No friends and feeling lonely

lyingcat · ‎11-03-2016

Hi BeyondBlue community. As the title says, I'm feeling lonely because I haven't got any friends. I have a best friend but she hardly talks to me anymore and I don't want to hang out with her because she keeps taking drugs. I have two other friends that I haven't talked to in months and they never want to hang out because they're super introverted. Granted, I'm really introverted too. I can spend weeks at a time without hanging out with friends but right now I feel really lonely because I have no one. No friends that want to spend time with me.

I figured if I got a job and studied I'd have friends. I have a job but there's only old people there (I'm 19). I go to TAFE and I am so desperate to make friends in my class I feel sad. A girl I really want to be friends with is really cool but she doesn't talk, just sits on her phone when the group is talking. I'm kinda obsessed with her, it's pathetic. I did a favour for her today (without getting into it) but she left with her friends I guess so I couldn't talk to her which made me feel sad. I don't feel good enough.

She literally just texted me saying she owes me for the favour I did and now I'm feeling better but that's bad because I'm letting her control my emotions. It's the same thing that happened when I was crushing on a guy last year. Same friends who didn't want to hang out, or my best friend just wanted to do drugs - so I let him be the focus of my emotions and so when they don't react the way I imagine I feel really put down.

I know what I need to do. Go out, find some hobbies. I've been wanting to do boxing for a while. I'm just shy and it's hard. I don't like meeting people. That's the hard part to me. I guess I just wanted to use this to vent.

The thing that makes this worse is my younger sister by a year is really popular. Not that I want to be popular, I only like having a few friends, but it stings that she can make friends so easily and I have none. My parents are supportive but I can tell my extended family look at me as a loser because I'm not partying or drinking, and I've never dated.

I'm sorry. This is way too much unnecessary information but I don't really have anyone to talk about it to. Maybe family, but I don't want to annoy them or make them pity me.

Thanks.

pipsy · ‎11-03-2016

Dear lyingcat. May I say not a very nice thing to call yourself. You sound as though your biggest problem is total shyness. When you're as shy as you obviously are, you feel inferior as though you don't have anything to offer a potential friend. You are not a drug user (be grateful for that). Also you are not a drinker (another blessing). Actually you probably do have a lot to offer a friend. I would say, you're probably a very true, supportive person, but I think you're looking in the wrong place for friends. May I ask what you're studying? You said you're keen on boxing, do you ever go to the gym to watch boxing? I would venture to suggest that you go and watch them sparring. If you went to watch, you would meet people who have the same interests. You need to be with people who have the same interests as you. If you try talking to people who dance, drink etc, they bore you because you're not interested in them. Once you're with like-minded people, you soon forget your shyness because you talk to people who share your interest. This starts you talking. Maybe you should observe your sister with her friends, to give you some pointers on general conversation. Don't worry how your family view you, if you try to please them, you are going to be more miserable, because you have to be you, not an extended version of them. Once you start getting involved with boxing or something you're really interested in, they will start to see a different you. Try going to the gym, for a start. If that doesn't work, look online for boxing outlets you could join.

Jacko777 · ‎14-03-2016

Welcome lying cat! I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling and I am glad pipsy has given you some great comments and ideas.

I relate to how you are feeling. Some times I have to just forget about for my self for a while, drop all the emotion and just be. I take a holiday from thinking about my self, the constant self analysis can wear a bit thin. So whenever a negative thought comes to mind I practice switching it to a positive, I focus sharply on the good things in life that make me calm and happy. That which does not serve me is out the window. The more you practice going down the positive path the easier it becomes, it becomes a mindset.

Perhaps you can just get to know people without the pressure of 'making friends.' Have love in your heart, forget about your self and talk to people, with practice it becomes easier. It helps me to know my self, I know that I am a caring and nice enough person, I show interest in others and have empathy for their problems, so if I am judged by others that would be a reflection of them, not entirely of me, it's up to me to know where the truth lies. Some times you just have to expect the unexpected with people, we are all different and quite likely you won't always get the reaction you might hope for, maybe you can find people that respond how you expect or maybe you can love people anyway, regardless. You can get your fill in other ways, in the boxing ring? I think using drugs is a symptom of something else, maybe your friend is struggling and this is how she copes, could you inspire her to meet up and do something together, drug free? You both might like that.

Hey you can talk here any time, much as you want.

Jack

Neo · ‎15-03-2016

Hi

check a site out called meetup. Heaps of different activities and interests of people in all kinds of age groups. Remember most of the people are exactly like you so put yourself out there and have fun.

Hope this helps and good luck

Ella_rosey · ‎16-03-2016

Jacko777,

You seem to have it all sorted and I totally relate to what your saying. Whether your shy or outgoing your positivity (smile) can change the way you meet people. Some days I can chat with lots of people because I'm so happy other days I really turn inside my shell and become quietly spoken. People pick up on your vibes.