I need.... Something

[Waste_of_Time]

I dont no how to do this or what to say, I need help but dont no where to go or start so I came here and I guess I will start from the beginningish

Im in my mid 20s. My parents broke up when I was young. My parents are both addicted to different illegal drugs

At age 10 I found a person who I treated and called my foster mum. I was very close with her while I was younger

At 14 I got into a relationship with someone who was very abusive and violent, this lasted a little over ten years. During this time I pushed away all of my friends because I didnt want them to worry about me and the only friend I have left I re-met after leaving the abusive relationship

When I was 18 my foster mum had a stroke which killed her. The night before she died wed had an argument about my abusive partner and that argument still plays through my mind

My birth family dont care about me, every time Ive asked them for anything theyve told me no even when I just needed someone to talk to. The only person who cared about me is dead and died thinking that I hated her

I dont no what to do my old friends all hate me because of my ex, I have anxieties out the rear end as well as depression among other things and I have no one. I thought I could get by without my abusive partner but things have gotten worse since I left, Id rather be physically and mentally abused than feel like this the loneliness is unbearable but I dont want to go back either because it took so much to get away

My friend doesnt understand and seems to only care for herself I have no one to talk to

Im sick of crying sick of being alone sick of hearing that disappointed voice in my head on loop

I dont no what I need, I just no I need help and my GP doesn't seem to care. Thankyou for reading this and thankyou for any help

[smallwolf]

Waste of Time,

(Looking at your name....) that you are not.

Hi, and welcome to beyond blue. It seems that you have had painful life to date with the issues of your parents, foster mother, and your abusive partner. I know that you think that going back to your partner would remove the loneliness, but deep down you know you made the right decision. And sometimes friends don't know how to respond. But you are here now, and the other users here will listen to you and support you at the time. So, now and how to make a new start?

• Do you work? Study? Unemployed?
• Do you volunteer?
• What sort of things do you like to do? Hobbies? Local clubs?
• Perhaps find your local church and ask them about community groups?

Have you looked at the K10 test on the beyond blue web site? If not, it will give you a recommendation as to what action(s) to take. If you currently GP does not seem to care, then could you go to another one?

And if not a GP, are they any local counselling services you might be able to contact for help?

On that disappointed voice in your head... On the form you will find threads about grounding and mindfulness. These threads contain user suggestions to disrupt that inner thought, and bring you back to the present moment.

I hope you come back soon and let us know you are going.

Wishing you well,

Tim

[Juliet_84]

Hi Waste of Time,

Firstly, I’m so sorry that you have been through all this. Escaping an abusive relationship can be hard enough (and I know!), but to lose your foster mum, the only person you felt close to must have absolutely floored you - congratulations for having the courage to leave something that wasn’t right! Your mum would not have thought you hated her, people have silly fights all the time, but I’m sure she knows you love her.

Having been in your situation, I know how hard it can be, and that you isolate yourself because the emotional toll of keeping up the facade that everything is ok can just be too much.I think in this instance the truth may set you free, would you consider reaching out and explaining to some of your closer ex-friends what you were going through? I think you need support around you at the moment.

[geoff]

Hello, there have been 2 good strong replies from Tim and Juliet_84 so I'll try not to repeat what has been said although that it's good that you have left this relationship and probably more important to a point, in those parents and their children/kids who love each other, don't stop loving them if they have disagreement, so your foster mum wouldn't be upset and I'm sincerely sorry she has passed away.

There is an enormous difference between trying to find friends, some company you can spend your time with, to moving back in with an abusive relationship, if you did move back it won't take long before you realise that it wasn't the best decision.

Please look for another GP, one who is interested in looking after you, someone who cares about you, and there are doctors out there who do this, that's your first step to achieve.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi WoT

I feel great sorrow for you, given that you appear to be surrounded by those who lack empathy and understanding. Here, on the forums, is where you will find incredible empathy and understanding.

Seeing it's human nature to relate to others, when it comes to defining our self, it is through empathy and understanding that we form the most constructive impressions. It makes sense that if we're relying on unsympathetic and ignorant people to reflect who we are, this can definitely give us a distorted view of our self. It's not at all my intention to rubbish the people in your life, my goal is simply for you to consider an alternative view of your self/belief systems, especially seeing the current perception has you on a bit of a loop:

• Your parents, although responsible for you coming into this world, were and are not effective guardians or guides (in helping you relate to your value and potential)
• Your ex's destructive behaviour reflects his inability to relate and cope with life in productive and skillful ways
• Your current friend lacks a degree of knowledge/understanding when it comes to the intense challenges you face and have faced regarding the impact of your history as well as the impact of mental dis-ease
• Your GP...my goodness! Personally, I had a great GP up until a couple of years ago. I ditched him due to a couple of bad calls. For sure, doctors don't always get it right (they're only human); the thing that put me off him wasn't the bad calls, it was the fact that he stopped truly listening to me. An effective doctor acts like a detective, with open ears and an open mind. All came good when I found a new skillful detective. Keep searching WoT!

It is heartbreaking that the person who showed you the greatest amount of empathy and understanding has passed. Sounds like she was so deeply invested in you as your guide and guardian. Being a loving mum, I can tell you that arguments do not deplete the love I have for my kids, they only lead me to greatly question the struggles they face. It would not matter what they said to me (no matter how horrible), I would regard our bonding moments as defining our love for each other. Have faith that she recognised both your love for her and your struggle.

I wish, with all my heart, I could remove the distortion others have created for you. Wot, you are a valuable and beautiful gift to this world. Look to those with the skills to reflect this truth and cease turning to those without such skills.

Take care

[Waste_of_Time]

Hello; thank you to everyone that responded.

I have a better GP now and I'm seeing a psychologist every fortnight through Relationship's Australia who has been a great help. I have a little bit of my confidence back (I wore a skirt for the first time in over a decade just the other day!) and we're slowly working through the anxieties.

I managed to get in to contact with a couple of old friends who were a lot more understanding than I thought they'd be. I didn't tell them everything because there's a lot I'm still coming to terms with myself, but I'm starting to connect with people again so that's positive I guess.

Again, thank you to everyone who responded. You helped more than you may realize. Thank you all for being so supporting. 🙂