Hi adambr
My heart goes out to you as you experience so many of the challenges and mixed emotions that can often come with being in a relationship with someone who drinks. Being a parent definitely adds to it all.
Just to set the scene, I'm married to and live with a guy who drinks and we have a 20yo son and 23yo daughter together. He's not an excessive daily drinker but still a daily one who is known to drink to excess some nights, especially on the weekends when there's more time to drink outside of work. My daughter has next to no respect for her father and my son sees his father as being 'his own worst enemy' (a more forgiving attitude), so I can relate to where your kids are coming from. My kids will vouch for emotional detachment being a constructive form of self preservation and a way of getting on with much happier life.
As I'm sure you can relate to, there are so many questions in need of answering when it comes to living with someone who experiences alcohol use disorder. My kids and I have questioned so much over time, individually and between the 3 of us, and we've hit on a number of liberating revelations in the process
- A drinker doesn't see any major problems. The actual reason for there appearing to be no major problems is because there is a 'fixer' in the family, the person who works around them to make sure there are no major problems or issues. Someone in the family needs a lift somewhere, the fixer is the one who drives when the other person has been drinking. Someone needs to step up in the case of an emergency, the fixer is always the one who steps up when the other person's been drinking. The fixer also helps others manage their challenges and emotions when a drinker's not in a fit state to. The list goes on and on. The fixer becomes the 'go to' person when the drinker's not the one to go to. While kids can lose respect for the parent who drinks, they tend to gain more respect for the parent who they come to recognise as managing or fixing so much alone
- You can't reason with an unreasonable person. This revelation has definitely helped save my sanity and the sanity of my kids too. We actually came to give my husband/their father an 'alter' name. When he's sober, he has his actual name. When he's been drinking, we refer to him as 'Ian'. It's the name my daughter came up with. It just popped into her head. While my husband's somewhat unreasonable at times (unable to give and accept good reason), 'Ian' is completely unreasonable. Trying to reason with an intoxicated person is like bashing your head against a wall. There's nothing that compares to the relief that comes when you stop doing it. I imagine one of the reasons your kids don't talk to their mum a lot is because they can't reason with her
- 'My drinking is not a problem, it's everyone else who has the problem' is a belief that can be hard to change until the problems become so significant that they cannot be denied. Until a significant wake up call presents itself, the idea remains 'I don't need to go and get help for something that's not a problem for me'. Being a somewhat heavy drinker throughout my 20s while facing long term depression, I can understand why drinking feels like the best solution. It becomes the liquid solution or potion that magically takes away a sense of sadness and shame, magically offers emotional relief, magically erases the depressing stuff that can run through the mind/imagination etc etc. It's like magic in a bottle. While some remain under its spell, other's wake up to find what everyone else was fully conscious of all along and that is the level of dysfunction and heartbreak that 'solution' can lead to
I no longer sugar coat the truth when it comes to discussing the issues drinking presents in my relationship with my husband and his children's relationship with him. There is definitely nothing sweet about 'I refuse to tolerate your behaviour when you've been drinking. Go away and come back when you're sober'. My daughter can be far from sweet in her occasional advice to him when he's been drinking, 'Dad, you're pathetic'. His response, 'She has no respect for me'. Hmmm🤔, what can you say? Sad thing is he's a good man with a good heart who has a problem, whether he admits it or not. Again, I feel for you so deeply and the heartbreak you must be feeling. Sounds like you have really good kids who are more than willing to support you even if they can't fully understand why you love their mum.
