Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

[Taylah75]

I was in a 2yr relationship until 10 days ago.

In brief. He split from his marriage 3 months before we met me, his ex wife had affair with mate.

we both have kids & introduced them at the start they didn't get along and then they did. We didn't see each other much during week as I have son 12 out of 14 days and he has his one week on one week off. There was never any pressure on living with each other. We both accepted that could be something down the track when boys older. Two different kids etc. We had fun, good friendship, there for each other and on a physical level very well connected. We text and spoke every day. The last few months both had a bit going on. My friend was dying of cancer and I was there for her through her journey. Visited her in QLD. Etc and organised a wake for her in Melbourne. My boyfriend about 3 weeks ago purchased a property with large mortgage, had issues with his son and having issues with work meaning job on the line. He's been in his job only 10 weeks.

Since the purchase of his property I noticed changes which was only the past four weeks. He was becoming more angry towards me which wasn't like him to be so angry, he was putting me down about my job etc I said what is wrong with you. My head was spinning out of control. I said what is going on. He then said he can't deal with my son, doesn't want him around. I felt really hurt. He hadn't seen him for about two months.

after another chat with him on Friday just gone, Nothing was mentioned about My son. He said he hates Melbourne and people here, has done it again meaning he owns something that now owns him his mortgage. Issues with job, said initially he didn't want kids and is not enjoying having his son one week on and one week off due to son not listening or doing anything. His mum not helping or supporting him at all.

He likes control within his home

environment, doesn't like change, he is a home body and creature of habit. He gave me a hug when I left and wouldn't let me go. Sent text saying I love him and he text and said he feels like a monster.

he did say things that hurt me at the end but feel he's out of control of his life. He said he wants to be alone with no relationship and happy just him and his dog. I feel he's lashed out and not coping. Sent text Tuesday and said I do want to be there. He replied and said thanks your right I'm flat out. Just need advice if I be there or not. Is he depressed and lashed out? Do I be there

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. I agree with your mates on this issue. Your bf will text you as and when he is ready to. He knows you love him and will be there for him. I know it's hard on you, this is where you need to focus on you. Do you have people you can 'chill out' with? If he messages and he is feeling low, he could say something unintentionally to hurt you. It's better when you're not feeling well, to not talk rather than say something hurtful. The saying 'no news is good news' comes into it's own here. In other words if he feels bad, it's not a good time to talk, if he's feeling great he will chat. No news means just that: nothing to say, no changes.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Yes I have good friends to support me and do things to keep busy.

I actually rang him this morning and he answered so just said I'm ringing to see how you are. We just chatted about our weeks.

asked what he was doing Xmas day and he said he's got options although can't be bothered doing anything.

I was going to put something out there to him for Christmas Day but thought at this stage I would leave it.

i then suggested that I don't have my son this week if he wanted to do dinner or something. He sounds pretty vulnerable.

I just said I do care about you and then he said I do care too.

just said to him the offer is there and he said he would let me know during the week

so hopefully he does

[Taylah75]

Hi again,

if he doesn't respond as per above do I just leave it now, or if he doesn't respond about dinner this week do I call him Thursday or Friday or leave it

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. He is making your life quite miserable, you seem to be the one reaching out all the time. His depression is making it difficult to focus on anything at the moment. I'm honestly wondering if he really is worth the effort you appear to be making. Sorry, but you really need to leave him be. He knows you're there, he will call when he's ready. I think for you to keep calling him, you could actually drive him away as he could get a bit nasty if he thinks he is under pressure to keep contacting you. I know it's hard, you honestly care for him, he is just not ready to connect with anyone at this time. I kind of feel you need to try to make your own plans and put him on the 'back burner' for now. You don't actually have a relationship at this time. If he does contact you, I would refrain from asking him anything about his plans. I would be inclined to just say 'hi, hope all is going okay for you' and leave it there. I do understand how frustrating it is for you, but the more you push him, the more he will back away.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Ok, I guess your right.

ive put it out there for him. So guess I just have to let it go for now. It does hurt. I guess he didn't shut me out when he answered the phone to me.

is it worth sending a merry Christmas text or just leave it?

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. I'm so sorry for you, you sound so lost and alone in this. It wouldn't hurt to send a quick, 'thinking of you, merry Xmas' text. I would just sign it love, Taylah. If he chooses to answer in a similar fashion, 'merry Xmas to you too', leave it at that. Perhaps once Xmas is over, he might start feeling better. Quite often Xmas can bring out depression, people feel more vulnerable and lost over the period. Even married couples get overwhelmed with Xmas and all the emotions that seem to accompany it.

I'm experiencing similar problems with my bf atm. I sort of feel I'm being 'shut out' too. I just have to accept he is struggling with his emotions and wait till he feels better. I understand what his problems are, but like you, I have to be patient and just get on with my life.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Yes I guess, I do feel a bit lost with it all and alone a little. I'm ok though up and down. I know he is the one that initially ended it. I guess I don't want him out of my life, that comes to my insecurities as I've lost a few people the past few years.

i just hope he contacts me that's ideally what I want. I will live my life just feel anxious because it's the not knowing feeling.

yes Christmas is a hard time. Hope your BF comes around too....

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. Sometimes we cling rather than face what is there. I'm sure with my bf, he will 'come round'. He is struggling a bit with an emotional turmoil. I'm equally sure your bf will get in touch once he feels better. Depression is quite a powerful negative emotion and when it hits, it is quite unmerciful. The emotion leaves you feeling like a wrung out dishmop and sometimes the need for sleep is overpowering too. If your bf does decide to end it, there is a couple of things you could do. One would be to respect his wishes and leave him alone, the other is to let him know you are there when he's ready. If he decides to finish, it could be his emotional turmoil is such that he could feel guilty about 'dragging you down' to his level. At the same time, however, I wouldn't let him use you just as a sounding board alone. If he just contacts you to 'bounce ideas off', I would be inclined to let him know you have feelings too and you are not going to be used and 'dumped'. That would be totally disrespectful and would hurt you more.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Initially he did end it as he thought something should be said.

then said he wanted me to come up with solutions etc. when it ended I dropped his stuff which he said he wasn't in a hurry for it to get back. That's when he gave me the mixed messages about me enjoying myself and didn't want me to go to over 28's as I do enjoy getting out and he knows that potentially I may do that. I just felt he didn't want to end it. Then looking from the outside I thought with all that was going on he isn't in a good place. then looking at things he had said like I hate Melbourne, I hate people don't trust anyone etc. I asked if he trusted me and he said he did. So initially I felt he didn't really want to end things he just isn't coping

[Taylah75]

He also said you have my number and I have yours. I did say if you change your mind I'm here. After seeing that I think is depressed is when I said I do want to be there.

just to give an opputunity for another face to face chat if he is ok to advise him to get help at dr only if time right of course