Son & DIL Seperating Slowly

FeathersnFluff · ‎21-11-2019

My son has decided to seperate from his wife of a year. They have two small boys under 3 My son came to me with a heavy heart telling me he couldn't keep going to work coming home cleaning the house and taking care of both boys. I know being a stay at home is a big job but not even the basics are getting done. When I visited the kids are dirty and running around with very little supervision. I have always been scared for their safety.....I have never said a word about it to my DIL because I don't want to interfere. Anyway when my son said he was leaving her she tried to harm him and told him he would never see his children again. The Police became involved and put a Domestic Violence Order in place against my DIL. . It's a big long background story but what I'm trying to get too is my son is trying to seperate nicely by dropping in to see the boys every day after work, teaching her to cook, driving her to appointments etc. I understand his motivation ....he wants the boys not to be traumatised and wants to go through mediation rather than a big court case. All this would be fine except my DIL has mental health issues and is a self confessed every day pot user. When she is at her worst she lashes out at people and it makes it hard to reason with her. To be quite honest I am worried for the safety of my Grandchildren and my son. My son says leave it to him. He can handle everything. So I have tried to stay out of it but it's very stressful. Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

FeathersnFluff · ‎22-11-2019

Thank you for your understanding Geoff....you recognize my vulnerability.

Tony my son has been diagnosed with PTSD from an attempt on his life when he was younger. He is now only 24. I do support him in his choices regardless of what I think. ...I especially try not to put him under any undue stress. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep one job in these times where everyone is only put on casual and put off at leisure let alone have two or three jobs. And while he is doing these two or three jobs how does he pop in to check that his boys are safe and doing well. I am sorry but you have a very hard nosed attitude that is not helpful. I KNOW I have to stay out of the situation and that is what I am doing. I really don't need you to tell me time and time again. I am sorry but you come across as an ex member of the legal fraternity rather than someone who can help guide me kindly through this difficult time.

FeathersnFluff · ‎22-11-2019

BTW Tony when I said I was backing my son's decision I meant I was backing his choice to sort things out on his own without interference from family or outside agencies. You may have misunderstood me. I'm sorry if I made that sound confusing.

white knight · ‎22-11-2019

Hi

Im sorry you took my post as harsh. But we try to guide people on the information provided and a lot has been left out including your sons PTSD and suicide attempt.

There are authorities available like Human Services that can visit your DIL to check up on your grandchildren’s welfare, your son can apply. As it stands once the custodial issues are dealt with by the courts he would have to have documented details of how she was an unfit mother by such authorities before her custody rights were taken away. Anyone saying the kids were “dirty and poorly supervised “ will not be good enough. Based on the possibility she has sole custody by the courts he would not see his boys for up to 12 days a fortnight. Hence the need for him to ask authorities to do a check on his sons welfare.

Im stating the facts here, not trying to upset you or mislead you by saying things that won’t help with the situation.

I hope your son is ok

TonyWK

FeathersnFluff · ‎22-11-2019

Thank you for responding Tony.

My son did not try to commit suicide someone attempted to harm him. He is a strong young man and sees a Psychiatrist regularly which helps. Human Services do not have facilities for drop ins unfortunately. I know because I worked for them for 16 years before my retirement. Child Services will not attend to check on children simply because they are dirty and poorly supervised which is why my son drops in every day. Child Services are struggling to keep up with many horrific cases of neglect and abuse due to lack of staffing. My husband's Psychiatrist he sees for his Service Related PTSD suggested we contact them but we are practical people and know that would only inflame matters.

I am afraid we just have to sit back and let it all play out. Our son has chosen mediation rather than the judicial system to improve his chances of seeing the boys he loves so much regularly and we understand his choice. I came to this Forum just to voice my concerns and pain.

Juliet_84 · ‎22-11-2019

Hi FeathersnFluff,

I’m sorry that you didn’t get the support that you were looking for in this situation. We understand that you are under a great deal of stress at the moment but I know I speak for everyone on this forum when I say that we try and offer the advice that we think is wise for the situation and best for you and that is our way of caring. We could take the easy option and agree with you that she is terrible and the children be removed from their mother etc. But I can’t imagine how traumatic that must be for a child if successful. And if not successful, you and your son could kiss goodbye to ever seeing them again. I think that you are definitely doing the right thing by supporting your son and his decision. By supporting him, you can offer him a place to stay (I’m not sure if he’s currently living with you), invite him over for dinner of a weeknight etc. I don’t think you should be required to pay $250 a week to keep a roof over their head. Realistically, the house will need to be sold in most instances of divorce, and both parties will need to downsize.

FeathersnFluff · ‎23-11-2019

Hi Juliet

I don't want my Grandchildren removed from their Mother either. I know she loves them as much as my son. The last thing I want is for them to be traumatised. My Son was living with us but ended up moving out to live with a mate which turned out to be a good decision. He still pops in to visit. When he moved out he said he realised he was being unfair by coming home and ranting about his wife's actions to us and then expecting us to say nothing. ....a very mature observation for a 24 year old. This Forum has helped. I am now determined to be the calm spot in his life and help where I can and when I am asked to. Thanks to everyone for their different perspectives. Each post had points of merit in it to take away.

Juliet_84 · ‎23-11-2019

Hi FeathersnFluff,

That sounds like a very sound approach. It can be extremely difficult to remain impartial when you are hearing all of these horrible things, and that was a mature observation from your son. Now is understandably a very tense time for everyone but things do have a way of calming down and reaching an equilibrium over time. Feel free to pick this thread back up as you need or start a new one, people are always here to provide objective advice, which can be sometimes hard to find when you are amidst the chaos. I wish you and your family peace and love this holiday season.

white knight · ‎23-11-2019

Hi again

Juliet made relevant comments.

I feel your pain, I really do. I'd like you to consider an alternative to your situation which, I have to admit is not the natural thing you want to do, understandably.

Being friends to your DIL is not working against your son. You can support your sons decisions and interests AND be friendly even friends with your DIL. Some people find that method easier than others. My ex girlfriend had this nack of doing just that, keeping in touch with the father of her grandchildren even though the couple had split up. That father would sometimes drop off his son to her when he couldnt find a baby sitter when he had access to him on a weekend.

Such a relationship doesnt come easy but if you were to be able to get her confidence and keep your distance with talking about topics about her relationship with your son, the benefits will come like free access to your grandchild and your son would benefit also with seeing his child more regularly when and if access is legally limited say every second weekend if that happens.

But, the real benefit will be for your grandchildren because very subtlety you can drop in and while you are there you can help her with tasks like a general clean up or help with the washing, or a few years time pick the kids up from kindy etc.

It is something to consider for you. As you know and we all know going down the path of remaining disenchanted with your DIL wont actually change her for the better.

I hope you are ok. Please keep in touch, as you can see there are several people talking here and many more reading

TonyWK

FeathersnFluff · ‎23-11-2019

Thanks Tony. I in fact used to do all those things to help. Three times in the past year my DIL has lashed out and verbally attacked me with absolutely no provocation and refused access to our Grandchildren. Our son brought the boys over for a visit anyway as they were not separated at that stage. The last text my DIL sent me said I was an alcoholic pill popping Granny (no basis to these comments ) Then accused me of indecently dealing with our oldest Grandson when he was a baby. Those are the last words she spoke to me. I am emotionally tired at the moment. My son wants me to go nowhere near her because he said it would not end well. At this stage I don't have any reserves left to try yet again to patch things up. Sad because I embraced her into our family as a daughter trying to make up for her lonely abusive childhood. Maybe one day things will change. ...I am ever hopeful.

geoff · ‎24-11-2019

Hello FeathersnFluff, I know you must be sick and tired from all of this, but it's not your fault, you have been doing all you can and the DIL can not be trusted and I will only get back to you if that's what you want.

Take care.

Geoff.