Struggling to support partner with mental health deterioration

[Anonymous-11]

My partner has faced significant grief, and loss over the past two years. We have been together five years, but he has suffered with  anxiety and depression for 20 years+.
It feels like a constant battle with his mental health, choices and behaviour. His mood swings from happy and future planning, to cutting me off and isolating within short periods of time. 
Some days I can see how hard he tries to overcome his symptoms, and other days he says he sees no future for himself.

We live in separate houses, with distance between us, and I see that things become worse when we have no physical contact. 

He has been isolating himself more significantly, over the last six months. 
I’m an empathetic person, and I try my hardest to support him through everything he has been handling these past two years, but I’m struggling to keep going when I don’t know if I’ll have to walk on eggshells or wake up to someone that wants to be present on a daily basis. 

He has reluctantly started counselling which I hope will help him. I’m just so unsure how to continue supporting and loving him when I feel like I keep being cast aside from his life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[indigo22]

Hi Anonymous-11,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

What you are attempting to do (supporting someone with mental illness) is a difficult role at the best of times, but with grief and loss on top, you really have your work cut out for you.

I would like to speak from the position of someone who has been through something similar. I have been dealing with depression for more than 50 years and I had significant losses about 15 years ago which broke my will to keep living. It is by far the most difficult time I have lived through. Your partner has no control over his emotions at present, there is too much emotion to deal with on a daily basis, depression, anxiety, grief. Its like a pyramid of emotions that are weighing your partner down. The counselling will help, but you need to be aware that it will take some time to see some improvement. There will be good days, but there will also be difficult days due to the grief and loss. Grief takes as long as it takes and is different for everyone, but it does come to an end eventually.

As you are supporting your partner, you also need to be getting support and taking care of your own mental health or you will start to struggle as well. Getting some counselling yourself would be a good idea for two reasons. It will help you with your emotions and stress, but you will also be able to ask about ways you can be supportive to your partner in given situations. You also need to be conscious of recharging your own batteries by doing things that are out of the realm of support. Spending time in nature, catching up with friends, I find comedy is very helpful (anything that makes you laugh out loud is very useful) a book, a live show or a video.

You can also contact Carer Gateway for some resources in your area.

1800 422 737 - Monday to Friday 8am-5pm

You can also reach out to us in this thread any time you wish, we are always here to listen and offer advice.

I hope this helps and please let me know if you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Anonymous-11

I think one of the toughest things to master in life involves making greater sense of why we think and feel in the ways we do. While the reasons behind some thoughts and feelings can be incredibly obvious to us, yet still not easy to manage, other factors can seem so far from obvious to the point where it can all feel like a form of torture.

With the less obvious stuff, I'm glad your partner now has someone they can speak to in order to help them make better sense of things. A guide who can also help them see a way forward at certain times could be another need of theirs (at times where they lose their sense of vision). If they're in the habit of keeping things to themself, I can completely understand why you'd be struggling to make sense of their thoughts and feelings at any given time. It can be almost impossible to see what another person sees in their mind, hear what they hear in the way of internal dialogue and feel in the way of the emotions they feel unless they share those things with us. Does your partner feel comfortable in sharing these things with you, in order to give you a better sense of what's going on within them? Btw, there can be a number of reasons as to why people are unable to share such things, such as

• They don't know how to, as they've maybe never had to do it before. In other words, they may not know how to express themself
• They don't want to burden others, stress them or bring them down
• They've been conditioned into keeping their thoughts and feelings to themself, perhaps since childhood
• They're determined to work things out for themself

or maybe there is some other reason.

I'm wondering whether your partner's able to tell you why they self isolate. From my own experience with depression, I've found I do this for a few different reasons. Sometimes it's about internal dialogue, with a part of me insisting 'You should be able to work this out for yourself' or 'No one really cares about you, so there's no point discussing things with anyone'. The inner dialogue that can come with depression can be so destructive and misleading, leading us away from speaking to those who do care and can help. Sometimes it can be about a 'time out', which allows me time to myself to make better sense of things. Sometimes it can be about feeling sorrow for myself, sad for a part of me or parts of me that wish life could be different. So, it can be nothing against our partner, more so about what's going on internally. Of course, no matter the reason, it doesn't make it easy on our partner at times.

As indigo mentions, it's important you have someone you can speak to in regard to helping you make greater sense of the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing, as well as those that can be involved in such a challenging relationship. I have to say that I'm blessed to be a gal who has a number of people in my life who are happy to wonder with me, so that I'm not left wondering alone when it comes to certain mental, emotional and even soulful/soul destroying challenges. So important to have people around us who are prepared to wonder with us. ❤️