Silently in love with two people and confused

[Silently_aching]

Hi there

I have turned to writing my untold love story on here as it has truly changed my life and has left me confused. I have a partner in whom I have loved dearly for many years,  but sadly has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Since the cancer has entered our lives we have both become very different people. It has pushed us in ways that I never ever thought we could ever be! We were always so strong as couple and there was never any doubt or fear in our relationship till now. The stress has pushed us in two very different direction. Ones that I can't seem to understand. Stress has been ever so evil to us both. It has got to the point where I have to prove my love on a daily basis, but yet it is never enough. She started pushing me away, and each time, it left me distressed and lost to where my life was heading.  I never ever seen a life without her, but yet it seemed easy for her to throw me a side each day.  Unfortunately,  because of this, I had fallen into a very dark place. Thoughts then became uncontrollable to what was once a happy space. I fought to prove myself till I couldn't no more. So I decided to shut off any feelings I held and kept them in the dark. I chose to live life as if there was nothing wrong. But really, I was so depressed that people could see it for what it really was. I was hurting! Then a person then reached out to me, to show me that they recognized that I needed help, this person's experienced the same thing that I was currently going through, which made her very easy to talk to. But, over time. I had created feeling for this person unintentionally.

From simple messaging to then conversations on the phone, to becoming somewhat part of my daily routine. This had left me feeling very confused. I tried fighting against what i was feeling but could never win! This then had put me in more of breakdown that i was already feeling. Then realizing that this attraction was more of and emotional connection made it a hundred time harder as she had become my calm in my chaos left me silently calling for her. once i noticed this, i tried to pull away. But i can't.  Each time I did it hurt, but yet I loved my partner still. This had really thrown me. So I chose not to tell the other that I felt the way I did and just thought of as my one untold love story that ended without a beginning.

I carried on with my partner in the hopes that my feeling for the other will fade. But instead,  it has me laying here thinking, and now I know that my own thoughts can be my own worse enemy.

Is it wrong of me to want to hurt the one that I love, even thought she deserves so much more because I feel I no longer deserve her because of my feelings that may be elsewhere.

I love her so much, but yet I feel so lost in the thought of the other.

Loving silently is truly a curse. 

But is the other a blessing or is she the biggest, hardest lesson of my life.

I am yet to know... 

The hurt is to much!!!

[sbella02]

Silently_aching,

I can sense your pain through your words. Thank you for finding the courage to post here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. From your long-term partner receiving a heartbreaking diagnosis, to the feeling of being pushed aside, to the guilt that you're feeling about your newly formed emotional connection. 

The reality is that human beings do have emotional needs. And if these aren't being met, we will sometimes subconsciously seek other means of obtaining those needs. You want to feel seen and heard and respected, and while you were offering this to your partner, your mind and feelings weren't being nurtured or valued in the way that you needed. The development of attraction externally is not a reflection of the love you and your partner have for each other, and that's important to remember. Having said that, while attraction may come up naturally, it's only acting on this attraction that could become a problem. 

I would, if you feel comfortable and haven't already, have a conversation with your partner about how they're feeling and what they may need from you emotionally, because they may tell you that they require space or time to process their own feelings about their illness. It may help to understand more about why she may be pushing you away before telling her how much it's hurting you to be pushed away. At the end of the day, as much as she may need you in this situation and her needs are important, you also have to consider your wellbeing as well, and a gentle approach to communication is the best way to achieve this.

Honestly, the only person who can make the right decision in this situation is you. If you feel like you need to continue having this second person in your life but keep them at a distance, only you can make that decision. If you feel like you need to cease your friendship with this second person in order to alleviate that guilt, then that's what you should do. Consider how you would feel long-term in both scenarios. Consider why you value this other person's company, and what they're bringing to your life currently. Is this something that your partner may be able to give you after communicating this to them? Is this something that other friends or loved ones could provide?

In terms of attraction to somebody who isn't your partner, this is something I've felt before. I would never have acted on it, but I decided in that moment that the best thing to do was to chat more to my partner about my emotional needs, after which point we stuck it out for a while but decided eventually that we were not compatible. This is objectively a much different scenario, but the premise of having faith in yourself and your judgement still remains. What do you think would lead to the best outcome for you and your partner? What outcome is important to you? What are your needs and how are they being met/not being met?

I hope this helps a little, or at least helps you reflect on what I can see is a difficult situation for you. Please continue chatting with us, we can help you out some more if you'd like.

All the best, SB

[Silently_aching]

Thank you 

I have to admit, reading your reply has truly settled my thoughts in the sense that I am not the only one that has walked this journey blind, and to hear another explain what is needed and myself actually read it. I can see it clearly. 

I understand that my guilt I am holding is getting the better of me as I am one of the most honest people. So for me holding such thoughts has somewhat left me feeling that I have not only let my partner, my family the other down but I feel as if I have lost myself!

It's a situation that in a million years I would never ecer see myself in. 

But , due to your advice...I can see a path to follow, and for that.

I am greatful....

Thank you

[sbella02]

Silently_aching,

I'm glad my words have resonated with you, in what I can see has been a confusing experience for you. It's great to hear that you can see a path, too.

If you're feeling like you've lost yourself, don't worry. It can be common to get these feelings if you're in a relationship and feel that some of your emotional needs are not being met. If you have any hobbies or passions that you love to do, these can really help with feelings of losing yourself. 

SB