Struggling with my marriage

[ReeBecca]

I dont even know why I am writing this here..I just have no one I can tell this to. I have suffered from depression for a long time now. I have times when I am coping really well but I seem to always come back to this feeling of emptiness. I am wondering if maybe it is because I am not satisfied in my marriage.. I have been with my husband for 13 years and we are coming up to our 8th wedding anniversary. I have been with him since I was around 18 and he is a good man who loves me dearly and takes care of me and our children. The thing is I dont think I have ever been in love with him. When I was young I was a very confused young person and I really didnt know what I wanted in life or how to be alone. Anyway I feel like I got married too young and really didnt understand the committment i was taking on and now I feel like I have missed out on falling 'in love'. I know thats awful to say....

I always feel like I am craving love and passion..or wanting to be in love. Wanting someone who makes me laugh.. My husband plays a lot of video games and I feel like my life is just get up, get kids ready, go to work, pick kids up, bath them, cook dinner, put them to bed..and then say goodnight to my husband who is in his mancave, go to sleep..and do it all over again the next day. Which is not a bad thing..because I like routine..routine is good..Im just missing the passionate side of marriage that I feel like other people have.. My husband is very passionate towards me but I just dont feel that way about him. I just feel a bit lonely and want to be in love. does this even make sense? I have a husband who love me...but yet i feel lonely.

[geoff]

hello ReeBecca, being married means a committment by two people, share good times and comfort in bad times, have a sexual relationship that satifies each other and enjoy the wonders of our children, sounds perfect doesn't it, but in many cases this isn't what happens, as over time the marriage seems to become stale, our lack of excitement diminishes, even though we say we love each other.
Getting married at a young age could mean that as we grow older we realise what we have missed out on or didn't actually have it to become with, because falling in love at a young age is different to falling in love at a much later date, because we mature, and as we mature our thoughts, ideas and expectations can change dramatically, just as falling in love in again is different at a young age to when we are older.
What if you started trying to fall in love with him by doing anything that you had fantasized over doing that you have kept quiet and not told him, would he want to indulge, you know something out of the ordinary, something that you have dreamed about, but also kept quiet, because as I see it your day is the same day in day out, there's no excitement, so perhaps get a babysitter for the weekend and you he go and something that you were always afraid of doing.
In my marriage we or I left it too late before my depression hit me which ended our marriage, and unfortunately in a long marriage that's what happens, because we think that anything daring would be taken as getting a simple no from our spouse.
I hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff.x

[pipsy]

Hi ReeBecca. I'm wondering if he was your first bf, by that, I mean the first serious bf. I'm inclined to go along with a lot of what Geoff says. However, perhaps if you and hubby joined a social club where others your age group could get together and discuss things besides kids etc. Do you have a lot of common interests? Perhaps you feel a bit 'humdrum' now because you see your gf's going away o'sea's, going out night-clubbing etc. My first hubby was mad keen on hot-rods so we joined the local hot-rod club. They used to have a social get together once a month, that was heaps of fun. Would your hubby be interested in joining a club? Marriages tend to go stale if they're not spiced up now and again. Ask him about joining a social club? I agree sitting in his man-cave night after night can be boring for you. Do you listen to music together?

Lynda.

[ReeBecca]

Thank you both for your responses. He would always be open to anything I suggested. He is always willing to do anything which is what makes him such a wonderful person. He would do anything for me. The truth is though I have no desires or fantasies when it comes to him. If i am being honest there are times Ive thought about other men...but i would never ever go ourside my marriage.

We have zero interests in common also. it is amazing how different we are. Although he is a good man and great father he is almost childlike in the sense that I have to make all the decision..I would love him to take over some things but he just doesnt. I know this is silly but I am even the driver in thw house..he will never drive whenever we have to go anywhere. Even on long trips. Yes pipsy he was my first serious boyfriend. I agree though that I should try and find something that we can enjoy together. Im just not sure what. At times I will suggest going to see a movie but then we dont like the same type of movies so we'll end up watching something that interests him because id feel bad making him sit through something he doesnt like. I really like thrillers or dramas or something serious where he only likes comedies or superhero movies. Its all so petty but its just the little things that make it hard to have common interests. I need to think of something though.

on firdays or weekends he'll have a friend over and ill think great ask them for dinner..we should watch a movie or play a board game..but then they will just go and play video games and watch a movie by themselves so ill just go to bed.

[ReeBecca]

I have to add..that i do love him. How could I not after all the time we've been together. he is my family and a very caring person. I just cant shake the emptiness I feel at times when Im wanting intimacy...How do I fall in love with my husband?

[pipsy]

Hi Reebecca. He sounds a lot like my ex in that his interest in movies differ so much to yours. I like dramas too. The main thing with my ex is that money-wise he made ALL the decisions where yours won't even discuss money. You go to work, does he, what sort of work does he do? Perhaps if you could get away with others for a while, not a permanent separation, but perhaps time away might be a good thought. Maybe if you had a holiday with someone from work, do you keep contact with school friends? Do you have anyone you could perhaps meet up with for a 'girls' outing. I'm sorry to say this, but I feel you need a life of your own so hubby can do his thing. Where your kids go to school, do you know other mother's, perhaps a group of mothers could get together for an outing so you wouldn't feel so bored.

Lynda.

[ReeBecca]

Yep he does work. He has a good office job. But a couple of times I have tried getting him to take over looking after the finances but he cant keep up with it so its just easier for me to manage it.

you are so right..I do need to find a life of my own and leave him to his hobbies. And maybe that is what the issue is! I dont have many friends. I have always found ot difficult to go to social things...I desperately want to but then feel awkward and silly so I never let my hair down and make real friends. But thats just something I need to overcome. There is one lovely mother whose daughter is friends with my daughter and she always makes me feel at ease when talking to her so I might ask her if she'd like to get together for dinner. I dont really have anyway to go away with for a weekend or a holiday but that would be lovely haha

[pipsy]

Hi Reebecca. I'm so pleased you're going to make the effort and build a life for you. I used to feel inadequate when I met new people for the first time, then I realized, they feel just as unsure. Women always worry their hair isn't sitting right, their make-up is overdone/underdone. As I've gotten older, I've found the only way to overcome this issue is to tell myself that no matter what anyone else thinks, as long as I'm happy. My ex used to delight in telling me I had to listen, not say too much etc. This knocked me for a six, then one day I watched him talking to other men/women. He has a habit of saying 'yes' all the time, and 'mmming'. I never said anything, but it did open my eyes to the fact that we all have our own idiosyncrasies, and no-one has the right to make you feel inferior. As long as you're comfortable with who and what you are, that's what makes you, you. You'll find when you have coffee/dinner with your new friend, you'll relax, talk 'girl' talk and feel so much more refreshed for talking to another woman.

Lynda

[ReeBecca]

Thanks Lynda. That's great advice. I agree also..as you get older things that once worried you so much (like what people are thinking of you) dont seem to matter as much. Thank you both for listening. Its helped a lot getting things off my chest. I really appreciate it.

[topsy_]

Hello Reebecca,

I've been reading through these posts & just thought I'd add my "2 bobs worth" (that's showing my age!)

I have been married to my 2nd husband for nearly 18 years now. We have had a rough spots but if you're prepared to work through them you can usually improve things.

My husband wouldn't be able to work those games that tend to draw the guys in so much. But I know of a friend whose husband sounded like yours. Eventually she read him the riot act & they agreed that he could game on certain nights but others were going to be their special times. Or else he could play the games after she went to bed each night.

In our family I am also the budget person & the chauffeur. My husband doesn't have his licence even. And, like you, I can get really fed up with it too. I'm a bit ashamed to say that sometimes I let off steam about it & feel hard done by. After I get it off my chest though it's alright again.

I only have one very close friend & I don't belong to any groups or anything. My friend is 12 years older than me & my husband nearly 5 years, so I realise I might be on my own one day & then I will have to employ all the advice above. I should do it now but I'm not.

I hope you work out ways to feel better about your life. From your writing you sound like a lovely caring & intelligent woman. I really do wish you well.

Lyn.