Separation looming? Lost, Upset and Confused

[ABoot]

Hi all

At this point in time I have been battling the last 24hrs with a range of emotions that have me thinking rationally one minute and devastated the next.

My wife of 2 years (been together 8.5 years) has said to me that she can no longer let her guilt of not loving me like she should get to her causing her anxiety and stress and has said that she has had enough and wants to separate.

As you can imagine I am extremely distraught and we also have an 8 week old baby girl which I get even more emotional about due to the fact that more than anything else in this world I love her so much and cant stand the thought of not having her in my life every day.

Our relationship has been dull since about April this year when she spoke about the same things to me, more about some behavioural traits I had and how she was not 100% convinced I would good when our baby was born. I took this pretty hard and went on the hard road of seeking help and acknowledging I had some issues. Since then have made huge improvements and she has even said that I am the perfect person that I needed to become, however Its not about that its about the fact that she has lost all spark in life and says that she is "numb" and when she looks at me she feels nothing. Which is upsetting.

she has agreed to couples counseling but I am afraid her outlook is set and it may be in vain. I can not let my family go and its tearing me apart. I love both my wife and baby more than anything else and can't see why she isnt trying the same way I am.

Any help would be appreciated.

[Birdy77]

Dear ABoot,

I am so very sorry to hear of the incredibly painful place you are in right now. It must feel terribly frightening having the prospect of your world being tipped upside down.

I am so glad you've come here for some extra support during this time.

The thing that stands out for me, reading your post is that it sounds like your wife could be depressed.

The fact that she said she feels "numb" and "lost all spark in life" speaks to this. The fact that you have a tiny bubba in the mix makes me wonder if she may also have postnatal depression?

If she does, that makes this about a lot more than just your relationship.

To me, from what you have said here, it feels like her problems and sadness go far deeper than her feelings for you and her satisfaction with your marriage.

In my eyes, it would not be a good move for her to make such a huge decision as to separate when under the dark cloud of depression, not least because her problems will not be solved by separation if she is actually suffering with depression.

Hopefully, when you start to see the counsellor/psychologist, they will pick up on this?

I am not much help to you ABoot, I'm so sorry, but I am really glad you're here and I am really glad also that you have that counselling lined up.

Do you have family or friends that you can lean on during this time?

Thinking of you ABoot.

🌻birdy

[Doolhof]

Hi ABoot,

I too welcome you to the community. I was thinking much the same as birdy, and don't really have anything much else to add. I too hope you are able to talk this through with your wife and gain some help and understanding of what may be happening.

It may be beneficial to talk to someone at Relationships Australia for some more ideas.

You may also like to have a chat with one of the support workers at the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636.

Your wife may well be suffering from some type of depression like birdy also mentioned. When we are depressed, it is not always easy to see what is happening around us clearly.

It really sounds like you want things to work out, so I wish you all the best.

Cheers from Dools

[ABoot]

A little bit of an update.

so we went our first councillor session the other day where we were able to speak openly about the issues we are having which was good. The main things that concerned me was that my wife started talking about how she thinks that 9 years ago she may have gotten into our relationship too early after a painful breakup and has never fully let herself be 100% committed to our relarionship.

I know I can't comment on her feelings as they are hers, but I simply dont buy that excuse as our relationship was very good for the last 8 years and when I told her in understand that the spark has been lost her response was "was there really a spark?" Which again is very bizarre to me for her to say.

After we had our first miscarriage about 13 months ago I believe is when things started to slowly change. Then when we she was pregnant she came to me one day and said she feared she couldn't go through with it and had a massive freak out and wanted out of our relationship.

11 months on things seemed to settle down and we have our little girl who I also feel she is pushing to the side and not committing to fully. She said that she just cant feel the love she believes she should for her.

I am not sure what I can do at this point, she is staying in the spare bedroom at the moment and our communication is like nothing is wrong. But I want to try and rekindle things but I'm not sure how to approach it and not sure if she wants to fix things.

she said in the councilors that she wasnt sure if she wanted to fix things but committed to another 3 sessions on the day.

I'm stressed to the eyeballs at the moment

[Hang10]

Hi Aboot,

Sadden to read your 2 posts, lots of stress, emotions and anxiety on both sides.

For you, Well done on getting the help with your issues that you mention on your first post. To address our issues takes a lot of work, sometimes two steps forward and one step back. It sounds like you in a better place of overcoming them.

For your wife a miscarriage is like a part of your wife died. Miscarriages are still hidden and not spoken about as much in society and I think this has caused her to question everything and what meaning has anymore.

With your baby beening born recently the guilt may be that she feel that she has replaced her miscarriage baby too soon and not respected the miscarriage baby enough like it was not important.

Your wife would love your baby so much. With you having hard times recently maybe she feels you not understand or can’t cope with the emotions she currently going thru.

Try to support her as much as you can. Little extra help in her life will get you both times to look after each other.

I hope you both can get thru this.

Take care

Hang10.

[ABoot]

I also forgot to mention that during this birth she nearly died.. was in ICU for 3 days.. one of the main things she made a point of saying is that when she came back up to the ward after 4 days she didnt once think how I was feeling or doing, didnt thank me, kiss me or hug me. (I didnt even have any of that cross my mind as I was just concerned about her and making sure I was looking after our baby girl as well)

Another thing is that we have never really talked about any issues. We have a fairly non troublesome relationship and very rarely argue or raise our voices.

At the moment I feel like I am tip toeing around and there are so many y things I want to speak with her about but am fearful of pushing her away further (at the moment that doesnt even feel possible)

[Doolhof]

Hi Aboot,

If you don't mind me asking, how was your relationship before the miscarriage and the next pregnancy?

Has she mentioned the pregnancy situations during the counselling sessions?

As a female who has experienced pregnancy loss, I do understand how confusing it can all become and how messed up in the head you can feel at times. It may well be your wife is still feeling grief for the baby who did not live and may not realise it.

This sense of grief can compound and add to all kinds of complications and confusion.

It sounds like you are trying your best! Could you just all go out for a drive somewhere, go for a walk and not talk about serious stuff?

Is there somewhere your wife used to enjoy going?

Not talking deeply about stuff can make it really difficult to do so when the need arises as it seems to have done now. My husband and I just skim over stuff. In built it has built up resentment I don't know how to handle sometimes!

My heart goes out to you all! I do so hope the counselling helps and you are able to find ways to gain a greater sense of inner peace in the turmoil.

Cheers from Dools

[ABoot]

Hi

Our relationship before the miscarriage was fantastic. She was so enthusiastic about us being parents. We had just bought our new place which was perfect for children to grow up in and we did alot together that made us happy.

in the sessions she didnt mention it directly. I brought it up as I thought it was something the councillor should know about due to its significance in our lives.

I have tried to ask her to do things with me. For example I asked her if she would like to go and have something to eat on Friday at a resteraunt we both like. I was met with a strange look and she asked me not to ask her those questions. I felt totally embarrased and like deer in the headlights. I sent her a message when I got to work and just said I was sorry and she wrote back saying not to be sorry but the thought of spending time alone with me makes her uncomfortable.

I dont understand where these feelings are coming from. I feel like I am someone she has just met in the street, not her partner of 9 years, husband of 2 years and the father of our daughter.

I wrote back and said that it was disappointing as i just wanted to see if she wanted to get out of the house just the 2 of us and try to enjoy ourselves. I said I would not push her on it but I hoped she would take my offer up soon.

[bmacca64]

Hi Aboot, very sorry to hear about the relationship issues which you are currently facing. Birdy77 mentioned that your wife could be depressed being married to wife with bipolar depression and I was thinking along the same lines.

Everything else you mentioned about her lacking affection, feeling numb and you feeling more like someone on the street not a partner of 9 years and husband of 2 (scarily similar to me, 9 years and 3years) is the same. Fortunately we still talk but she says it feels like we are mates not husband and wife.

All I can suggest is to try and get your wife assessed for depression. My wife has just received a referral to a psychiatrist to reassess her medications to see if this is causing her lack of feelings. It may be good if your wife's GP can do the same.

Best of luck in this horrible situation.

[ABoot]

Depression and Anxiety does run in her family as her father was diagnosed and has had it for 15+ years.

I dont know how to approach the subject with her though. She is a very strong willed woman, well educated and wouldn't believe it even if it was right there in front of her.

As I mentioned I am not sure if I give her some space and keep supporting her or start pushing and asking some harder questions.

At the moment she is staying in the spare bedroom but ever other aspect of our lives together is the same. Just no physical encounters

I just feel like if I leave her alone it will get more and more like we are housemates and not husband and wife