How to deal with bigoted parent?

[Rogger]

Hi, as of recent, I have noticed that my parents are quite bigoted, especially my mother. She often says offensive things whenever she sees something Asian of any kind (often Japanese or Korean), and she often says derogatory things about Aboriginal people. She is also sexist, both in a misogynistic way, but also a misandristic way. This was quite upsetting for me, since I am quite against discrimination. So I was wondering, for those of you who have been through similar things, how do you deal with parents like this. Ok thanks for reading 🙂

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In the scheme of things it wasn't that long ago that discrimination was 100 times worse than now. At 17yo in 1973 I joined the RAAF and it was common if not mandatory to be that way. Even the female members of the AirForce were verbally attacked. Now, some 50 years later I'm the opposite, I'm like you. However many of my generation haven't move with the times and that is not only sad, it sticks out remarkably.

I think the important thing and saddest really is that you wont change her and if you did it would be long term. Making people change long term is giving subtle hints like 

"maybe is ever you get a brain tumour a chinese surgeon might save your life" or "chinese people have been part of our culture for nearly 200 years" or more direct - "why do you not like aborigines"?

It's odd really, many white people expect the indigenous peoples to catch up with technology and live like us in the space of 200 years having lived for 80,000+ years their own way not having needed such advanement.

Distance yourself if you find it all too much. I dont know if you still live at home but it might be time to fly the coup so to speak to make it less an effect on you.

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Rogger,

That must be quite an uncomfortable position to be in and a morally difficult one. I’m not sure how I’d react in that situation to be honest. If you say nothing, you are almost complicit in the racism and she likely will assume that you agree with it.The reality is that the only way people grow is by having their outdated thoughts and opinions challenged. Given that, I think you have to call her out on it. Humour is often a great way of disarming a person but also putting them in their place, you could say something like “geeez the 1960s called and want their outdated expression back” or “geez are we still allowed to refer to people as that???”. It might just embarrass her enough to get her to stop. Or you could simply say “I feel really uncomfortable when you refer to Chinese people like that”. She may not change her opinions but she’ll think twice about calling them names to you, and that’s really all you want, people to become increasingly unable to say these types of things without people correcting them and holding them to account.

[sbella02]

Rogger,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, welcome to the forums. I'm reading through the advice that TonyWK and Juliet have given and I must say, what Juliet has said about challenging your mother in a subtle and humorous way is brilliant advice, very powerful. A lot better than anything I would've suggested.

If she presses you further and asks why it's not okay, you may like to use it as an opportunity to educate her, in a way that doesn't feel condescending. 

I commend you on seeking a way to stand up to discrimination in this way. Such discrimination has often been ingrained in the person from a young age, so it may be a process at reversing more strongly-held beliefs, but hang in there. Just remember to tread gently.

All the best, and please continue chatting with us if you'd like to, we're here for you.

SB