Sister-in-Law issues

[emma22swans]

Hi. I'm after any advice, if anyone has any they are willing to offer. 

I have struggled to get along with my in-laws pretty much since my husband and I met, due to the fact that he and I come from extremely different backgrounds - he's a country boy and I'm a city girl. Prior to the arrival of our little girl, things were going ok, not wonderful, but at least manageable. Since her arrival, things have steadily gotten worse, to the point that my husband is being put in a hugely difficult position, basically sticking up for me and his daughter, or agreeing with his parents and siblings (mainly his elder sister). This year two things have happened that have made me (and him) see red.

Firstly, several months ago, my sister-in-law made comments to him that I'm not really part of 'their' family. His mothers' only response was 'you'll have to forgive (sister), that's just the way she is'. Sister-in-Law has since gone back on those comments, stating 'that's not what she meant' but I still haven't received an apology (and apparently I'm not likely too either).

Secondly, she (and his parents) have shown very little to no interest in their granddaughter - unless we make the effort and take her to them. However, sister-in-law splashes all over my FB posts and photos about how much she loves her niece. Similarly, his mother will only call him (either phone call or video call). She asks him how we are all doing - which is difficult when he spends all day at work and I'm the one spending the most amount of time with our daughter. Also, unless we specifically ask for assistance, we don't get any, they assume silence means we're fine. Case in point - our daughter ended up with 2 stitches in her head last week, and we've only received one call (again, to my husband) to enquire as to how she is. And despite driving past our house over the weekend, they couldn't be bothered to call in and see how she (and us) were going.

These behaviours are really stressing us out, and I'm feeling bad for the position my husband is being put in, but I don't feel that I'm putting him there - I'm trying to get his family involved (i.e. suggest he call them more often, which he often says no too because of how he is feeling) but there is only so much I can do, and I don't know how much more I can give, especially when I've also got pre-existing self-esteem issues and issues with my other sister-in-law (my brother's wife).

[quirkywords]

emma22swans

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and welcome to the forum.

It can be difficult when two people from different backgrounds marry.

One has to get used to different ways of thinking and behaving.

I have no advice, but I can share my experience.

When I was had my first child my in laws lived nearby and may parents live many hours away. The in laws would ring up or offer help but liked us to visit them.

one sister in law was quite critical of me as her children were older. 

I find hard with in laws as they are your partners family so it is right it makes them feel torn. 

I think older people wont change and they love your daughter but show it in a different way.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. 

[HannaMelb]

Hey Emma, I feel for you because I went through the same thing when I arrived to Australia with my husband (now ex-husband).

His brother and sister in law let everybody back home how "good" they were to us in helping us settling down in a new country when in fact it was the complete opposite. They were always making excuses for helping us with the minor of issues - "we have to work", "cannot take time off work" etc etc while the rest of the family back home were led to believe we were the perfect family here. 

To cut a long story short, my ex husband wasn't strong enough to stand up for himself and myself despite being the older brother. He never defended me or himself from the emotional abuse his own brother and sister in law gave us.

That led to a lot of resentment from my part as I was keeping quiet so not to add fuel to the fire.... and guess what? I ended up depressed and profoundly disappointed with my ex husband and ended up leaving him.

Of course he ran to his brother's home and they "comforted" him.

Turned out they never liked me and wanted us to separate!

Bottom line is, your husband and your beautiful baby daughter ARE YOUR FAMILY. That is enough for you. 

You don't need any other family, let alone if they don't accept you and your husband.

Don't let them come between you and your husband. Make a life for him, your daughter and yourself. You don't need anyone else. You don't want to stay where you are not loved, even if they are supposed to be "family".

We need to put distance from toxic people even if they are our relatives!

Hope all turns out all right for you and your beautiful family 🙂