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Seperated & confused

Ariel_84
Community Member
I have recently seperated from my husband.. manipulative mother inlaw who did everything in her power to destroy my marriage & won.. she was toxic for my 4 year old daughter & manipulated her any chance she could.. husband is a mummys boy.. he never defended my daughter or I & let us both be emotionally, verbally & psychologically abused by her.. he ignored it & made excuses for her.. the problem is that he did the same to my daughter & I.. we also have a 7 month baby.. husband left the home a few days ago.. ignored all responsibilities & doesn't seem to care for anyone but his mother.. My daughter is very angry at her dad & doesn't ever want to see her dad again. He phoned me earlier & she started screaming for me to get off the phone to him & tell him to stay away.. He is as toxic as his mother.. I know that he is my daughters father but he has never really been involved in her life.. he's a tv dad as she calls him.. he's never given me much support.. I feel like I've been a single mum for years doing everything myself.. I've always been strong willed & I've managed.. but now I'm really hurting.. I know everything will be ok & I'll enjoy my life with my girls.. I think I'm afraid to do it on my own.. or maybe I'm just having a bad day!
3 Replies 3

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Ariel. I'm so sorry you're still having problems with MIL and hubby. The reaction from your daughter is quite understandable given she possibly remembers the arguments between you and hubby. It might be and idea to try to explain to your daughter that you need to sometimes talk to her dad to sort certain things out. I would suggest your daughter needs to know her dad can't hurt her, never would. Try explaining that her dad does love her, and her anger and hurt are understandable, but perhaps she should not be around when you're trying to talk to her dad. Maybe next time you're talking to hubby, suggest to your daughter that she play in her room till you're finished. I do understand your predicament i.e toxic MIL, unsupportive hubby where MIL is concerned, but having your daughter scream and tell you not to talk to him because she's angry is not helping the situation. Has she seen her dad since you parted? Perhaps a visit with him might help defuse the situation a bit. Once she sees her dad loves her and would never hurt her, it might settle her down a bit.

Lynda.

Ariel_84
Community Member

My daughter is angry with her dad for not believing her & siding with his mother.. it never helped when he told her he thought she misunderstood what she heard her mother say even though I witnessed most incidences.. there were at least 20 different incidences. My daughter doesn't trust her dad because he never believed her.. he says he loves her but doesn't has show her with his actions.. she's also fearful of him as she has been exposed to that nasty side of him using ice the snappiness & mood swings. Before he left home she banned him from going into her room even making signs because he kept on stealing her money from her piggy bank (sickens me to my core) .. I tell her that her dad loves her she gets her hopes up & then she gets shattered.. he left home because she kept on screaming at him to leave while kicking his feet.. He kept on blaming me & our daughter for ruining his family & we had enough.. seeing my daughter react that way was the final straw for her & for me..

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Ariel. I really feel for you with this problem. Having hubby use ice is bad enough, but to use in front of a child is totally unacceptable. I must admit stealing from a child for any reason is also low. I think your best course of action is to make sure your daughter is distracted when you're talking to her father. I realise it's difficult, you don't know when your ex is going to call, but could you make some sort of arrangement that he rings at certain times. If he doesn't keep to the agreement, it might be an idea to just say to him that it's not convenient to talk and could he phone back. Make a time when you can talk and make sure he understands that if he's been 'using', there will be no conversation. If you do this a few times when he tries to 'call your bluff' he will soon realise you mean what you say. Sometimes just telling someone you won't talk if they're 'under the influence' isn't enough. They need to know it's not acceptable, and quite often the only way to do this is hang up when they call. It sounds drastic, but I don't see you have any other recourse. He no longer lives there, he has to meet you halfway.

It's a difficult, volatile situation, but hopefully, you can reach a suitable compromise.

Lynda.