Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[MisterM]

Hi Simona,

Thanks for replying.

Yeah I know I need to move out, when I can get enough income to survive on my own I will. Sadly, all the jobs I have had have been low paying. Not enough to make ends meet. I don't know what to do career wise, still unemployed.
I don't think women want to be bothered by someone on the train, I am bad at breaking the ice, making small talk, I don't know what to say. Anything I say will make the woman think I am some sex predator or something.
I have no pets.

[pipsy]

Hi MisterM.  I apologize if I offended you by suggesting online dating.  That was not the intention.  All I meant was online dating is not as bad as people think.  No matter how you meet someone, you still have to communicate.  You say you don't know how to make 'small talk'.   Small talk is just basically, 'hello, how are you?  My name is ???.  When you say you'd rather meet someone by 'chance', meeting someone on a train (for instance) IS chance.  A friend of mine years ago (believe it or not) met his wife by waiting for a bus.  They married 2 years after they met.  Why would a woman think you're a 'predator' if you say 'hello'?  If you met me at a bus and said 'hello, could you tell me the time (for instance), why would I presume you're a 'predator'?  Even if you're wearing a watch (hide it).  Do you like pets, ask (if you're talking to a woman) does she have pets?  Take an interest in her.  If she asks what you do, tell her you're 'between jobs' at the moment.  Time later to explain about work.  At this stage, you have nothing to lose by saying 'hello' to a woman. 

[Stormy]

Hi MisterM,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't really add too much to what has already been said by Pipsy,Lats and Simona. The way I see it, one of your biggest problems is confidence. We each have qualities that are waiting to shine through, you just need to find yours and build on them. 

You need to get out of the house, I don't mean move out if you aren't ready to, but you do need to leave the house to open yourself up to a different environment. Perhaps you could volunteer for any number of social organisations. You will be able meet like minded people, get valuable experience to place on your resume, and in my experience some women will find your efforts to help others as an attractive quality. 

What are your interests ? It's easier to talk to someone about what you are interested in. Perhaps you could find a group relating to your interests, and you may be fortunate enough too that they hold meetings. 

Anyway, just a couple of suggestions, it doesn't work for every one but it's something you might be able to consider.

Stormy

[justinok]

MisterM said:

What I meant by 'and worse' is because being gay is a big sin and shame to my mum (and dad too) due to her cultural and religious ways, an old school 1950's European mentality. I don't want to be seen as this disgusting, sinful person in my mums eyes. It makes me feel embarrassed to be around them as I know my mum is  thinking I am gay. I have told her I am not and she's said I am a few times.

The way I see it, mate, you have a choice. As an adult male, you can move out and away from your parents if you have such a problem with them.

When my parents found out I was gay, I was still a teenager. I was forced out of the house, I didn't have a choice. If your mum had that much of a problem with believing you being gay, then you would be out on the street like I was.

So you can choose to stay at home and take advantage of the free food and rent, and put up with your parents nagging you, or bite the bullet and move out. Good luck.

 

[Guest_1055]

Hello MisterM

I just read your post here. And to tell you the truth I do not see a loser at all. In fact what sticks out to me about you is this

1. You seem super honest - good quality

2. You express yourself awesome in words - another plus

3. You come across not shallow, like  a real  human person with deep thoughts - so so great

4. And the fact that you don't like playing those dumb dating games- huge plus 

And you know what, be you, which it appears you to this already in writing. And I am speaking from a women's view you are no loser. 

[MisterM]

Hi Pipsy,

I was in no way offended.
Thank you for the advice.

[MisterM]

Hi Stormy,

Thanks for replying.
I get out of the house sometimes, to catch up with my friend over a meal/coffee and going to open mic at bars. Even at bars I feel alone, I find it hard to make friends, I just sit by myself in the corner and wait for others to talk to me, I am a severe introvert.
I don't have many interests, music, art can't think of much else.
I don't have many friends, I am often going places alone lately which makes me not want to go out as I feel like a loser being on my own.

[MisterM]

Hi justinok,

I hope you're not upset at me over my post, I feel terrible about it.
I don't have a job so can't move out now, it's so expensive to be on your own, if I had more friends I could room with them.
Looks like I am making excuses but I have done my budgeting, it's out of my reach, I can never land high paying jobs, I always get some bottom end low paying job no matter how hard I try.
I am sorry to hear you had such a bad reaction by your parents.

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley anne,
Thank you for your kind words.

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi MisterM

I've read through your thread and I just wanted to say that you haven't said anything that you need to feel terrible about so please don't.  You have come here for support and advice and I can see that you have been given both. 

I understand loneliness and as I see it there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world today.  People have become so disconnected, maybe because of social media, I don't know.  It can be so hard to make friends but the truth is most people on have a few real friends and the rest are simply acquaintances.  I have one real close friend and we have know each other since we were 12.  I too have struggled to make new friends as an adult and have wondered what is it about me that people aren't comfortable with? What am I doing wrong? You are not alone.  In fact I have a feeling that there are millions of people who have asked themselves the same question. 

I know others have suggested it but try joining a social group or volunteer group and that way you can connect with people on common ground without any pressure. One thing can lead to another and you could meet the love of your life.  I don't think bars are a good place to meet people but that's just my experience.  I wish you all the very best, Don't give up, there is someone out there dreaming the same thing as you.  Instead of thinking about what may be wrong with you, spend your time imagining the life you want, imagine the little things and the big things, feel the happy feelings that go along with that dream.  It's a much more pleasant way to spend your time and you may just dream that dream right into reality. That's what I do when I feel sad, I refocus my thoughts on what I want to happen and I imagine how it would be.