Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[MisterM]

What's worse is girls look at me like I am weird when I tell them I paint and am a songwriter.

[Azzdog]

Does that happen a lot? I find that women just don't care or don't show any emotion whatsoever.

[MisterM]

Yep.

[Azzdog]

It sucks dude. I don’t understand women. They say they want a guy who is able to think creatively about things and produce art and yet when they come across a guy that meets that criteria they want nothing to do with him.

That happens to me a lot.

[MisterM]

It makes me feel like some freak, weirdo, social outcast. I've not met someone who goes "wow" and asks me about my hobbies. What would they rather here me say? What would make them take interest in me?

[Juliet_84]

Hi MisterM,

Welcome to the forums, and I’m sorry that you are feeling so low. After reading your posts, it’s clear to me that your attitude is what’s really standing in the way of things at the moment. Even if you did meet a lovely, kind person right now, I think that she might get scared off with all the negative talk and the “all women want bad boys etc”, which I think is completely untrue. That may be the case when you’re 17 years old and immature, but people quickly get over that. As a woman who was once 17 myself, what I love is a man who is kind and can make me laugh and feel good about myself. But if someone is always seeing the negative in things, that can get me down and so I tend to shy away from people like that. The world is full of lonely people and your problem, and everyone who is dating, is that our current society doesn’t lend itself to meeting people organically. Which is where online dating comes in - it doesn’t have to be the be all and end all, but it’s a means to an end of bridging that gap and meeting someone in person. I hope that you take my post as it was intended (ie well meaning), I just think that if you want a different result, you need to get out of your rut and do something different.

[smallwolf]

You said that people look at you weird when you tell them you "paint and am a songwriter". What do you do at that point?

Could you turn that situation to your advantage?

If you get a weird look, you could ask them "Don't I look like an artist? I could show you some of my work."

The people you are speaking to might be shy, or not know how to respond, or thinking about something else? I mentioned to Aaron (Azzdog) about a guy that did a TED talk about facing 100 days of rejection to overcome something he faced at primary school. The guy would actually develop skills to turn rejection into a "sale" of a sort. You don't have to watch the video, or repeat his experiment, but I would suggest that getting the weird look does not have stop a conversation? Does it?

Tim

[MisterM]

Hi Juliet,

Thanks for replying.
I don't talk negative around women, I keep it all inside.

"But if someone is always seeing the negative in things, that can get me down and so I tend to shy away from people like that." - Very true, I cannot be bothered with a guy I used to be friends with years ago, we recently got back in touch due to tragic circumstances. His negativity is one of the reasons I can't be with him.

As for online dating, I was in a Facebook singles group and it turned me off. A lot of idiots on there posting disgusting, immature things. I don't know, I just can't get over my bias against online dating. It seems to attract a lot of immature people.

[MisterM]

Hi smallwolf,

Thanks for replying.
I don't consider myself or see myself as an artist to be honest which may sound weird seeing I do artistic things. Maybe because I don't do it full-time and don't put my music out there and have never exhibited my few paintings.
When girls don't ask me about it or keep the conversation going it just goes silent until one of us brings up a new topic. It's also a "I don't care" look I get. Hard to explain. Even family members do it to me. Like "oh yeah...." and then nothing else.

[Azzdog]

Hey dude,

I know exactly what you mean. I've been on dates where the conversation revolves around the woman, not by choice I assure you. I ask questions about their hobbies but it is never reciprocated. When I put myself out there they either don't really respond at all or they just answer awkwardly and then it is all about them again. I used to think it was my of conveying my interests, but I don't think that anymore. People can be incredibly selfish and self centred it blows my mind sometimes.

As for online dating, I understand your hesitancy. I don't think it is any good either. Have you tried any before? If you haven't then maybe its worth a try, just to try something new? However, I understand your point about meeting offline. Online is a really weird way of meeting people.