Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[azairvine]

Hey dude, that's really positive stuff right there!

I can completely empathise with your situation regarding the depression, lack of self-confidence, communication issues. NOT the honours stuff, you're well up on me there 😃

It's all one big catch-22. I know how hard simple things are when you're stuck in that loop. The advice here is great, but I also know how *impossible* it all is. I'm having a pretty good couple of weeks so I feel like I'm out of the mess at the moment, but I could get sucked back in at any time and feel like everything is impossible again.

So while I have some clarity, I'd say definitely catch up with your friend from FB. She's invited you to a social event which is about the least pressure possible - there will be a lot of other people there, and you can meet without great expectations or pressure. You'll still feel pressure I'm sure, but that'll be internal. There's no real way of getting around that, other than to remind yourself that the pressure you're putting on yourself is no way replicated by anyone else you meet, or the world in general. In that sense you (and me, and a lot of others) are our own worst enemies.

I think from the little I have read of you, psychology is perfect for you! You can bring a loooooooot of personal insight to the field. Maybe it is in research, maybe not. You'll find an area that you're comfortable and things will just all fit together.

I personally don't think it's about how you dress, where you go etc so much as it is about your state of mind. The following is stolen from forum member "therising" who posted in a thread that I created. I believe that this is applicable to you, and I will definitely be doing my own research into it. I hope this is accepted within the forum, it's the "cleanest" way I can think of sharing the great information:

"Seeing healthy self-esteem involves a fair bit of skill, if such skills have not been learned throughout life then managing through high self-esteem is almost impossible. By the way 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden is a fantastic book. It helps make sense of what 'self-esteem' actually is. With self-efficacy and self-respect being the 2 main requirements for healthy self-esteem, the 6 pillars help achieve these requirements. The 6 pillars: Living consciously, self-assertiveness, self-responsibility, self-acceptance, living purposefully and living with integrity. I cannot recommend this book highly enough." (therising)

[azairvine]

re: above post

I'm not a great visual learner, so I still need to figure out the meaning of a few of the pillars. I can *definitely* say that for the last several years the only pillar I could tick off would be "living with integrity" - and even then I'm sure others would probably question my interpretation of integrity.

The last two weeks I was able to also tick off "living purposefully" and also "self-assertiveness" which I definitely feel has boosted my self-confidence. Whether I can maintain that or not is another matter, but I definitely see the connections.

So instead of focusing on the end-goal of getting partners - maybe we could focus on the 6 pillars and try and bring them one at a time into our respective consciousness' - which I am certain would flow on to the areas of our lives we're wanting to improve but where we have hit roadblocks.

[MisterM]

Hi azairvine,
A big thank you for typing all of the above. I really appreciate your help.
I wish you much happiness.
I shall check that book out for sure.
I'd also add that self-concept is important for self-esteem, that is the overall way we see ourselves.

[blondguy]

Hi MisterM

I understand where you are coming from as I used to be super shy and forgive me for my late post in your thread especially after so many caring people have provided heartfelt support

Flylikeabutterfly2019 mentioned "I personally like shy guys and have a hard time finding them and the less experience the better for me its attractive" as well as 'clean shaven'....This is very cool support MisterM

Always great to have you (and all the amazing members above) on the forums....Good1 🙂

Paul

[MisterM]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your kind reply.
Damn how I wish I can meet a girl who loves my shyness. I just tend to scare girls away somehow.
I am sure this forum is glad to have you too!

[MisterM]

I'm really having a hard time lately.
I don't understand why I am so disliked.
The group I worked with for a group assignment at university totally ignore me. They look at me like they are upset at me and don't say hello or anything.
I post on Facebook and noone comments or likes, I feel totally ignored by everyone.
I feel like I am a despicable person and am having dark thoughts.

[Azzdog]

Hey man,

I know exactly how that feels. Even though I try to contribute as much as I can to a group project sometimes the others don't give a damn.

I thought I'd let you know I have had a drop in my mood right now. I hate seeing others in relationships and not being able to fix it for yourself. We live in a world where we are all obsessed with it but we are not good at helping others who struggle with it.

Go figure.

I hope you are okay mate

[blondguy]

Hey MisterM (and a wave to Azz too!)

Thankyou for your kind post...you made my day!

There is a very old yet excellent book that is written in plain English without any jargon...The title of the book is dated yet its contents are gold....I read it many times when I was super shy and it made a huge difference to my confidence where girlfriends were concerned. The link is below for you

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

I hope that this small paperback can bring you some peace in your life where relationships are concerned

It costs about $15 yet worth a fortune

Hope your weekend was good to you Mister M 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Azzdog]

I had a look at the book and this part was curious (and frustrating) to me:

"Six ways to make people like you".

I feel like every single point under that heading I do. I am very aware of all these points. I don't want to hijack MisterM's forum here but self-help books, I think, are very limited and tend to be too general.

[blondguy]

Hey Azz and sorry for jumping in on your thread MisterM

Dale Carnegie's first point was being able to really 'listen' to people. I still see so many guys screw that up as the girls want someone to really 'listen' to them which a vital part of establishing any relationship

The book was written in 1936 before WW2 and is still in print Azz. Just for me it provided some serious help as I was super shy....(and very very anxious) when I was young

'Six ways to make people like you' is only an old fashioned subject header....as the title is.

just trying to help out Azz, If you find a positive in the book please let us know

always good to have you on the forums Azz 🙂

my kindest always

Paul