Struggling to keep it together - infidelity

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Back in November last year I discovered my husband had another life online in the fet world which last year switched over to meeting women for sexual contact. He was on every hook up site known to the world, living another world of online sexting, explicit conversations, videos and actively looking for a ***buddy and (third) buddy. After the confrontation, the last months have been lots of individual counselling (both of us) and couples. His other life is so all out of character and I have been struggling with accepting what he has done. He loves me, I love him and we are trying to get our marriage together (after 20 years). He is depressed and he is I guess had a breakdown but the online behaviour for over 5+ years (without mw knowing) i feel is something else. 

I'm no stranger to depression, but this is crippling. I'm not sure if this going to end .. all this fear, anxiety, sadness, anger.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Nik,

Welcome to beyond blue. It sounds like you have had to take in a lot of difficult information in a short time, that would be confronting indeed. It also sounds like you have noticed your reaction including sometimes confusing and big emotions. There are others here who are going through or have been through something similar. I have found it helps to write it down on the forums and the people here are compassionate and good listeners. 

I really do admire your commitment to the relationship and that you still identify with your love and care of your partner. 

I wonder though if you have some things you can do to give you respite from it all and feel yourself for an afternoon, you know, gardening, or getting a haircut, or coffee with friends. That stuff is so important for me to keep on track.

Hope to see you around on the beyond blue forums.

Rob.

[geoff]

dear Nic, well I am horrified by what you told us, and this would denigrate my feelings for him, especially if he is hooked up to most sites, and if he is that unhappy then why not separate from you even though you say he loves you.
The word love has so many connotations to it, where it does immensely change over the period of being married or any relationships, where it's possible to love someone you don't live with or even divorced with, and it can as be that people love each other because they care for them, but this distinction we may not know which type of love it is.
I'm sorry to mention this, but do so because I always thought that my ex still loved me and have said this before on the site many times, but I was wrong she only cares for me and that's it, so now our relationship has changed enormously for me now.
Both you and the rest of us have been through depression before, so we know what it feels like, but I believe that your husband has extended his terms of being in love with you.
There are some things which we don't tell our partner/spouse, those white lies, we all have them, but this is far beyond a little secret, it costs money to be on a dating site and who knows which ones are genuine, I have no idea, but the same also happens on facebook.
I know what I would like to say to you, but that would not be appropriate, unless you want to ask me, but I'm sure you know. Geoff. x

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Thank you rob. I find it hard to have some 'me' time as we are in the process of selling our house (another huge stress) and as I haven't told any Friends or family about the marriage probs I find it hard to even drag out my happy mask.

im desperately trying to find to the emotional capacity to do what i love (I'm an artist)but everything/everyone else gets in the way. I can't create when my heart is do blackened and damaged.

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Thank you Geoff. I have been questioning what 'love' reallymeans

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Nic71

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I hear that it's the hardest thing to get back - trust in a relationship, but it can be done. I hope he is as committed as you are. In the meantime it sounds like you need to get the "you" back - as hard as it sounds find yourself again, spend time looking after yourself, do things with friends, go away with them, exercise... getting fit will help you feel better.

 Keeping something as massive as this from family and friends is a big move - I admire your strength for that. I just hope your husband has been held accountable for what he's done (including testing for STI's, open access to his phone, internet and email accounts). I'm sure Geoff may have wanted to say some of these things, but I've done it without asking so apologies if not wanted.

 I really do hope you get back into your art, I'm sure it will come with time. House moving is a massive strain, however you say everyone/everything else is getting in the way, care to elaborate on this??

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Thank you Apollo B. I guess I always put others first.

 I just want it to all go awsy

[Apollo_Black]

"I guess I always put others first"

 Time for that to change, as hard as it sounds. Sounds like you need to make You a priority!