Sexless Marriage

Smurf123

I don’t know how to start this. Never posted before and after reading a few conversations similar to my situation I’m thinking, maybe it’s not so bad… or is it more… I don’t want it to get that bad.
my husband and I have been married for 10 years and we’re only in our mid 30’s. Early on in our relationship I felt a little rejected because my husband had a lower libido and only wanted sex once or twice a week. I had never experienced this and always wanted more but I adjusted my expectations because I loved him.
slowly but surely it became once or twice a fortnight, then once or twice a month. More recently, he struggled with keeping an erection up. So it became once every few months.

we sought help from a marriage therapist and she sort of helped but he didn’t want to go after 3 sessions.
things got slightly better but only for a short period of time. He knows how I feel and I’ve made it clear more than enough times to count.

the reason I’m here is because this week just gone I once again made it clear I wanted sex and kind of teased around over a couple of days. Last night at the end of our alternating work week we finally had some time together but he got short and grumpy with our little one, huffed and puffed moping around (which is an instant turn off for me) and then said he has a sore stomach.
I went to bed early and he acted shocked as to why. I cried for hours on and off throughout the night. I feel so rejected.

I’ve lost weight for him. I’ve been training at the gym for a year and improved by figure. I wear lingerie for him and still nothing feels like it’s enough. I don’t know if I want my life to be like this. I envisioned my life to be filled with laughter, fun and wild sex. Maybe I shouldn’t have lowered my expectations early on. Maybe if we weren’t compatible there it never should have happened. It’s just so hard when you fall in love.
I don’t know what I’m asking here. I think I just needed to vent.

Croix

Dear Smurf123~

Welcome here to the Forum. As you have already seen other people have had similar problems, perhaps lookng to see how they coped might help.

It must be a very frustrating and emotional itme for you, and feeling neglected or rejected a very natural reaction. Also to have your expectations of a happy and fulfilling intimate life not met terribly disappointing, even worrying.

I guess the first thing to say is the different people have different libidos, sometimes it is just the way they are. However this can also be for a variety of other reasons as I've found out. Some of the influencing factors may be physical, so if you have not done so already suggest to your husband he gets a complete checkup which a specific focus on this problem.

Tiredness or stress makes for lack of libido and not feelng as enthusiastic as one's partner or failing to perform can be a a loop, with unhappy results leading to feelings of failure, guilt and worry about the next time. All that worry feeds on itself, maybe making a person reluctant to try. Then again it might be an unhappy event when he was younger.

You have tried a lot to make thngs more equal but it simply got worse. Perhaps if you were able to talk with him about why he wanted to stop after three sessions that might throw some light on the matter. As an example those sessions might have made him feel guilty or inadequate, unpleasant feelings he may have either made him discouraged or simply not want to keep on feeling bad.

There have been times when due to surgery, specific medications or stress I've not been capable of intimacy or not wanted it with a non existent libido, and this made me feel guilty and as a result I wanted to avoid the subject.

I would suggest if you can both understand why things are not more even that will hopefully make you feel less rejected and may even improve matters. While I'd suggest a third party (i.e. a counselor) could be helpful perhaps it might be a question of looking at other things apart from the intimacy/marriage, but his life in general.

If you are struggling with this all by yourself I'd think you really need support for yourself (your husband might too depending on the reasons). So if you have a particular family member or friend you felt you could take into your confidence you might find that helps. They do not have to do anything but listen and care.

You know you will always be welcome here

Croix

Flowtoserenity

Hi, if you dont mind me, I'd like to add a thought for you and a caring one, with all respect. So I see confusion, some stress and maybe missing of understanding too. I guess a balance where you are both happy would be awesome. So I see pressure is no sex and loving fun is more right. Loving ur partner is like words cant describe as love is too wonderful. Maybe ur partner loves you too. Sex is more fun when you feel respected and loved as one creating an exciting collaborative life together. To open your heart toward the true feeling of love and respect given to you, will allow you to feel the true 3D love that can be given and exchanged. We all have our flow and timing so maybe some dance and rythm haha. Remember you are priceless too. Just my thoughts only ok.

therising

Hi Smurf123

Sex is definitely an emotional thing that requires energy in motion (e-motion). Whether it's the right amount of chemical energy that's not in motion or it's more so a natural kind of energy (without identifying all the chemistry involved), it always pays to wonder why the energy's not there. There can be an enormous amount of reasons. Perhaps the most important one to investigate involves whether there are blood circulation issues. Vascular issues are a whole other serious factor. Once that's out of the way, you can be free to wonder about less serious issues.

Mentally, it can be about what it means to someone. Are there certain beliefs about it? Is there some shame or underlying trauma relating to it? How does someone identify themself through sex? Do they see themself as no good or hopeless? Are they perceiving sex in limited ways? Is it just that thing they do or can they see it as a form of fun or stress release or a way of working up the energy in their body to excitement for 5 minutes or can it be seen as a zen like experience over a period of an hour or so? Do they need to change what it means to them or address unresolved issues about it?

Physically, beyond vascular issues, there are so many interactive energy systems within the body that rely on a whole stack of chemical reactions. The question can involve 'Is there a deficiency somewhere?'. In the endocrine system, is there a testosterone deficiency? Could high cortisol levels be interfering with testosterone production? In the brain, is there a dopamine deficiency? Is there a sleep related deficiency that can point to something like 'sleep apnea and sexual dysfunction', for example? The list goes on.

Naturally, let's just call it 'energy'. What kind of energetic connection do we have with our partner? Are we feeling the vibe or not? Does every vibrating cell in our body suddenly increase in vibration when we're in their presence (bit of quantum physics there😁)? If we were to name the energy that runs through that two way channel or connection, are they on the same wavelength? While our partner's emotion is being channeled as excitement, is ours coming through as dread? While they're in an energetic state of insecurity, fear, instability and exhaustion, are we in a state of self love, confidence and a level of hyperactivity we can seriously feel? Are we in a state of grief, a low energy state, while they're in a high state of enthusiasm for life?

Can a person's state of energy be altered? Absolutely. Whether it's mentally altered, physically/chemically altered or naturally altered, the question remains 'What's the underlying reason for it?'. Seeing different reasons/causes will be treated in different ways, it definitely pays to find the exact reason or cause otherwise it can go untreated. Considering all the possible reasons together can offer an energetic and enthusiastic shared sense of wonder. You both want to solve the mystery. On the other hand, when a partner says 'I don't want to think about it or talk about it' we can be left wondering alone. This might be a call to channel the detective in you.

Smurf123

Thank you Croix, Flowtoserenity and Therising.
What profound and unexpected responses you have given me.
I think coming out of my extreme emotional state I have a little more perspective and your answers have also truly helped me look a little deeper.

I didn’t want to write too much yesterday but as a child he didn’t receive much familial love. His parents were very distant and strict. Complete opposite to mine.
he does have a lot of stressers with ill family members and I know he is not happy with his weight but also doesn’t do much about that.
Yes he does take medication and during our pregnancy issues he was identified as having a low count so I assume some testosterone issues.

in terms of practical, I will ask him to seek medical advice and get things checked. I appreciate those suggestions as it wasn’t something I had considered.

when we sought help from a therapist a lot of the focus was on him and I assume that’s where the reluctance came from. He mentioned how unnatural it felt speaking about his emotions, that the inability to perform did become more mental as time went on. The fear of it made it spiral.

As for love, I do believe he truly loves me as I him. We connect in so many other ways. We seek each others touch and lay on one another often. We share similar interests, we enjoy spending time together. I feel as though these areas of our friendship, our love, our parenting and home making are good, if not great. I think that’s why it’s harder for me to comprehend the current issue.

As for the more spiritual/physics side of it. I used to feel those vibrations, the rhythm in our connection, the knowing of him being close by, the unspoken. Unfortunately I feel that less and less these days. A slight disconnect between us. Thinking about it, that may be the reason I could be feeling so rejected. It could be that the only time I feel this way is when we are having sex. Being that close and finding that higher form of connection.

There’s a lot of work we need to do and I pray we can mend it.

I thank you again for helping me view this from varying perspectives.

I wish you all well

Croix

Dear Smurf123~

I think the most important thing you said in your post was that you believed he loved you and you loved him. That you get on well and do take pleasure from each other. You have so much in your family life and if you can work together you may both feel happier and closer, irrespective of sex frequency.

Having this issue divide you would be a great shame for all three of you.

You have mentioned a lot of possible reasons, including at least one medical reason, and stress and a overly strict parents. It really does look like multiple reasons have come together to make sex difficult or impossible for him.

This of course as you know feeds on itself and things get worse as a result. In counseling while it is a very obvious thing to concentrate on him I'm not sure that approach would do more than make him shy away - as he may think it is his failure anyway.

if equal time was spend on why you feel rejected when so many other things are going well maybe that could make for a balance.

Then again he might benefit from counceling by himself, it would probably be less pressure for him. I can recommend Relationships Australia as an excellent place. If you were to contact them and they were not in your area I expect they could let you know of somewhere that is.

In the times I mentioned in my first answer counceling did help though it was hard to go, as in part that did emphasize to me that I needed help

Croix