Partner wants to be a controlled drinker

[Garry_H]

Hi,
My partner and I have been together for four years and alcohol has been an issue from very early on. It was apparent (to me) that we would not have a successful relationship if alcohol was involved, therefore I decided to stop drinking three & a half years ago choosing the girl over the drink. (I was not a problem drinker).

My partner tried to keep it under control but it came to a crisis point a number of times.
About 18 months ago I said (in writing) that I could only continue (and wanted to) in a sober relationship. She stopped for a month or so and started seeing a counsellor. But within a couple of months she returned to what she calls “controlled drinking”. I was pitched that drinking would be limited to a “couple of drinks on special occasions”. 

She now drinks non-alc wines when with me (every night). Even the ritual of having to hold a wine glass every night still worries me – even if it is filled with non-alc wine. While I have not seen her drunk in over a year, “special occasions” has now become any time we are out socially. And I suspect that “a couple of drinks” is now only observed in my company, and that a different standard is applied when I am not there. I now have less contact with my friends and I avoid social occasions that involve alcohol.

If I am fair I have to acknowledge that she has made a big effort and it would surprise me if she is binge drinking behind my back. The problem is that I just don’t care anymore whether she now has a handle on it or not. I am just over it. I am not interested in being an anxious observer for the next 20 years even if it subsequently turns out she can successfully be a controlled drinker. It’s just too draining, and the deception is soul destroying.

Just reading over this I am answering my own question. I wonder if I should support her one last time (even thought the last two times were my last time).

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

It is a tricky situation to be in. To wonder if your partner is drinking or not. And part of that is trust. 

I was thinking about what you said ... watching someone drinking non-alcoholic wine from a wine glass.  In watching someone with a wine glass you assume wine is in it, whether alcoholic or not. It is easier to show progress where you can see something happening, such as getting better at some skill. But to show the opposite is much harder, I think. For example NOT drinking,  this is a  day by day thing.

But you also mentioned that you have recognised a big change in your partner, and a positive change for a

year? 

Benefit of the doubt. Trust. 

There may be a little doubt and remember the above.

It's also OK to put your thoughts here. Whether to vent or ask questions. Or to answer your own. If some can read and learn from them, that's enough.

[geoff]

Hello Garry_H, whether or not you have answered your own question is different in getting advice from other peoplewho have been in the same situation as you are.

Alcohol is not only a problem in this relationship but will continue to be in other r/lationships if you decide to end this one because people who use alcohol as a crutch, that is need it, tend to drink behind your back and actually know the amount they are allowed, determined by how they can control themselves, secretly behind your back without you even knowing and never are able to tell you the truth.

If she does decide to slow down the drinking, you can't be sure what will happen if and when something bad happens, and whether she will once again begin her drinking as a way of coping, so you will be mindful of this and doesn't allow you to feel comfortable.

Basically an alcoholic can't be trusted, not unless they have gone through thorough counselling and accepted the harm it's doing to their relationship.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Garry_H]

Thanks Geoff,

Yes unfortunately there is no trust when it comes to alcohol. I have tried to support the controlled drinking route a couple of times but it hasn’t ended well. 

And I think you are spot on that she is drinking an amount she thinks she can control - which is more than what she tells me. 

At the end of the day the difference this time is I don’t even want to try to help. I’m battle weary from past efforts.