Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

[Taylah75]

I was in a 2yr relationship until 10 days ago.

In brief. He split from his marriage 3 months before we met me, his ex wife had affair with mate.

we both have kids & introduced them at the start they didn't get along and then they did. We didn't see each other much during week as I have son 12 out of 14 days and he has his one week on one week off. There was never any pressure on living with each other. We both accepted that could be something down the track when boys older. Two different kids etc. We had fun, good friendship, there for each other and on a physical level very well connected. We text and spoke every day. The last few months both had a bit going on. My friend was dying of cancer and I was there for her through her journey. Visited her in QLD. Etc and organised a wake for her in Melbourne. My boyfriend about 3 weeks ago purchased a property with large mortgage, had issues with his son and having issues with work meaning job on the line. He's been in his job only 10 weeks.

Since the purchase of his property I noticed changes which was only the past four weeks. He was becoming more angry towards me which wasn't like him to be so angry, he was putting me down about my job etc I said what is wrong with you. My head was spinning out of control. I said what is going on. He then said he can't deal with my son, doesn't want him around. I felt really hurt. He hadn't seen him for about two months.

after another chat with him on Friday just gone, Nothing was mentioned about My son. He said he hates Melbourne and people here, has done it again meaning he owns something that now owns him his mortgage. Issues with job, said initially he didn't want kids and is not enjoying having his son one week on and one week off due to son not listening or doing anything. His mum not helping or supporting him at all.

He likes control within his home

environment, doesn't like change, he is a home body and creature of habit. He gave me a hug when I left and wouldn't let me go. Sent text saying I love him and he text and said he feels like a monster.

he did say things that hurt me at the end but feel he's out of control of his life. He said he wants to be alone with no relationship and happy just him and his dog. I feel he's lashed out and not coping. Sent text Tuesday and said I do want to be there. He replied and said thanks your right I'm flat out. Just need advice if I be there or not. Is he depressed and lashed out? Do I be there

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah, I kind of feel he is starting to play games a bit with you. He wants you when he wants you. He's keeping you on a string, mixed signals about enjoying yourself, but not too much etc. I doubt he will se a Dr as long as you are 'there' for him whenever he feels the need. Maybe it's time you started giving him some ultimatums. If he wants a relationship, or not. Depression can cause clouds to appear so the person can't process thought patterns properly, but continuing with the situation is unhealthy. Perhaps it's time you told him see a Dr, get some help, call me only after you see the Dr. If he refuses, you may have to rethink whether you wish to continue. You keep getting dragged down, then given 'scraps' to keep you where he wants you. You are not in a relationship, from where I'm standing. He is using your emotions against you, that is not a relationship. I can't tell you to break-up or continue, all I can say is think about what you're getting out of this continued hurt.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

He just text me and asked to go for dinner on my way home from work. So he did what he said which is good.

i do know what you are saying 100%. Will give me a chance to talk to him about his mixed messages and suggest Dr if the time is right

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. I hope all goes well for you and bf tonight. Be careful how you approach the 'Dr' situation, though. He could become a bit defensive if he thinks you're 'picking' on him with regards to the mixed signals. At the same time, he needs to know you have feelings too, and his behaviour is causing you to question whether there is a relationship. I would be inclined to tell him his behaviour has hurt you and let him know you are not his doormat. Btw, my bf has settled down a bit. He still has some issues but because I backed off and concentrated on my needs, things are coming right for him. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and if this means not contacting them, it's okay. He emailed me and let me know he is still there.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Awesome for you. I will let

you knoe thanks for being there an unbiased opinion helps sometimes

[Taylah75]

What a disaster. Initially I thought there was good progress. But he's really messed up. Wants space, says he loves me etc..

then he was funny with his phone which he never has been in a nutshell a girl he went to school with got in contact with him. I shouldn't have looked at his phone but did. Clearly he was interested and she wasn't. Knew something wasn't right.

one minute he wants space, the next he wants me without kids, then he seems to be looking elsewhere.

Appears he needs validation from other people as he was going on about how everyone thinks he's the best person in the world.

i feel like a fool, I think he's lost all control and don't think he will realise. He seems to be on a path of self destruction and I can't be there for him.

told him I'd give him space just so I can move on and make no contact with him at all. He doesn't know what he wants which is really quite sad. He said his son is a lonely boy.... that's sad in itself.

i may just need to post here from time to time to give me my strength back and not contact him anymore.

I deserve so much more than this....

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. Oh dear, I'm so disappointed for you. He sounds rather angry, almost as if you have to continuously prop him up, but he doesn't have to 'be there' for you. He has lost himself and appears to asking you to validate his existence. Now you have to start accepting he is not who you thought he was. Not easy to start, but over time it will get easier. He can't be a father or a bf till he can live with who he is. He appears to completely lack confidence and to constantly want validation that he is still a 'wonderful' person, tells me he could still need parental support. My ex's parents used to continuously tell my ex (their son) how wonderful and amazing he was. My ex would often repeat this to me. My thoughts there are, if someone is that amazing, others will soon clarify and the need to constantly ask for or tell someone how amazing you are means you need to keep hearing that to validate your life. That sort of constant reiteration can be incredibly draining for the person doing the supporting. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally. Okay, now, when the 'urge' to 'hear' his voice visits, ask yourself what you want from him. Remind yourself you won't receive anything, as you haven't before. When I left my ex last year, I had to keep telling myself that if I went back, things would change (for 5 minutes), after his parents phoned him - yet again, I would - again be forgotten in favour of their needs which were constant. Think carefully each time the urge to contact overcomes you. Remind yourself of the last time you saw him (last night). Keep posting here as and when you need support. You will get through this, as each day passes, you will feel stronger too. Allow yourself to feel anger, that anger is real and acceptable. You put your life on hold for him, for nothing. I used to 'rant' frequently, it helps.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Omg you are so right! Don't know if I just posted or not. I've realised he has always needed that constant validation. Buys people things etc. paid his neighbour kid $10 for playing with his son.

I see why his son hasn't issues he is lonely and can't just be a kid. He won't put him anything as he doesn't have an interest in it himself.

constant validation yes, he got me a xmas present why so I could say thanks thanks thanks etc. I got him one but didn't take it was going to see how things went first.

you are so right. They also come across as quite cold etc. I feel that's why his jobs don't last very long. Six months or 12 thats it aS he cant control his true colours. Thinks bosses control him.

So when you say validation with not much parental support does that mean when they are young?

Anyways I left it as though he still has control as I knew it would be easier for me to just not contact him anymore. In other words he still thinks I want to be there for him. Probably not the best way. But for me it is as he will think that I will give in and message regardless. This is me taking back control of my life

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah, The validation is because when he is not with the person who propped him up, someone else has to. It could have been his parents, it may have been a sibling. If his parents constantly supported him as a youngster, they no doubt probably told him how 'wonderful' a son he was/is. If he is the son who drops everything to be with parents or sibling or someone who needs him, the validation, or 'wonderful person he is' will come from their need which he fills. Then his 'validation' tank needs filling, so you come into the equation. You fulfil his need, he fulfils someone else's as you, to him, are strong and don't require the same build up. His son doesn't enter this as he doesn't require anything. When someone is confident and happy and doesn't constantly require the validation or 'build up' the need is more for a give and take relationship. Your bf cannot give this as he has needs more so than the ability to give. The buying of gifts and friendship - again is the need for the 'wonderful, generous to a fault' build -up or validation. You will often hear how generous and kind so and so has been, this is because the person has 'bought' the praise instead of earning it by 'being a friend in need'. True friends seldom take money, they will give of themselves to help others as true friends are gold in value and priceless. I have many acquaintances, and 2 or 3 true friends. I value both, but my true friends are priceless.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

He needs constant validation, he's very angry, can't hold jobs down, lashes out etc...

serious issues and now he seemed to be lying to me.

very very toxic not something I need.....

so no contact. I had two showers today lol as I wanted to wash the negativity off me that's what it felt like. The bag for Xmas he gave I don't even want it. On it says "true love" OMG how ironic I think that's the word.... it's sad and don't think he will change.....

just hard to break free from it.

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. The inability to keep a job, could be because if someone criticises, even if it is constructive, to him, he is being 'picked on'. If others have constantly praised him and told him repeatedly he is 'wonderful', then he is criticised, he will see that as being 'got at'. Your present 'true love', more like, don't leave me, I need you. Unfortunately, it's true, he does need you. He needs the constant reminder of how wonderful he is. You may never hear this from him, if he does say it, it is so you will stay to constantly build him up. Have as many showers as it takes, be as loving and kind to yourself as you need. As far as the lying goes, he is also lying to himself. It is hard to break free of toxic situations, but try to view it as an addiction. Do you have hobbies, interests, 'lose' yourself in hobbies and things that make you happy. Remember, the love you thought was there, was the need you had for company, any company. T.v is better, it can't hurt and you can turn it off, lol. Take care and remember, I'm here.

Lynda