Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

[MisterM]

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

[MisterM]

Hey Flylikeabutterfly2019,

Thanks for replying.
I have a beard, not too long. Some women love facial hair some don't. Hard to know.
My psychologist tried to get me to join social groups but I couldn't find the will.
I'm glad that at least there's someone out there (you) that likes shy guys.
I feel like girls don't like me as in they think I'm an a**hole. Just the looks I get.

[Msimok]

Hi there this struck me as an interesting post yet at the same time I felt troubled that you felt so low about yourself, I am of similar age and do lack self confidence especially after having children I have been out of the dating arena since I was approx 18 and I wouldn't even know where to start right now, I guess you need some confidence I take it till I make it it's that simple everyone is insecure about something the media and social influence is designed that way. When it comes to family maybe just tell them your difficulty. I would also consider joining art classes or groups of like minded people you'll never know if you don't try also there may be a book or two that you can read on self confidence just till you get to know someone. There is a quote I read recently basically you receive what you project. I hope something I have come up with is able to help.

[MisterM]

Hi Msimok,
Thanks for replying.
Yeah I probably am projecting negativity outward. I don't know. It seems that it doesn't bother guys as much. They seem to want to talk to me. Maybe women are better at picking up what I project.
There is one woman I met on Facebook, we've been friends online for about 6 months. I have not gathered the courage to ask her out. I've never met her in person.

[Azzdog]

Hey MisterM,

The way you write reminds me of me and how I interpret things.

About that girl who doesn’t acknowledge you at the uni group and at the train station, have you ever tried to instigate conversation? The one thing I’ve learnt in therapy over the past couple of years is that generally, rejection has really got nothing to do with you. It’s really on them if they have a problem with you.

I know what you mean about online dating. It’s absolutely shocking to be honest. People can be really brutal on forums like that and it isn’t a natural way of meeting others. I’ve got off it for now and maybe I’ll try again, but it’s caused me so much pain and angst that it’s probably not worth it for me right now.

[Msimok]

Well that's a good start, i believe communication is very important so if all you guys have been doing is chatting that's a positive, male or female some people do a lot of reading between the lines and analysing and game playing what is the underlying msg and all that jazz, and it sounds like your spending alot of time on this and possibly over thinking things and building it up into a hurdle as we can sometimes do with depression believe me I struggle with balancing emotions and thoughts, maybe just let go a bit and experience it ask her on a date she either will or won't at least you know where you stand and can stop beating yourself up maybe move foward, move on or remain friends only. I jumped in the deep end recently about 2 weeks ago and did something I would never usually do it turns out that I was trying to fill a void in an unhealthy way and lost all moral compass in doing so lost track of my core values and beliefs, and after giving this person ultimately all they wanted,i didn't want to be the book up call so I felt the only way out for me was to do everything men usually run from there for I wouldn't have to be the bad guy and entered into playing head games just like the person had been doing with me the weeks leading up to this, my point I'm trying to make is I have lost sleep feel horrible and had been saving myself for someone special and gave it to someone wasn't even into, i can't take that back and it kills me right now, the lesson I have learnt is don't change yourself for someone we can change small things about us like maybe your hair style or pick your feet up when you walk, smile more or try a different food but not major things that make you who you are. And also as for living at home alot of people do this when saving for a home etc if you can afford to move out maybe do it for yourself it could help you boost your confidence and you will feel much more independant at the end of all this your self worth and happiness is the important part.

[MisterM]

Hi Msimok,

Thanks for your suggestions/help.
No way would I change for anyone. Maybe that's the problem, I'm too honest.
Sorry to hear about your recent experience.
I am saving myself for someone special and don't want to just have sex with anyone to lose my virginity.
Regarding this woman, we hardly talk to be honest. Sometimes we comment on each other's posts.
She did invite me a few times to events she will be at. Maybe a hint?

[Msimok]

Your welcome, I try help where I can great at giving it sometimes a bit slow in reciving it.

Possibly the invite could have been a hint of I wanna get to know you or could have been I would like to meet you not sure. Usually if someone wants to spend time with you that's a good thing right?

[MisterM]

I guess it is.
She invited me to an event she is involved in which is tonight but I have this assignment due soon and need to work on it. She said she'd invite me next time the show is on.
She's 8 years older than me, not sure if that would be an issue for her?

[Msimok]

Its really important not to drop everything for someone but make some sort of effort like meet half way type of thing, you really need to let her know some small things like your age and what you interest are and what your looking for and so on, therefor no one is left feeling confused and lines dont get blurred, wish you luck with it all there's been some good tips and advice in this thread.

[MisterM]

Oh she knows my age and my interests and I hers.
Thanks.