Where did I go wrong

[Reaching_out]

Where do I start? Have two kids under 5 with my wife. Been married for 7. Wife is suffering from PTSD and also lost someone really really close to her a few years back. She has high anxiety too. She’s been to drs for meds but doesn’t want to take them. She doesn’t currently work and our youngest has special needs

I thought that I was doing my best at trying to support my wife in everything - with the kids, with work, with her life in general however my wife has so much resentment towards me, and everything thing I do makes her angry. I’ve stopped all my hobbies and contact with friends (and I don’t mind doing this as I want things to get better).

when I say something or try and compliment her in some way, she takes it totally opposite of what I meant and takes it as an insult. When I try and be reasonable and find out what the issue is, she cracks it that I have to be right all the time. I don’t care about right or wrong I just want to know the issue and how to resolve it. There are many occasions where I am confused as to why something is an issue.

I work 5 days during week and our kids are up early in the morning so I get them ready and feed them hoping that my wife gets some rest before I head off. When I literally come home I put them to bed and we hardly have time to ourselves as she is exhausted from the kids (understandable).

She he told me she doesn’t want to be with me by wants to stay peaceful for the kids. My kids are the world and I want them to grow up in a loving family. I want my kids but I want my wife too.

I don’t even know where to start or who to turn to, as I am worried for my wife’s mental health, but if I show her my concerns she will get insulted that I think she has some issues to sort out.

I thought I was doing everything I needed to be doing, but obviously not.

[Reaching_out]

Reaching_out said:

Wife is suffering from PTSD

sorry I meant post natal depression (couldn’t edit original post)

[Quercus]

Hi Reaching Out and welcome to the forum community,

Reading your post I could relate strongly to how your wife lashes out with anger and resentment at times.

I was surprised to learn that anger can be one of the ways depression manifests. I had believed depression was always low mood but for me the mood swings, impatience and anger were the symptoms that affected my family (hubby, Miss 3 and Mr 5) most.

You mentioned your wife refusing medication. Does she see anyone for therapy who might suggest a review with her GP?

Also... You sound like you're busting your gut for your wife and family. Who else is there you can ask for help? The more family and friends supporting you both the better.

One thing I've noticed about all the Mum's I know with mental illnesses is we have one common factor... Little to no family support. I think this has such a massive impact because even being able to have even one consistent day a week to do something adult is so necessary.

Noone mentions that having a child can mean losing your sense of self if you aren't careful. I think this is where resentment creeps in. Watching a partner get to go to work and be free and adult is something I never expected to feel jealous of but it happens.

Setting boundaries with kids is so hard especially if your child needs special care but it is important that your wife has hobbies, interests and sense of purpose outside of childcare. Would you and your wife perhaps consider daycare for your kids a day a week to go to a class or work?

I hope you can keep writing. Having small kids is so tough ler alone trying to convince someone who refuses care that they need it! I hope you can keep trying.

Nat

[Reaching_out]

Thanks for your reply.

My wife sees the medication as only a bandaid fix (which I agree), however when going to the Drs and speaking to counselors they have just been generic and not specific to Post natal depression and she feels like she gets nothing out of it.

Both side of families try to help out whenever possible however she also has trust issues which also causes her anxiety. Same with child care too.

I encourage her to go see her friends and will continue to give her the opportunities.

its funny you mention about work - I had no idea this could contribute to anything, but after a while I understood that being able to go to the toilet without any thought was a big deal, and driving to work for half an hour (having peace and quiet) was something she was envious of. And I get that. But on the other side of that, it’s not like I am going to the pub and drinking with mates. I’m doing that to support our family!

i get that I have to be a punching bag and absorb the blows, but it is becoming more constant and hits hard, so I don’t know what else I need to do to support her and improve the situation.

My wife has gone through a lot in the past few years and I thought I was doing my best to support her, however recently based on her reactions towards me I feel like I have failed her.

[SPOONO]

Hi, very sorry to hear of your problems, I'm on the other side of the fence so to speak and it makes me crazy that nobody understands or seems to understand. Also my son was in special forces and just got desk jockeyed for PTSD and beating up senior officers. I find in dealing with my son, who I'm constantly hassling with my own bipolar and annoying his is extraordinarily easy. I found the best way for me was saying absolutely nothing about the PTSD, I think they prefer to forget all about it and try to get on with life. My son and I are getting along great now the stipulation being it is never mentioned and believe me he told me he loved me several times and that feels so good. Hope this lack of concern works for you too. Just love her, I'm sure she beats herself up mentally for being harsh with you, she doesn't want to know about her PTSD

Hope this help;s

Spoono