Is It Selfish?

[ItsWhatever]

My parents had an argument a few nights ago. I say argument, but it was more of my mum screaming at my dad and accusing him of things and calling him this and that while my dad sat silently (presumably smoking outside). It was 12:00am. My brother was trying to calm her down, he ended having to hide stuff in his room because she kept threatening to break things.

I tried not to be bothered by this. I wanted to tell someone, but I felt like that would be victimising myself. Parents fight all the time right? I tried to be okay. I really did. But the next day in school I was so caught up on telling myself that this was fine, that I shouldn’t be making a deal out this. I told myself it was fine, that I would just give myself one day to be stressed and sad about it. So i spent most of the day not talking much, and thinking and trying to convince myself that I was okay. I wanted to let myself have one day to get it out my system.

But by doing this I accidentally set my friend off. She got upset because she thought I was ignoring her. She told her girlfriend, and her girlfriend assured her saying there would be no reason for me to ignore her. And then tried to get us to talk, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t want to tell them it was because my parents fought because it’s not a big deal right? Parents fight all the time, thats what I told myself. Its such a small issue.

I didn’t say anything except that I wasn’t ignoring her.

And I realized then that I can’t be sad, because if I am, then my friends will think its because of them and I don’t ever want to put my friends through that again.

But is it a little selfish of me to want to tell someone? Or to wish that I could be sad, and it wouldn’t become anyone else’s issue either? I just want to be sad without making someone else upset, because honestly I’m tired of looking after other people when I’m barely looking after myself. Is that selfish? I just want to be cared for, but I know that it’ll stress them out. Especially because they’re the ones who have it so much worse. I think it’s because of my period too.

I’m not really quite sure what to do. I’m just so tired and stressed lately. And I’m not sure if I have anyone to tell that to right now.

[geoff]

Hello ItsWhatever, and a warm welcome to the forums, and yes parents do argue and disagree on many an occasion but if it's concerning yourself then you can be involved, decisions made against your will.

Unfortunately, we never know whether we'll be sad for a day or much longer, simply because we just don't know.

If you are in a group of people and not feeling well, then they will naturally ask you 'what's wrong', and they would have been through this themselves at one such time, so they will understand to a certain point, and the reason I say this is because everyone is in a different situation.

You need to look after yourself and you can start by contacting KidsHelpline 1800 55 1800, Reachout online, HeadSpace 1800 650 890 or ring BB 1300 22 4636.

Please let us know how you are feeling and what you decide to do.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ItsWhatever,

Thank you for your post. I'm going to jump straight into your question here:

Of course not. No way ho zay.

It's not selfish at all. In fact it's perfectly natural and understandable to me that you'd be feeling this way. Even if you had a picture perfect family at home, it would still make sense to want to have time for yourself and to feel this way - add that to dealing with stuff at home and it's just a rough combo.

Sometimes yeah, parents fight. They argue, and that's normal. But there also has to be this balance because if people fight all the time it's just not a healthy relationship to be in. Whether or not your parents relationship is healthy though doesn't mean that you have a right to feel (or not feel) 'fine'. You are allowed to not feel fine. You have permission for things to not always be fine.

I hope that this gives you a bit of reassurance! Nothing about what's happening is selfish and you deserve to have that time to yourself and to be able to feel the way you want to feel.

RT

[Juliet_84]

Hi itswhatever,

I suspect that like me, you dislike conflict, as it seems to have a really negative effect on me afterwards as well and I feel unsettled for at least a day after an argument. So I try and surround myself with drama-free people (although, like you, I had a mother who caused conflict on a regular occasion). Some people fight and it doesn’t seem to bother them and other people live in peace and like to avoid it - each to their own as long as both agree.

You’re right, you should be able to just take the day to wallow in your sadness a bit without people automatically making it about them. But friends can be very in tune and know when something is up so it may be worthwhile at the outset letting them know that you are dealing with some stuff that you don’t want to talk about but doesn’t involve them, just to stop them worrying?