so many thoughts

Dibs · ‎07-12-2018

the beginning is to far back so I am 62 single female, always been independent & planned my financial security after divorce at age of 30, never remarried & that has always surprised me I loved being married, I belonged, maybe my distrust showed and I was not aware, never had children as did not want to have them outside a family unit. I never thought I was good enough after the divorce so always found partners who needed support & to be cared for, only to have them run free once they were strong again to face the world both financially &emotionally, so I stopped doing that as it was not good for me I finally realised. Then at 48 breast cancer hit only 6 months after my big sister died from the same disease , she lasted 6 years so I panicked & though I needed to be near my only living relative my brother so sold my little cottage on coast NSW and moved to country QLD , purchased a fixer upper and got done well & truly by the builder financially, I should have stayed in NSW as friends supported me through the breast cancer, my brother did not care where I lived then I realised that I was the same issue to him as I was when I was 15 when our mum died - I was to young to be left alone and to old to be taken in . After 12 years in hot isolated QLD town I sold for a loss , I move back to a coastal NSW town bought a cheap unit and though I would have no problems finding work as I have always worked but over 60 nobody wants you. So 9 months and 95 job applications later using all my savings to support myself I obtain a 6 mth temp job which ends in January, so I have to sell now because I wont have a wage, but now I doubt myself, my capabilities, my worth, my value my decisions ,I have no self confidence, I dont feel I fit anywhere I feel like I have to make excuses for myself - but I dont know who me is, the only common denominator in my life has been me so it must be my fault, I have always lived alone but never felt lonely ,but this past 5 years & especially now I am lonely and scared as I am losing all I worked for bit by bit and cant seem to stop it - I dont want to be 63 & financially insecure and of not value anyone. the thing that saddens me is I could get in the car & drive and I would not be missed only by work & no one would know where to start looking . I have withdrawn more and more as I felt I did not have a place or purpose so I guess this situation is my own doing so I shouldnt complain- sorry for the ramble

geoff · ‎07-12-2018

Hello Dibs, can I welcome you to the forums and what you have been through must have been very difficult, in all ways, but more concerned about how your breast cancer is at the moment, because what does money mean to us, yes it would be lovely to have our bank accounts overflowing, but your health is critical.

95 applications would only make you feel worse, I'm very sorry, but at my age 64 I wouldn't think anyone would want to employ me, but our circumstances could be completely different.

Can I ask you a question, probably a silly one but are you getting any Centrelink payments, perhaps if I can explain what I'm doing.

I rent and am getting the DSP pension with rent assistance so this helps me a lot, plus they can provide the bond money and two weeks rent which you pay off over a period of time.

Just curious and hope you get back to us.

Geoff.

therising · ‎07-12-2018

Hi Dibs

First, never apologise for expressing legitimate concerns in life. You've been through quite a bit so you know the value in asking that all important question 'Where to, from here?'

I know it's a little outside the square but have you considered retirement living? Looking into places which are fully or partly government funded could be an idea. Although not government funded, my mum lives in a retirement village, in a unit (size of a small house) and sees many benefits from this lifestyle. I mention this angle for a number of reasons:

Community support (by the way, if neighbours don't see someone for a couple of days, they typically go knocking on the door to see if they're okay)
Social interaction (choice when it comes to participating in plenty of activities and shared interests)
Sense of personal value and belonging (being a part of the whole)
Variety of ages and life experience. Plenty of people to relate to, some who are still working whilst leading up to retirement
Sense of security

The list goes on and on in regard to the benefits. Believe it or not, my mum actually moved in when she was 63 (she turns 80 this month) and still, to this day, regards it as one of the best moves she ever made in life. If I was single and 55 or over I'd be moving into the same setup as her. I'm 48. The idea of little maintenance, a much smaller garden to care for, a quiet neighbourhood and community support is definitely alluring.

Anyhow, just a thought. Some may say 'Moving into an area with a bunch of 'old people' will age you prematurely' but age is just a number. Personally I have a wide variety of friends who range from the ages of 13 (my son) right through to their mid 90s. I rarely ever see age as a factor in friendships, as everyone has much to offer in the way of wisdom and growth. Positive relationships (with our self and others) can flourish in the most supportive environment/community.

Take care Dibs

Dibs · ‎08-12-2018

Hi Geoff, my BC is now 12 years on, so far so good but you never say never, I underwent all the treatments they thought would give best outcome, side effects and body image will always be an issue. as far as money I dont want overflowing bank accounts I just want to work to maintain my mortgage and independence I just want to be happy again. My unit is small I downsized but its all I need. I am working at present with the temp job ending in January . I can not obtain Centerlink assistance until I have nothing, during the 9mths it took to get this job I was on the newstart which is not enough to pay a mortgage or rent plus living costs and cannot get a age pension for another 3.5 years. my disabilities /restrictions and issues after the chemo and BC are not disabling enough to get DSP so I have had to retrain into other jobs and adapt. I appreciate I should not complain as if I sell I will have some funds behind me but will have to use them all before I can get assistance . I have always succeeded to have options if something went wrong to get me through But since BC it all slipping away, Now at this age there is not time to build more options , once I sell the unit that is my last option, no security. I will take care thankyou

Dibs · ‎08-12-2018

Where to now you ask - I really am unsure but sell the unit so I am not stressed about not being able to pay my bills when the job ends. Retirement living is not for me, yet anyway. I miss the company of old friends or new ones, dinner and discussions, I miss company of like minded people but I no longer feel confident to put myself forward as I dont fit with my self image I have. people definitely perceive me differently to who I am, I guess it is what I present to others. I no longer have people around who really know me and know if I am a little off or changes in me to ask whats going on. New friends dont want to really know about this kinda baggage they probably have enough of their own So if someone does ask how is it going, you always answer fine, great and turn the conversation to them then go home and cry for no reason or not sleep because you dont know how to find your way back to the happy positive you, you use to be. but there has got to be away I just keep analysing my thoughts . I love being around people, i want to show people how to do the things I know my art , pottery and designs but as I do not have formal training I dont think I have the right to teach. I am very self critical - but this forum allow me to at least get some of the thoughts out of my head - I am not ungrateful for my life I just dont know what the reason for it has been, I know I may not be lucky but i think I am fortunate as many events in my life could have been worse. Cheers

geoff · ‎08-12-2018

Hello Dibs, thanks for getting back to me, it always helps to know.

I tend to believe that if you have had the experience in pottery, art, designs or anything else then you are capable of teaching anyone, a Diploma or Degree doesn't make you any better than someone with heaps of experience, such as a book can teach you to be a carpenter, but it doesn't tell you what to do if something goes wrong or if the circumstances change.

I'm sure you are very capable because an artist can't teach you how to paint, sure the basics, but if you haven't got it in you then how can you paint?

It's not easy to be happy, especially after what you've been through, and why it's us who has to be punished, I wish I could answer that, but when you are able to keep going, that's the strength you need, and you have that.

Please stay here on the forums and get back to me.

Geoff