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Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM
Community Member

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

119 Replies 119

MisterM
Community Member

Hi OhmeOhmy,

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Yeah my psychologist suggested social groups, I just don't feel comfortable.
It's like I have lost faith in people and prospects of deep friendships.
I have one person, my best friend whom I feel great love for and he to me and we both care for each other. I have one old school friend, she always checks up on me but we have only seen each other once since primary school, we caught up recently. Old good friends from school I chat to online.

Every girl I really like has a boyfriend. I went to see a singer-songwriter play a gig last night, she was so happy to see me come watch and we chatted a bit. But she has a boyfriend. Why can't someone I really like be single, the way of the world.

I have been going to open mic nights and meeting other musicians but I haven't formed a deep friendship yet, it's just like acquaintances. So that's got me feeling down.

I was thinking of trying a volunteer group, but not one with strict Catholic view like the Salvos. I don't agree with their stance against homosexuality.

Stitch
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi MisterM,

I've read your posts with interest and wanted you to know that I fully understand what you're going through.

I'm lonely too (as I'm sure a lot of other BB members are) and struggle to make friends.  Like you, I suspect that I come across as too needy and this can scare people off.  So my reaction to that has been to keep more to myself and not say too much, which is difficult to do when you want to connect with people.  So the result is that I appear anxious and unfriendly - not a good way to make friends.

I'm sorry that you're unable to move out due to lack of work.  It's impossible to pay for a room in a share house without a full-time wage.  Have you looked at courses at your local TAFE?  There's government fee assistance available and a huge range of courses available nowadays that are designed to help you get "job ready" and into work.  The great thing about studying is that it gets you out of the house and into a group of people who have the same interest as you - bonus!  There are also on-site cafes and social groups at each TAFE which might help you connect with other people.

Have you heard of MeetUP?  It's an online social network run by ordinary people who share similar interests. It's not another online social media platform - the difference is that these groups organise social events for members to actually meet up face to face.  There are hundreds of groups just in Melbourne alone (it's international) with a fair few catering to the LGBTI community. There are also groups for people who live with anxiety and depression as well as social phobia.

I'm a member of a couple of groups and keen to join a "Chilli appreciation Society" group when someone creates it!

I want you to know that you're not alone and I really hope things get better for you MisterM.

cheers

Stitch

MisterM
Community Member

Hi Stitch,

I really appreciate your post, thank you for taking the time to type.
Yeah I think I come across as unfriendly as I keep to myself and don't talk much.
I am thinking of maybe going back to uni to try nursing, but my passion is music which doesn't bring in the money. I am conflicted, I know I need to work in the real world but doing so makes me miserable, I want to have a purpose where my heart lies.
My psychologist kept asking me to get on MeetUp but I never did, I have a fear of meeting all these new people. I find it very uncomfortable.
Thank you for your kind words.

Stitch
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi MisterM,

Going back to school is a fantastic idea.  But if the thought is a bit overwhelming, you could just sign up for a a couple of classes and see how you go.  Nursing is a very noble profession and is a greatly respected field of work.  It takes a special kind of person to care for people who are vulnerable and I'm positive that this vocation would provide you with a real sense of purpose.

 I get that you'd rather be a musician.  Modern society tells us to "follow your dream, reach for the stars and don't acccept anything less" but I think the reality for most people is that they have to work in a job that's no where near their dream job.  Only a lucky few get to do that.  The trick is to find a job that you don't completely hate and that can pay the bills with enough left over to enjoy what you really love doing.

I work in an office and although the people I work with are an amazing bunch of people, if I had my wish, I'd have my own gift shop and spend all my time sewing hand-made toys and eating cupcakes.  So even though I don't get to "follow my passion", I can still appreciate my good fortune in having a job that pays the bills and provides me with enough money and time to do what I enjoy most.

I really hope you can give Meetup some more thought.  The really great thing about it is that the people who join up are just like you!  They're people (like you and me) who have not been able to find their own kind, with many of them having spent years looking.  I can't adequately describe the relief I felt when I met other people who had had the same early life experience as I had.  It's exhausting having to pretend that I'm normal like everyone else so when I went to my first Meetup, it was such a relief to be able to let my guard down and just relax. 

I know it's really hard meeting new people but you have to find the courage within yourself to do it.

 Stitch

 

 

 

MisterM
Community Member
Thank you Stitch.
I would feel like a big failure if I don't make it in music.
My family will think I am an idiot for having such dreams.
I have a number of songs uploaded hoping people like it.
What kind of Meetup group did you join if you don't mind me asking?

pipsy
Community Member

Hi MisterM.  Please don't take it personally if at first you don't get a 'hearing' with your music.  There are people out there who write books, the amount of rejections they get you could wallpaper your room.  Admittedly no-one likes rejections, but instead of letting it get you down, look at why you were rejected.  Try several places, don't put all your eggs in one basket.  I realize it's hard, but when your family 'laugh' at your rejections, laugh with them.  This will show them you are big enough to take criticism.  If you watch shows like talent quests, take note of the way the performers are criticized.  People who judge these shows, like you started out hopeful.  A lot of them took years before they were published.  Remember, you can't please everyone all the time. 

Good luck and keep trying.

MisterM
Community Member

Hi pipsy,

Thank you for your reply.
Someone in the USA purchased a download of one of my songs late last week.
That is the first time someone has purchased my song and this person told me how much they love it and it has inspired them to write songs.
I was relieved in a way that finally someone likes and appreciates my art, but I was still feeling empty and depressed at the same time. If that can't make me ecstatic with joy then what can.

Paul
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey MisterM,

I get the feeling you're coming down on yourself too hard. What a momentous occasion, someone bought your music and loved it! Seems that depression stole your joy and ability to become ecstatic.

Could you ask the person what they love about the music they bought and make more like it? Ask them to share with their friends and spread the word. Perhaps even write a song about selling your first piece and not feeling the joy. Some of the best music comes from real life emotion and experience, both good and not so good. You probably already know that.

Paul

MisterM
Community Member

Hi Paul,

I think the person loved the lyrics, I'll have to ask.
I have had another person say they love the guitar.
I find it hard to accept praise, I've stopped performing live as I feel down.

Paul
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey MisterM

What gives you Joy?

When you feel down, what do you default to doing?

 

Paul