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Separation : Should I give it another go or should I move on ?

Kurgans
Community Member

I never posted about my problems but I do feel that I have to talk.

I always had 2 jobs. I have a diploma, but I never been to University. 3 years ago I decided to change career as I was unhappy with my current work. I started an apprenticeship. I got married, we built a house together with my wife. I have been with my wife for 10 years before we split up.

My wife and I separated 7 months ago, due to the fact that I lost my job and was unemployed for 4 months. She reproached me to be not responsible enough and to be not proactive enough ( which I was... at some point I had barely the will to go on, I was feeling like I was rotting away and that I could not move forward any more.)

Every night she would come home from work I was very anxious about how she would react about the fact that I did not find any jobs or that I was not successful in an interview. I dreaded that fact that if she was not satisfied, she would explode and start making a scene, insult me and diminish me. (She did this quiet frequently when things didn't go the way she wanted). So I started lying ( I shouldn't have really) about how I was doing in order to avoid a scene. The truth eventually cough up with me, and made things far worse. I felt like I was in a dead-end, with no way out. I was not making any money, I was losing my wife and the bills accumulated. One day during an argument she told me that she refuse to support a parasite, and that I was not man enough, that I should be providing for my wife, not the other way around. (She works as a lawyer)

So in the end I could not pay my share of the mortgage, she refused to cover my half, she was complaining that she was feeding me.

She was not always like this, I think I made her become like this because I was too nonchalant about the money issue.

Now I do manage my life better, I am in the process of joining the Navy (dream career for me) I do eat again, I can sleep a bit more than before (4-6h a night).

I think she was dating someone else, I believe she was dumped but that she might be in love with the other guy. But she is considering taking me back if I can prove that I am more responsible, that I can take better care of my affairs, and that I need to show more initiative for suggesting activities.

I do want to work things out with her, but I think that she doesn't really care for me, and that she as someone else in mind ...and that is killing me... because despite everything I do love her.

5 Replies 5

Zeal
Community Member

Hi Kurgans,

Being unemployed is tough, and 4 months off work is not as bad as it could have been. It sounds like you were really trying to find a job, but were struggling with your mental health. Have you seen your doctor about the difficulties you faced during this time? Doctors are able to help with far more than physical ailments, and you may need further help. As you're in the process of joining the Navy, ensuring you inquire about your mental health with your doctor is crucial. It's great you are pursuing something you are passionate about. That's fantastic!

It sounds as though your wife had a tendency to be harsh and pass judgement before looking further into what's going on. As I don't know you or your wife and are talking to you online, I can't say this with certainty. Only you will be able to tell. If you truly feel as though she may not care about you anymore, trying to reignite a relationship is probably not a good idea, especially if there is someone else involved.

In a loving relationship, it's important that each person is there for the other, even when times are tough and one person may not be handling things in life well. Being more in-control of your affairs is great, but it isn't fair if you are expected to be perfectly in control in order to warrant acceptance and affection. If you do truly love her still (not the idea of a relationship with her like it used to be), then I think it is important for you to see if she reciprocates this love. I hope I haven't confused you more! This is my opinion, so it is important that you do what feels right for you, while respecting and being aware of your ex-wife's feelings, which I know you would do 🙂

I hope things work out well 🙂 Please post back again if you would like to.

Best wishes,

SM

Dear Kurgans

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry that you are in such a pickle. It's bad enough having depression and coping with a broken marriage is also a bad place to be.

I have to say I am more than disappointed on your behalf that your wife chose this time to be unsupportive. (Is that a word?). Your wife is demonstrably a clever woman. You have no children I gather. So why the attacks on you for being unemployed? I suspect you are correct and she was involved with another man. Your lack of employment was an excuse to force a separation. So do not feel guilty being out of work. As SM has remarked, four months out of work is not long these days.

Where two people genuinely love each other, your situation should not trigger such anger from her.

You have learned to take care of yourself, which is great. So now you do not need to depend on her. I hesitate to give my view of the matter because it may influence you to do something you may later regret. This really needs to be your decision.

I see no mention of you receiving any therapy for your depression, is this the case? I ask because this is a good place to talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings. If you are taking any antidepressants I presume you visit your GP fairly regularly. Why not talk about this issue and a good way to handle it. Ask if he/she thinks that talking to a psychologist is a good idea. You may find having some chats with your GP will help you come to a conclusion that is right for you. GPs can be very good at this. My GP is fantastic at this sort of thing.

I want to echo SM's comment about expecting you to be completely in control. It's completely unreal. No one can do that unless that person is a complete control freak, and even then life has a habit of upsetting things.

If you want to reconcile take a good look at yourself and your wife. Not as you used to be, but as both of you are now. Do you think you are compatible? If you get together will you return to your previous dependency days? How will this affect your navy career? Will you be at home a lot, or away from home?

Would you please think about these questions and those from SM. We would very much like you to continue writing in here.

Mary

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Kurgans said:

I do want to work things out with her, but I think that she doesn't really care for me

Hello Kurgans, great advice above from Mary and SM. I will only add this: everything you need to know to answer your question is contained in your own words quoted. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't care for you? Don't let your dream of how it could be get confused with the reality of the situation.

Thank you for your replies, it really means a lot.

To answer your question, I did not get treated for depression nor went to see any GP or Psychologist (well mainly due to the lack funds really...). I did however took a few test on-line and was diagnose with depression ranging for moderate to severe ( but i am not too sure on how accurate those on-line things are...). But I do am a lot better now and I think going on anti-depressant would be an overkill.

I do, however, feel like that I need to "empty my bag", so to speak.

There is something to be added on the story: My wife came in Australia as a refugee, after 9 years of war. She does have issues with insecurity (specially financial). She did live with her parents until 29 years old to finish her studies without the financial pressure of having to move in with me or on her own. She started feeling dissociate about a year before we separated due to physical illness(I tried my best to look after her at that time, but I could not provide much financial help at the time). She was later one prescribed with anti-depressant that relieved her a some of the symptoms. At that time I felt like she became a lot harsher than what she used to be.

I also do blame myself for the failure of the marriage: Before we got married we did have some issues, and at that time I was working in the security industry (nightclubs etc...) to pay for my rent ( I was living by myself) and studies. I did corresponded a few time with an attractive lady but didn't end up going through seeing her at all, I forgot about the correspondence until my wife found it and confronted me about it. (I am not a Saint) I do believe that the relationship was destroyed at that point, despise the fact that she tried to forgive me. (She does bring back this episode often, calling me a cheater... can't blame her..). I also did pressure her to come and see me in France after she tried to postpone her visit to the following year (I travelled to Perth 4 or 5 times when she would have only made the trip once. So I found that my action was justified, and that left a mark)

So this is why I blame myself for not being man enough to make this marriage work.

To reply to JessF, I am not sure if she does care for me or not, it is hard to tell with her, if her feelings were clear, I don't think I would be so torn as per the direction to take.

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Kurgans said:

To reply to JessF, I am not sure if she does care for me or not, it is hard to tell with her, if her feelings were clear, I don't think I would be so torn as per the direction to take.

This in itself is, I feel, a warning sign. It feels from your posts as if you are trying to excuse all of these warning signs.

She explodes at you, insults you, diminishes you... but she has come from a difficult background.

She constantly brings up past indiscretions... but she did try to forgive you.

She hasn't made much of an effort to keep the relationship going when you were living apart... but you did put pressure on her to do so.

I think it would be a good idea to have a think about why you are so desperate for this to work. Do you feel a need to rescue this woman? Redeem past sins by winning her over? Restore your feelings of manhood? Are these really solid foundations on which to build a happy marriage?