Should I cut ties

[HelloGail]

My only child 25 year old daughter hurt me in May 2022 when she told me she wanted me to have boundaries. Limit to calling once per week and no texting. I do not have any social media so I am not in her face so to say but this week she broke her promise to stay and help me after my eye surgery. These two actions by her is obvious to me that she wants to break away from me and I fear the worst that when she eventually marries I won't be invited, these are my fears and worries for our future. Should I break free? Example change my phone number and close all contact off as I fear of being hurt but I am already hurting. I have watched the song Hurt and Hello Darkness My Old Friend songs/videos on YouTube and those two songs are where my head is at and my heart in broken. I have started to actually feel my love for her has died. It feels hopeless. Is there any other parents in similar situation as my self constantly walking on egg shells?

[HelloGail]

Hi 😀 Lenscap: Yes I have and paid my appointment for January 2022. I so want to free myself from this toggle of letting go. She has a partner of 5 years and I guess we had to grow apart. I was a solo parent, shared 50/50 custody but we enjoyed each others company, always cuddled on the lounge watching Tele but of course that waned naturally as she became a teenager. I am a warm and a affectionate person and it felt natural, when she went off to uni she begged me to move near there, a year later I did and suddenly she started changing, but she wasn't nice about it. I had only arrived in my unit less than 10 days. And so we had a session with Relationship Australia then 2017. She lived full time at the campus except at the end of year when they break for 2 months. She graduated 2019 and is going overseas to work for 3 years next June. I am looking forward to her going as it sounds so exciting for her. Thank you.

[HelloGail]

😍thank you for your reply. My daughter and her partner read only positive thinking books and seminars. I prefer being myself, naturale as I went through same in my early 20's too and it was too hard. Thank you again. 

[Lenscap]

It sounds like she was very lucky to have your support growing up. It is not unreasonable for your bird to leave the nest and hopefully seeing her fly solo will feel like a reward for your hard work. Their twenties can be a formative time where people try out different living situations as they start to set themselves up in the world. It can be a difficult and emotionally demanding time. I suspect she will be searching for a confidence that she is ready to approach that next step. This doesn't mean she won't need/want you in her life anymore and the change in her living situation will necessitate a change in your communication. It will be a new and exciting challenge for you both. 

[HelloGail]

I just wish to sadly share that my daughter and her partner left today. We three were planned to spend 4 nights over Christmas in a Airbnb in the northern beaches. If it wasn't for my eye operation on the 12 December, everything would have been honky dory. She came back on Monday while I had my 12 eye stitches removed. My surgeon said to wear the eye guard for another 2 days as the graft had pulled away (probably due to the stress and tests of last Thursday 15th when she flew the handle because I woke her at 7:30am and so she left returning to Albury. Tues & Wed they spent the whole day out until 6pm. I needed her to drive to shops so I could buy a hat for our trip over Christmas it was a brief trip. I had 3 fresh Salmon to cook for dinner but they said that just the two of them, want to go to a restaurant for dinner. I bought the salmon while we were out. She said put the 2 in the freezer. I lost it. I said do you just have me in your boundaries box and just want to pull me out on Christmas Day. Of course I reacted. It was all my fault and so she left. Apologies to readers and replies but the writings on the wall, she doesn't want to spend time with me, she wants to be with her partner 24/7. They live together, 5 years now. So, I am alone again. I will not see her again as she is moving to UK in June and doing nursing in NT to save for the money. I am on a disability pension as I have an acute anxiety disorder and poor. She is 25 years old, I am 62. 

[Croix]

Dear HelloGail~

I guess themost important thing to ask you at hte moment is how is your eye? You did mention that a graft was not 100% so I'm hoping everything is now fine wiht it.

I'm sorry to hear the relationship wiht your daughter -and her partner - is so rocky. For some reason Christmas does seem to bring these things out even more. I'd expect it was a very lonely day for you.

Apart from your daughter is there other family you have contact with, or failing that any friends?

It would be very esy to dwell on this break, to regard it as permanent, and feel no only are you not valued but are at a stage in your life where things may seem purposeless.

It is certainly a blow to one's feelings of value and self esteem, and I believe that now is a good time to try to reinforce your feelings of what you want and what you need. I can't really make intelligent suggestions as I don't know you circumstances. Do you have pet or able and want to get one?

Beyond that whatever seems sensible and attractive, from exercise to reading, joining a choir to a charity.

Admittedly these things might seem daunting and hard ot start, but it can make a huge difference. If you  have a favorite activity reward yourself wiht a little of it at the end of each day, something to look forward to.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[geoff]

HelloGail, if you change your phone number then there could be a time when you do want to ring her or text her, then she will know your number, so I don't think that will achieve much at the moment.

Your daughter is only thinking of herself and as harmful this can be, it's her that has to change, not you.

At the moment you can't hypothesise whether or not you are going to invited to her wedding and thinking about it is only going to worsen how you feel, which is not good for you.

One way to attract her attention is for you to try and gain some strength, then perhaps she can look up to you, because sometimes this doesn't happen in reverse.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Bob_22]

Hi HelloGail,

Thank you for the update and I'm so sorry to hear of this development. I hope your eye has been okay after wearing the guard. Similar to what Croix mentioned, Xmas is a very stressful time and can bring out alot of tension in families. I hope after a few weeks you and your daughter can have a productive conversation about the boundaries and her leaving to the UK. I'm 30 years old now and I know 5 years ago I wanted nothing to do with my father. However five years on I am in a different place and have learned to appreciate him alot more. 

I hope that helps. 💙

Bob

[HelloGail]

Thank you Bob for your support.