade to appear to be cooperating and to get me off his back while he dealt drugs to fund his addiction, borrowed from every person who hadn’t yet learned to not lend him anything, just so he could continue feeding those despicable machines. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it and it’s been almost 3 years since.

Am I truly over all that had happened? No. 
Do I still think about his betrayal and wonder why the fuck did this have to happen when we were once so compatible and loving and suitable? Yes.

But do I also look back on that heartbreaking decision with no regrets? Absolutely. 

Everyone is different so I can’t speak for you but if you feel as if you can no longer trust anything he does or says or if you find yourself being the only one who is putting in effort to save your relationship… then consider your options other than staying because it’s going to be like that for the rest of your life.  
And you deserve to be happy and secure. Wish you all the best