Should I tell him?

[Lolly121]

Hi,

So 6 months ago my partner and I of three years had a miscarriage and he wasnt supportive at all. We grew apart for three months after it. I resented him for not being supportive. We live together but hardly talked and didnt get along.

i went out one night got very very drunk and kissed a random man at the pub who then told me he was married. The man lives 3 hours away and I'll never see him again.

He made contact with me to apologise and promised he will never tell a soul and to think of this as a small bump in my road and to learn from it.

My partner and I have always said that if we slipped up once in our relationship ship we'd bother rather not know as long as no sex or emotions were involved.

So I've respected his wishes, we have mended out relationship the last 3 months and are such a wonderful loving team. We had a second miscarriage this month and I'm an EMOTIONAL wreck.

My guilt, shame and angry towards myself is unbearable.. I'm so scared he'll find out and hate me forever. I've loved my partner for 7 years. His my world and I'm so sad I made this mistake. I know if I was to ever do it again I would be open and tell him as twice is not a mistake. But I'm so scared we will get married have children then this will come out in 10/20 years time and destroy absolutely everything 😞 I'm so scared and worried. The man said he'd never tell anyone as he is married and for me to move on learn and forget 😞 what should I do ;( I'm a horrible person

[mmMekitty]

Hi Lolly121, welcome to the forum.

I thiink there are two completely seperate issues. One is the one-off kiss at a pub with a man, after you'd been drinking a bit & whether or not to tell your partner, & why to tell him... The other are the miscarriages & how your partner didn't support you after the first. (I'm not sure about how he responded after the second).

You feel so much guilt, worry about if your partner finds out you kissed the man at the pub, & when - so much you may be anxious until your partner does hear about it. I don't know how likely it is he ould find out. In any event, I think the fact of it ought to come from you & not from anyone else , first. Is your relationship based in trust & honesty or not?

You've agreed to a proviso that whatever happens is not significant enough unless it involves sex or emotions. Seems to me such an agreenment is open to interpretation. However, if you are not certain about whether or not the intoxicated kissing of a man in a pub was sexual or emotional is only something you can decide.

*

As for the miscarriages, & your partner's response, have you talked to him about the miscarriages & how you feel? Have you told him you need his support & what that means. I mean, what does his support look like to you? What can he do to support you? He may be struggling with knowing what to say or do, so you may need to spell it out to him.

A miscarriage isn't a small thing, but also the greater loss of what you begin to imagine as a child & their life, your life, & how the future looks. It's all sorts of hopes & dreams. & it's also about you as a woman, who wants to be a mother. That's a lot, which he may not know how to deal with. He may not even comprehend how deeply you feel.

Do I have this right? I don't know.

*

Be kind to yourself, this doesn't nothing you wrote means you are a bad person. If you were, you wouldn't have given the kiss or the miscarriages a second thought.

mmMekitty

[Juliet_84]

Hi Lolly121,

This may be an unpopular opinion but I wouldn’t tell him in this instance. You slipped up once while you were drunk and kissed someone you shouldn’t have. It was a random stranger and meant nothing and you have been beating yourself up ever since and been experiencing the full gamut of guilt, shame etc. Based on your reaction, you made a mistake and I bet that it’s one that you make as you probably don’t want to put yourself through feeling this way ever again. Your partner was not behaving particularly nicely at the time by not being supportive while you went through a miscarriage, and I’m not saying that is an excuse, but he’s not without blame in this situation. You are both getting along well now and I think this will really just spoil that, and you don’t know how he will react to this news either, over a kiss when you were drunk that you deeply regret. Give it time and it will fade into the background and you will hardly ever think of it again. And if it ever comes out it will be 10 years down the track and only a drunken kiss. You are of course going to do with what you can live with so I don’t want to force my opinions on you but you made a mistake (which is fairly minor in the scheme of things)

[WaterFront]

Hi Lolly121,

You made a mistake at a time when you were feeling very vulnerable. I understand how you would be feeling lots of negative emotions relating to this which demonstrates that you are a decent person who loves their partner very much. I feel you need to show yourself some kindness in relation to this. If it were me, I would not tell my partner as it doesn't serve any useful purpose and as Juliet_84 says it is fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. It meant nothing to you which was one of the criteria you and your partner agreed to as not wanting to be told.

WF

[Summer Rose]

Hi Lolly

Please accept my condolences on your two miscarriages. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope your partner is more supportive this time around. Hugs to you.

As for the kiss, I’m in sync with Juliet and Waterfront for all the reasons they’ve already stated.

Let it go. It was meaningless and inconsequential. We all live and learn.

Kind thoughts to you

[She_Still_Stands]

What happened with you isn’t anything to feel ashamed about or to let it keep tearing down your sense of worth. Having watched my daughter and her husband experience a miscarriage, I was surprised at how differently they processed it. He seemed to move on quickly while it’s still something that my daughter finds difficult to talk about 4 years later.
I saw the strain it took on their relationship. But in my heart I know he was/ and is, a good man.
My view is that sometimes we do uncharacteristic things during uncharacteristic times. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Or a bad wife.
If you were my daughter and she asked me this question I would honestly ask her what the benefit to telling her husband would be. If it’s to stop the gap between you now, because of your guilt - I would tell her to speak with a professional counsellor and work through ways to make help her understand it maybe wasn’t a reflection of their relationship as such - but maybe the need to connect with someone at any intimate level - that was desperately missing.
I honestly don’t think telling him would do you or him any good right now. Maybe years down the track when it won’t have the sting left in it.
If on the whole your husband has been/ is a good man it may be that he too was hurting and couldn’t express it, so he shut you out. Telling him won’t make things better. It’ll only hurt him more.
Only you kissed the other man, but only you went through the pain of feeling pushed away - so be kind to yourself, talk it thru professionally, process it, and put it away. And I believe you’ll be okay. 💛

[geoff]

Hello Lolly, I am also deeply sorry for what you have been through and it's not an experience I have had to cope with, but know how you must be feeling.

On New Years Eve we kiss other people and that is accepted, so while you were out you had a little too much to drink and it's easy to give another person a kiss, sure if your partner or spouse was there, then it might not be approved, but you were there by yourself, an accident that can easily happen, and sometimes when people sober up the next day, they may not even realise what's happened, so I agree with those above me and not tell him.

If you do and as he was no support from your first miscarriage, then the situation may not end up well, and there shouldn't be any guilt, you were drunk and this person probably approached you, so let it rest.

Can I ask how many people you kissed when the new year arrived, this was accepted wasn't it, just as your partner did, and remember you might kiss a new member of his family when you meet, just as he does.

Think nothing of it.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Lolly

My heart goes out to you as you face the terrible grief that comes with miscarriage. I think unless someone has felt that kind of personal grief, it can be difficult for them to understand. I've found, having experienced 2 miscarriages many years ago, 2 come with a different kind of grief than one. The stage of the pregnancies can also determine the type of grief. Whether it was your first time being pregnant or it came after giving birth to a first child, this can also determine the type of grief. Mine happened between my 1st and 2nd child, so while I can relate to the grief of miscarriage, I can't fully relate to what it feels like for someone who is yet to have children. I can only imagine the grief and still I'd probably be way off feeling how deep it goes.

There can be so many triggers. Of course, there's the biggy of seeing women with babies everywhere. Kind of feels like they all start coming out of the woodwork, just to make you suffer. I think my biggest trigger was that taboo remark for any woman who feels such pain, 'You should be over this by now'. In my opinion, anyone who says this to a grieving mum should get a big psychological slap that involves waking up to understand the cruelty and neglect in regard to such a comment. It's a terrible and depressing thing to say.

In regard to the kiss, just my opinion of course but I wouldn't mention it. Your partner has already stated the terms of your relationship, terms which you've both agreed to. If you see your relationship as a kind of contract, did you break the terms of the contract? Technically, not yet. The terms were 'A kiss, as an error in judgement, is not reportable'. This is from a purely analytical perspective, as opposed to an emotional one. If it's of any help, when it comes to the emotional side (guilt), I've personally come to redefine guilt in constructive ways. I like to see guilt as nothing more than a signpost. It's at the point at which we stand before 2 very different paths. We can feel our self standing there with the great emotion that comes with choosing, as we leave our mistake/s behind us. 'Will I take the path of repeat behaviour or will I take the path of more conscious living?'.

Do you think the kiss was simply about wanting to feel anything other than what you were feeling at the time? Did the kiss come from a place of pain? Moving forward through giving yourself release from this is so important. A psychological prison is a torturous place in which to live.

[Karen0901]

I'm sorry about your miscarriages. I have had 2 myself. It is difficult. I had mine during my 7 years of IVF. 

In terms of your partner's lack of support, I would suggest that we all deal with things differently. Some people don't want to talk about things like this, other people do. That may be what happened here. He may not have had the ability to support you because he was also struggling. Sometimes It's better to get support elsewhere, from a more neutral party. Like your Mother or a councillor.

I'm not sure about whether yiu should tell him or not. I know I personally would not be able to keep the information to muself as the guilt would drive me insane. You may not have this problem. When I think about what I would want my husband to do if he was in the situation you described, I would say I wouldn't want to know.... It is not enough for me to divorce him but it would effect how I felt about our relationship.

[Lolly121]

Hi there.. I feel crap. 12 months ago I kissed a random man I've been dating my partner for 4 years. It was a lapse in judgement, we were struggling after a miscarriage and no support. I regret it but never told him because it meant nothing and I've learnt from it. We've mended our relationship and things are great. 

It was dumb and wreckless. I was at a pub and the man agreed to never tell anyone and we both moved on and I haven't been in contact since. Am I mental. And I doing the wrong thing. I want to move on and ve happy