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Son & DIL Seperating Slowly

FeathersnFluff
Community Member
My son has decided to seperate from his wife of a year. They have two small boys under 3 My son came to me with a heavy heart telling me he couldn't keep going to work coming home cleaning the house and taking care of both boys. I know being a stay at home is a big job but not even the basics are getting done. When I visited the kids are dirty and running around with very little supervision. I have always been scared for their safety.....I have never said a word about it to my DIL because I don't want to interfere. Anyway when my son said he was leaving her she tried to harm him and told him he would never see his children again. The Police became involved and put a Domestic Violence Order in place against my DIL. . It's a big long background story but what I'm trying to get too is my son is trying to seperate nicely by dropping in to see the boys every day after work, teaching her to cook, driving her to appointments etc. I understand his motivation ....he wants the boys not to be traumatised and wants to go through mediation rather than a big court case. All this would be fine except my DIL has mental health issues and is a self confessed every day pot user. When she is at her worst she lashes out at people and it makes it hard to reason with her. To be quite honest I am worried for the safety of my Grandchildren and my son. My son says leave it to him. He can handle everything. So I have tried to stay out of it but it's very stressful. Has anyone else been through a similar situation?
29 Replies 29

Thank you Geoff. I appreciate your concern. I am sure the road ahead will be a long one but we are a strong family and we will get there in the end. At least I know there are people here who care. I am sure I will pop in again 😊

I'm sorry everyone that I am back on the Radar so soon. I had a terrible experience this afternoon. I had gone with my husband for him to have some stitches removed and whilst we were in his Office he warned us iur DIL was in the waiting room with both our Grandchildren. He cautioned us not to interact in any way when we left so as not to cause drama.

Unfortunately both my husband and I glanced across and both boys were holding their hands out to us. The elder Grandson smiled widely and tried to run to my Husband and I but he was quickly yanked back by his Mother. His little face crumpled in tears and we had to just keep on walking. My Husband had tears in his eyes when we got to the car. Our son came for a visit yesterday hoping to bring the boys for a quick visit but our DIL would not allow it.

Today was the first day of my son and his wife's Mediation sessions which my son has insisted on to keep things smoother for the boys and stay out of court. He told me it was a total failure because his wife became very hostile and negative and nothing was gained from the meeting. They have two more meetings yet so I am ever hopeful they can get a Parenting Plan in place.

Just needed to vent. Feeling very emotionally damaged at the moment.

I’ll never understand cruelty especially to children.

i hope your son gets his rightful visitations in place so he can have uninterrupted time with his children and share them with you.

life is tough. Perhaps you need a holiday and leave it all to mediation, lawyers and your son to sort and be supportive on the phone.

Hook up a caravan!

Seriously her behaviour is childish to say the least.

TonyWK

Thanks Tony. I wish we had the financialresources to disappear for a little while. ...it would be nice. It's obvious this seperation is going to be nasty so we will help him weather out the storm. The last thing he wants is nasty legal action to traumatise the boys. I have started keeping a diary from today that both boys might have when they are older. Photos of what we have done with them up until now and funny little things they did and said. Presents we have sent them and cards. If we can't see them just yet I want them to know how much we love and care about them.

Hello FeathersnFluff, I'm so sorry, it's not a pleasant situation for you to be trying to cope with, and even if you did have the 'financial resources' to go away, your mind would still be thinking about the boys.

Going away doesn't necessarily mean you won't be thinking of them.

In your diary put some photos of you and your husband so in the future so they relay to their kids how kind you were but unable to see them because of-------

Take care.

Geoff.

Good idea. I would also encourage your son to keep a detailed diary of all interactions between her and also your experiences for any future court judgements.

Just an off topic mention- My mother was of similar personality as your DIL. When I was a toddler she caused the split up of my father to his 6 siblings. We didnt see most of them throughout my childhood. Then with the tool of Facebook about 60 years later a cousin from one of those aunties contacted me. Her mother, one that was estranged was 92yo with failing health. My sister and I made the trip to Newcastle to visit her and what a grand lady she was. The next year she passed away and I read out a poem about how "59 years was too long". The gap between her seeing me and then.

I have been estranged from mum for 9 years. She ruined my first wedding in 1985 then before marrying again in 2011 she threatened to ruin my wedding again. I even had to get a court order stopping her from attending the park where it would take place. She is 88yo now

These are the extents people have to go to in order to have a peaceful life- removing them from our lives if possible.

The mother of my children and I seperated and divorced when our girls were 7 and 4yo. That meant constant communication had to continue between us until the youngest was 18yo at which point I cut all contact with her. 14 years of mistreatment, nasty unwarranted friction. I was discouraged to go to parent and teacher nights (I went anyway), no slight changes to visitations (half an hour early not accepted) and so on just to get under my skin.

Anyway yes, your son is in for a long traumatic time but he can rise against the odds with support from you both and say to himself "I'm going to be the best part time dad my kids will ever have" which I said to myself in 1996 as I drove away from the family home. A week beforehand I'd tried taking my life. However she brainwashes her children against their father and you will come back as karma.

When my eldest reached 30yo just 2 years ago she got married. I wondered, had I taken my life who would have given her away? Then my daughter turned and said "thanks for being a great dad". My tears outnumbered everyone elses. I made it. Her biological mother wasnt there, my daughter had rejected her 12 years earlier for the same reasons. My wife is now "mum".

And you Feathers- you and your husband are great parents.

All the best

TonyWK

Oh my Tony. ....you really have been through it all!

Thank you for disclosing so much personal information to me.....it must be hard to bring it all up again.

My husband and I are trying to stay positive. I just know we will all be OK in the end. I still don't understand how people use children as pawns....it's not a game. Everybody looses when separation is handled this way.

I just have this feeling that when our Grandsons are a little older and more lively our DIL will hand over Custody to our son. She already finds them inconvenient and feels they stop her from doing what she wants. I think she loves them but is sometimes emotionally bankrupt from her awful childhood.

Such a lovely story from your daughters Wedding. Our son wants to be the best Dad he can without going to Court but I am afraid that is where it is heading. I'll tell him about keeping a Diary of his experiences so far.

I am so pleased you found happiness in the end. It gives me hope.

Well my son popped in on the weekend feeling very positive after his last Mediation session. His wife seems to be coming around to the idea of him having custody every weekend and two weeks holiday per year with the boys. We were naturally happy because we would also be able to see the boys.

Then...wham....he gets a last minute phone call while he's working that he needs to be in Court this morning. His wife who is the Respondent of a DVO placed by the Police, wants the DVO lifted. The Police statement also on a previous occasion she had succeeded in harming my son and was violent and abusive to the Police in attendance.

I don't know how it will turn out but she is a flight risk. It's amazing to think that families are being dragged through all this rubbish every day all over Australia. The only benefit in this case is my son is trying to make sure he stays civil so the boys aren't affected. I think this is only the beginning of a very long process.

Is anyone out there?

Hi Tony

Well I did all the right things and took all the good advice I was given. I made sure that I made no contact with my DIL and my husband and i even chose to voluntarily not see our Grandchildren since the end of October to let our son get things sorted. Then wham my DIL filed a private DVO on me two weeks before Christmas stating that I had made continual death threats against her and sexually abused my 3 year old Grandson plus a pile of other accusations (all unfounded and with no proof whatsoever). So I found myself in Court yesterday defended by an excellent lawyer because I will not have those awful accusations hanging over my head. Naturally as part of that order I cannot see my Grandchildren at all. My Lawyer has asked the Court to proceed to trial as it is a vixacous and malicouse application to get even with my son and stop me from seeing the children. The hearing date is 29 April which seems so far away. I find myself feeling extremely depressed and sad. My husband has been really good during this time. Do you have any suggestions how to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with things. Money worriesare also an issue as the whole process is going to cost $6000.