Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

[Taylah75]

I was in a 2yr relationship until 10 days ago.

In brief. He split from his marriage 3 months before we met me, his ex wife had affair with mate.

we both have kids & introduced them at the start they didn't get along and then they did. We didn't see each other much during week as I have son 12 out of 14 days and he has his one week on one week off. There was never any pressure on living with each other. We both accepted that could be something down the track when boys older. Two different kids etc. We had fun, good friendship, there for each other and on a physical level very well connected. We text and spoke every day. The last few months both had a bit going on. My friend was dying of cancer and I was there for her through her journey. Visited her in QLD. Etc and organised a wake for her in Melbourne. My boyfriend about 3 weeks ago purchased a property with large mortgage, had issues with his son and having issues with work meaning job on the line. He's been in his job only 10 weeks.

Since the purchase of his property I noticed changes which was only the past four weeks. He was becoming more angry towards me which wasn't like him to be so angry, he was putting me down about my job etc I said what is wrong with you. My head was spinning out of control. I said what is going on. He then said he can't deal with my son, doesn't want him around. I felt really hurt. He hadn't seen him for about two months.

after another chat with him on Friday just gone, Nothing was mentioned about My son. He said he hates Melbourne and people here, has done it again meaning he owns something that now owns him his mortgage. Issues with job, said initially he didn't want kids and is not enjoying having his son one week on and one week off due to son not listening or doing anything. His mum not helping or supporting him at all.

He likes control within his home

environment, doesn't like change, he is a home body and creature of habit. He gave me a hug when I left and wouldn't let me go. Sent text saying I love him and he text and said he feels like a monster.

he did say things that hurt me at the end but feel he's out of control of his life. He said he wants to be alone with no relationship and happy just him and his dog. I feel he's lashed out and not coping. Sent text Tuesday and said I do want to be there. He replied and said thanks your right I'm flat out. Just need advice if I be there or not. Is he depressed and lashed out? Do I be there

[Taylah75]

Ha ha love that about the TV,

thanks so much. I did take today off work so I just processed everything. I do 000 ambulance so my head space wasn't in it today. All good went to the DR.

tough job at times when things going on. Back at work tommorrow and Saturday then off to NSW for 8 days on a road trip with my son.

yes it is like an addiction. I have my son most of the time and he is good strength to me. It's good to know you are here. I have good friends etc.

NO CONTACT now is the only way!!!!

[pipsy]

Take care of yourself and your son. It was lovely to have 'chatted' with you. I'm glad I was able to be of assistance when you needed it. Have a wonderful, safe, happy Christmas/New Year. If you need to talk any time, I'm here. I'm not going away, I have my g'son here. He has to work, my son and DIL have gone away till after New Year. G'mother's have their uses, I'm discovering. Enjoy your son, love yourself.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Thank you for your help,

merry christmas to you and your family. If I feel confusion I will message here thanks again.

[Taylah75]

Hi again,

after sitting back and thinking I feel he has narcisstic traits.... non emotional, validation, control, OCD, drinks quite a bit, doesn't take responsibility for his actions etc...

so I've been better.... knowing that the girl doesn't interest him he has no supply. He has text me today asking if work is busy?

Mmmmmm it's hard not to reply I haven't at this stage...

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. Have you ever googled Narcissism. There are several traits to the personality. I suggest you 'block' him. If he is on your fb, there is a 'box' at the top right where it says 'messages' etc. To the right of that, there appears a 'padlock' symbol. If you 'click' on that and scroll down, you will see a list of names you can delete. I realize you still have feeling but remember his feelings are self motivated. You're right about this other girl, she may validate him for a while, but she will soon tire and he will then come back to you. He needs to realize you have a life and he needs to find his own. As far as the OCD side of it, there are others posting who have more knowledge and can help more. If you weaken, he has you right where he wants you and you will never free yourself. You can do 100% better, you deserve 100% commitment which he can't give.

Lynda

[loouuiiee]

Dear Taylah75, I really feel for you & I just want to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do not have much experience with these sorts of things; I am only young, have only been in a few relationships & I don't have any children of my own, but I would like to say that I'm very proud of you for staying so strong.

I'm sure you are a fantastic mother & you are setting a great example for your son in staying calm and logical through this difficult time. You should be very proud of yourself!

You and your son deserve to have a very merry Christmas and a fantastic new year.. I hope things improve for you soon. best wishes 🙂 xoxo

[Taylah75]

Hi again,

the messages indicated that she wasn't interested. So between Wednesday when I saw him and today I'm assuming he can't get anything from her. Hence why he text me today. It's been hard but I haven't responded.

do people like this keep bothering you. After Wednesday night and he lied then messages today asking "work busy?" Seriously. It's been hard but haven't responded back at all

He told me his son was lonely which yep he is. Wanted to give a neighbours son $10 for playing with his son.... um not quite the norm?

[Taylah75]

He isn't one that uses FB often and he is not my friend on there anyway.

I sure have googled narcissism. It's really bizarre when my friend was getting worse dying with cancer I was needing him more. Emotional and he couldn't deal with it.!

[pipsy]

Dear Taylah. He still needs the build-up which is why he is still contacting you. He is unable to emotionally support you as that is not him. My ex is a bit like that. He needs the constant 'wonderful son' build-up his parents give him. My ex wasn't narcissist but he was shallow in that when I needed him, he couldn't 'be there'. It's possible this other girl your bf has met needs the same validation he does. He can't validate her as he needs the same thing, he can't afford to get emotionally involved either. For him to build her, he would have to 'step out' of his comfort zone. My ex frequently told me how wonderful he was, my reply was that if he was that wonderful he wouldn't need to remind me. People don't 'bother' me at all. I accept people need help, if I can help them I will. Everyone has needs, some more than others. Because I'm not emotionally involved with them, helping them means I give back what I received when I needed help and support. My ex, I have ignored as he hurt me with the treatment I received. Because I had feelings for him, he was able to hurt me. I have lost all feeling for my ex, but I have no wish to hear from him either. If I allow him back, I get hurt again and down I go. Even though I have no feeling, he still knows the right buttons to push. I won't allow him to hurt me ever. Protecting yourself is important.

Lynda

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. Hope today finds you well and happy. My ex was similar to your ex in the narc traits. My ex was shallow which is the Waif trait. My ex has many of his mother's personality traits, although she was cruel in her treatment of in-law children. The constant need for praise and build up is the Waif trait and is part and parcel of the belief they need constant proof of their worth. It is exhausting and the need to be careful of what you say is wearying. My ex FIL is the original male chauvinist, so put the Waif together with the chauvinist, how they are still married is beyond my knowledge.

The male chauvinist frequently tells anybody who will listen that 'women can't be trusted with secrets'. The Waif plays the victim and needs to be told she 'will learn'.

Lynda