How to move on from a first love

rmcs88 · ‎29-04-2016

Hi guys,

I broke up w my bf 2.5 months ago after a 2 year r/ship and we lived together for majority of it. Im struggling! I had a melt down when i couldn't resist the urge to check his Facebook and saw that he was talking to this women. This was my worse nightmare coming true that he would move on really soon and I'm still struggling dealing with it. He told me that finding someone was the last thing on his mind. I'm probably over thinking this but its still hurts to think that he has moved on so easily. My self esteem, self confidence, self worth and self love has take a nose dive and I'm getting bad anxiety. The anxiety gives me physical chest pains and Im finding it hard to breathe. He said that he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and that he fell out of love with me. I saw a future w him and now its all gone. All my friends have said that it takes time and that there is someone out there who will love you and fight for you. But Im finding it so hard to let go of my ex as he was a good bf. My fear is that I won't find that person and i'll be all alone. Loneliness is my weakness.

Sorry for the long post

White_Rose · ‎30-04-2016

Dear RMCS

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. When relationships fail there is usually heartbreak for at least one partner. He may be sad at leaving you but if he did not want a monogamous relationship, then it's best to let him go now.

I understand you do not want to be alone, especially at this time. May I suggest you cancel your FB account and stop checking up on him. This only brings more pain for you and will not help the situation.

Can I make a suggestion? Instead of mourning your lost love and wondering who will mend your broken heart, why not fill your days with what makes you happy. The best partnerships are those where both people lead their own lives to some extent. To rely on the other to supply all your needs is a hard ask. Of course you will go out to places together and have some interests in common. But even that last one is not always necessary. You are more interesting and independent when you do your own thing. It's a great buffer against feeling lonely and show you are a strong young woman.

Look for what makes you pleased with life. Try helping others, develop a hobby from something you always wanted to do. And if a new love appears, don't throw away your independence. Only controlling and jealous partners want to stop you doing what is good for you.

Please write in again.

Mary

rmcs88 · ‎30-04-2016

Dear Mary,

I blocked him and the women so that i couldn't see anything on his Facebook page. but the urge is still there. the constant thoughts of what is he doing? is he meeting other women? has he forgotten me already?

I've forgotten self love and I feel undesirable because he doesn't see me that way anymore and i loved him deeply.

pipsy · ‎01-05-2016

Hi rmcs88. Breaking up is never easy, finding one of you has moved on is even harder to comprehend. Mary is right about not keeping track of his movements though. Each time you discover he has a new gf, or hobby, it's harder to get on with your life. I think also when you're consciously trying to replace one lost love with a new one, you tend to jump in 'boots and all'. If you just enjoy your life and have some fun, you may eventually meet Mr Right. One of my teachers used to say no matter how black the sky appears, it will shine again. I don't know if you've ever heard of the late N.Z singer Graeme Brazier. I was at school with him when I was 12 or 13. I had the most major crush on him (can't think why, now). I would follow him everywhere at school, I think I was his biggest fan ( he hadn't started his career then). It broke my heart big time when we moved, but within a year, I was 'in love' again. Each time a bf ended it, it hurt, but I learnt to get on with my life and you will too. When you're not looking for him, you'll find him. That's usually when true love happens.

Lynda.

White_Rose · ‎02-05-2016

Hello RMC

I am sure you have been told many times that this pain will end. At the moment you are not in the mood to listen to these comments and I do not blame you. I know you are hurting and I would like to help you if I can. Can you get your courage together and arrange a night out with your friends. If you think this will be too much, then go out with a couple of friends. But no discussion of your ex BF. Focus on the activity you are enjoying.

You can also write about your ex. Use whatever words you want but when you are done, read the words out loud to yourself and then rip up the page or burn it. Try it and see what happens.

Surround yourself with lovely friends and great dates with them. Put your head up and say, "I am beautiful just as I am. I can live my life without someone to run after me".

Mary