Shopping addiction and separation of finance

[77Rose]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and together for 17 years. We have always been very supportive of each other and worked together as team , as we both have children from previous relationships ( children are now young adults , with the older 2 living out of home ). 
I have always struggled with a shopping addiction on and off and this something my husband and I have discussed over the years , especially when my spending would become excessive . I would acknowledge his concerns and we would talk through it and I would make a conscious effort to be more cautious of my spending habits . 
Iam also someone who is generous with money and doesn’t mind helping people out here and there . However , my husband is very frugal with money and doesn’t like to spend anything . 
So about 6 months ago he was upset with my spending and gave me an ultimatum stop spending or divorce. Just to clarify the money I spent that he was upset over was for my son’s high school graduation and my uni graduation, not a normal “ spending spree “. Any over the next 3-4 months I knuckled down , I didn’t spend a dollar unless it was for was bill not even a take away coffee . So some time had pasted and I ended up spending $50 buy some clothes . I felt terrible coming home and had so much anxiety. What will my husband say , he will be angry ? . He wasn’t . 
(In between this I should add that on weekend away visiting friends he was discussing with them selling our house and buy a farm . This is something that he had never spoken to me about before and I was very upset and angry overhearing him talk to friends about it . And also because he knows that iam not fond of farms so I would not be keen on this.)

So my husband suggested that we separate our finances because he doesn’t want me to feel anxiety over buying myself something . We separated finances . 
Now this has left me in the position where I have more weekly expenses then my husband as when his bills were all due we paid for them on yearly basis before we separated finances and opted to pay mine fortnightly as they were all due at the same time and we couldn’t afford to pay both . Furthermore to this I work as a support worker so I have no holiday or sick pay . This now puts me in a position where I’m working over 60-80hours a week to secure my finances as I need to ensure that I have enough income to pay my bills and save in the event of if I get ill or have no work. 
Iam absolutely exhausted at home and work , iv became so miserable that I don’t even see the point in going on . I no longer have a husband that I can depend on , rely on. I feel like he has broken my trust in away. We cook separately, do house work separately and I really don’t see a point . I ask him if his happy with how things are and he says yes . It seems like he doesn’t seem to care of the extra burden this put on. I asked him to come to marriage counseling with me and he told me I was the one that needed to go not him. 
His asked if I want to re-join finances but I feel that at this point I have worked so much , so many hours to save what I have . I also know that I have saved more money than what he has and don’t think this is fair. I also feel like I simply don’t want to because of how much stress and anxiety it has caused me.

At the moment when I assess my finances, financial I would be better off we sold our house and separated .however , after being together for 17 years since I was 21 years old it’s hard . He was supposed to be my bestfriend and we have been through so much together. 
feeling , lost , miserable, broken and exhausted . 
Any thoughts or advice?

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, a place where you might find other perspectives on your troubles.

You certainly cannot go on working the hours you do permanently, it is simply too much and you need a way to reduce them.

Perhaps you have two problems, the first being finances. These of course do not need to be quite black and white. keeping an account of your own though pooling an agreed amount of earnings may  be one way out with careful planning.

The main problem seems to be that your husband does not seem to either consult you on major matters but also does not react when seeing you in difficult circumstances.

Your proposed solution, sell up and separate is certainly logical and may well get you out of financial hassles, however it is just that - logical. Looking back over your 17 years do you think there is still affection and concern between you? If so I would think it might be something worth nurturing.

I know you have already suggested counceling, perhaps if you were to mention it more strongly it might be worth while. A third person can sometimes make a people see things more clearly. Pointing out you are even thinking of separation -though you don't want to is one possible means that might persuade him -your judgment needed here.

Is there anyone else who might be helpful in getting to see counceling can be a good tactic?

I'd suggest Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 as a good alternative. If they do not have an office near you thay may be able ot suggest somewhere else.

Incidentally if bitten by the shopping bug may I suggest thrift stores, St Vinnies etc?  There you will find an amazing assortment of goods, very cheap prices and each purchase does some good.

I f you felt like it I would welcome your return here

Croix

[77Rose]

I’m trying for the counseling and hope that he will actively participate in the session. 
Im already feeling the burden of working non- stop, it’s taking at toll. I’m normally a calm , patient and logical person but lately not so much. 
I think I have my shopping addiction under control now . Separating finances has taught me to be more mindful and focused on saving , basically it’s given me no option I need to secure my future with or without my husband . 
Op- shops are a great idea but my vice is all done online , it was due to convenience as working hours were still quite high prior. 
thank you for your reply and input . 

[therising]

Hi 77Rose

My heart goes out to you while you feel yourself and your husband gradually separating in certain ways. A sense of heartbreak and disappointment is understandable.

While a lack of money used to torment me horribly on occasion, while also messing with my nervous system, I was forced to change the way I saw money. While seeing it now as 'A provider of opportunity', the questions are more so along the lines of

• How many or what kinds of opportunities can I/we afford (as an individual or as a family)?
• How do I/we need to manage different types of opportunities? Opportunities for personal gain may be found in one bank account. The opportunity for a warm shower at night with the lights on (gas, water and electricity payments) may come from a different bank account. The opportunity to save for a family holiday could come from a 3rd and so on. Pigeon holing things in the form of bank accounts could be one way to manage. Who contributes to which pigeon hole (us, our partner, both or other members of the family) becomes the question
• What do all the opportunities look like in black and white? A budget that makes it all completely clear

Do you think your husband's mention of the farm was wishful thinking (expressing his dream to people), as opposed to it being a solid plan for the future? What does he imagine it's going to look like? Could it be an unrealistic view, where a different view (somewhat tweaked) could serve the both of you? I say this when I consider my brother who recently retired. He and his wife bought a house with a large back yard, some months ago. In the back yard are 3 chickens, fruit trees, a vegetable garden, a bee hive and a number of others things. Does your husband's dream involve becoming self sufficient to some degree or does it involve acres and acres of land that requires a lot of hard work and time to maintain? Could being suburban farmers actually be more affordable financially and time wise? What would you dream of when considering a small farm (where you farm your own eggs, vegetables, fruit and maybe even honey)?

If you're finding little opportunity for life outside of work, based on there being little time for things other than sleeping and cleaning, it's important you both come back to the table with a new plan. This one's definitely not working and is not only going to impact your mental well-being but your physical well-being also.

From my own experience, I've found it can't hurt to go to marriage counseling on your own. I did this myself many years back, when my husband refused to attend. I learned so much about myself and my relationship. Any form of enlightenment holds the potential to not leave us feeling lost and alone in the dark. Whether we gain such light on our own or with our partner doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that we gain it. ❤️