Struggling to accept separation even though I ended things
This is the first time I've ever posted information about my private life on a public forum but I'm hoping it may help get some perspective. Long story short I have been with my partner 13 years and have 2 gorgeous children. In May I decided I could not stay in the relationship purely because I felt we had grown apart and felt he was not right for me and I felt I spent more time being angry at him and wishing he would change then actually living a good life. It took months and months to make this decision but I moved out of our family home with the girls. To keep things as normal as possible for the girls who are only young 6 and 2 he still would stay at my house 2 or 3 nights a week to spend time with them. Seperate rooms though. Anyway last week he dropped a bombshell that he recently met someone else. Since he told me I have not felt myself at all. I'm shaky all the time, my heart pounds and I feel so sad all the time and cry ALOT. The thought of him with someone else is killing me even though I had been the one to end things. And the thought of another women in my kids life scares the crap out of me. I might add this is the first serious relationship I've ever had as I met him at aged 23. Never had a real break up before and certainly not with the kids involved etc. whilst I know we are not right for each other at the moment I feel I would rather try and get back together with him so I'm not alone and don't have to see him with anyone else and have anyone else involved in my children's lives. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thinking logically, things between you and your partner must have been quite bad for you to have left him. Although you and he had an arrangement so as to cushion your children over the split, you both weren't going to be able to hide it forever.
So a new potential step mum coming into the picture has thrown a "spanner in the works". But such feelings if jealousy(?) Or other has sparked you into action but it could be too late.
For readers this is a good lesson to seek counselling when things begin to get pear shaped.
Back to you. What would I do now?. I'd meet with your ex partner alone regularly on the basis of building a strong parental bond for the benefit of your children. During such times build a friendship. Keep abreast if his progress with his gf.
Then wait. No pressure.
Thats all you can do. When and if he ends it with her you can tell him how you feel.
Others might gave other opinions which will be good to get.
Hi Ellabella. Even though you ended the relationship, such as it was, I sort of feel you were hoping to eventually reconcile. This hasn't happened though, and the reality is, he's moved on. As Tony WK said, his actions have 'thrown an unexpected spanner' into the equation. It sounds like possibly meeting and discussing his new living arrangements would be helpful for both of you. Maybe also set some boundaries in regards to disciplining the children. Maybe also include his new partner so you have an idea where she is in regards to having the children on a regular basis. Often when parents spilt and a new partner appears, children can become confused as to who is who. By that I mean the new partner might try to become the 'substitute parent' and try to enforce discipline. This can cause unnecessary problems for the children visiting the non-custodial parent who has the new partner. If the children see that their parents are amicable, this means that visiting the non-custodial parent, is easier than if the parents are constantly at loggerheads.
Hi E.B. You are still trying to process he's left you and started a new relationship. That in itself is pretty raw for you. You still love and care for him and knowing there is another person in his life would be aggravating. It's a good idea to keep his relationship with your daughters separate from his new gf. Sometimes when marriages or any sort of long term relationship ends, the knowledge that someone new has entered the equation leaves the ex partner feeling inadequate. The ex partner will sometimes start questioning their own ability to keep a relationship going. This is part of depression and betrayal, the feeling of 'I'm not even out of the picture yet' makes you feel you were never really in the picture, to begin with. The other side to this is, if he can replace me so quick, should I try to replace him. It almost becomes an 'anything he/she can do' situation. What, if anything are you doing about you? If you are sitting, waiting for this new gf to possibly fizzle out so he can then be as lonely as you, you are not going to start re-building your life. Yes, you need to grieve, be angry, feel betrayed, but you also need to care for you and your daughters. Try spending time with them, enjoy their company, ask them if there's something they want to do with just mum. Don't try 'competing' against their dad. Their time with him is theirs and his, make your time with them, yours and theirs. Tony's suggestion of counselling is good, I would suggest one- on- one counselling to help you work through your anger and grief.