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Should I just give up on the concept of a relationship?

Community Member

I am 44 and have never been in a one on one relationship. I lived overseas some time ago and came out as gay and was somewhat sexually active, although I never had a partner I had regular friends that were in open relationships. Anyway I came back to Australia and was really depressed I had one, one night stand and that was it.

Since then I gained a huge amount of weight and since I'm quite ugly I gave up on the idea of meeting anybody and became something of a hermit. I was sort of lonely but became self reliant and coped on my own.

About 2 months ago some of these overseas friends came to Australia and were disappointed by what I had become, the fact that I haven't had sex for close to 15 years caused great concern (mind you none of them were interested in me in that way anymore) so I was "encouraged" to use gay dating apps.

These apps have been really hard because people either ignore me or actually go out of their way to tell me how unattractive and unsuitable I am (trust me fellas I know). I thought I had met some body but after a few weeks I worked out that was all a scam and I was devastated.

So do I keep up talking to scammers (about 80% of people who message me( I'm really good at spotting them now)) and people who are mostly horrible to me for having the audacity to say hello. Or do I accept my fate delete the apps and go back to my social cave?

3 Replies 3

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Polar Boy,

Sorry its been so tough for you out there. I'm sure you have other redeeming qualities apart from your looks that others would find attractive.

How do you feel about going out socially. To bars for example. You can spark up conversations and go from there or just simply be around others.

Ive also put on weight ( straight,female) & know how it feels to not feel so great on the outside, & inside for that matter but u can't let yourself down by giving up on what will make you happiest.

Id say venture out of that cave....the world is full of endless possibilities 😉

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Polar Boy

I wanted to say welcome and I am so glad that you have come to chat with what I think is a common thing for so many singles these days, regardless of sexual orientation, male or female, small or tall..well you know what I am getting at.

On line dating is the pits, it really is, I have no other words, it gives people the opportunity to be 10 feet tall and say horrible things for no other reason than...well cos they feel they can. Then there are the scammers, the overseas people trying to get money out of you...it really is just horrendous. I feel your frustration and I am in the same boat as you, well I am not a gay man but I find the whole online process to be soul destroying.

Please do not give up on the search for love, if in fact that is what you want, I read that your friends thought it disappointing in what you had become and that you hadn't had sex for 15 years and that caused them concern, I would just like to ask if it in fact causes you concern? If it doesn't then that is awesome to hear. I don't think it is fair for your friends to push their perceptions of what they think is concerning and what is right for you onto you. The only person who knows what is right for you ....yep you guessed it...you.

So if it is love you seek, I encourage you to maybe go out to some social things and see who you meet, if that is not what you want, totally fine too, you just get on with being the wonderful you.

Your fate is what you say, not what some online drongo says...hugs to you Polar Boy.


Community Champion
Community Champion

Welcome Polar bear,

I thank you for your honest post that many people reading will relate to.

I understand how hurtful comments can be on dating sites when people are so judgmental.

This may sound so cliched but it is true, those people who judge you on your weight are not the people you want to have a relationship with.

I can tell from your writing you express yourself, are sensitive, are clever and have self awareness.

I remember a while ago when I went on dating sites, I found out I was in a demographic where there are about twenty women for every man, so men felt free to tell me I was over weight, I had no clothes sense , I looked unhappy, I sounded like I was boasting in my profile because I liked to read!! etc etc

When one is looking for a partner one is sensitive enough and full of self doubt without having people make hurtful comments.

I am not sure if you have a hobby or a something you like doing, that is a way to meet people. Or doing a class in the evening or on the weekend, learning a new skill etc.

Maybe think about meeting a few new people first rather than the big goal of a partner. I think the more confidence you get from meeting more people the more it will help you. Just a thought.

Feel free to keep the discussion going. You are supported and you are not alone.