Separation and loneliness
Hi, I'm married and have 2 girls 7 and 9. My wife last week said she wanted to separate. I could see in the last 2 months that it might lead to this as she wasn't happy and this caused enormous constant anxiety for me due to uncertainties and worry which lead to depression. I was prescribed medication for my anxiety in the final days leading to the breakup as I couldn't function but after she told me I didnt seem to need the tablets anymore. She also developed depression as well in the last few months. When she told me she wanted to separate it still hit me very hard, especially since I still love her deeply.
At the moment we have decided to at least keep living in the same house (rented) until after Christmas but after that we're not sure when to move out.
I currently dont have any close friends and my family are in a different state. We only moved here about 7 years ago so she could be near friends and family. Im now worried about how to manage our kids/work etc (we both agree on a shared plan with the kids). The rejection, isolation and loneliness is worrying me deeply and getting me down.
Anyone have any ideas how to deal with this situation?
I feel you are taking the first steps to deal with your circumstances by talking to someone. Please continue to take your medication that has been prescribed to you as it is not good just to suddenly stop and sometimes takes a while to kick in. Your doctor is another good place to go and talk to as they could help you access other avenues to help you through this situation.
The last year for me has been a roller coaster and i have found myself getting worrying and becoming very depressed these have been two of the steps that have helped me greatly. Some other things i have done have been talking to family and not being afraid to ring up a help line for a chat.
It is very normal to have these feelings with this sort of experience and may take time to get back to a place where you feel comfortable.
Good sleep, Diet, Exercise and being kind to yourself.
All the Best for your road to recovery
Hi Gippy. You and your wife are not in a good place at the moment to be making decisions regarding separation etc. When you are coping with depression any decisions made during this time often are made when we are not thinking clearly. Perhaps now would be a good time to talk to your Dr, maybe see if you can get a referral to a counselor. Your wife possibly needs some 'time out' to re-evaluate her feelings and emotions. It's possible your wife does still love you. Could she be suffering PND as a result of having the children? I know their ages, but when a women has children, PND sometimes comes in and causes incredible depression. She questions her ability as a mother, the fear that she can't 'connect' or 'bond' with them can cause intense grief and anger. PND, if left undiagnosed, can be everlasting, because the mother might not realize she has this. If you can get some help dealing with your depression and she sees you are starting to respond to counselling, she may ask for help too. You mentioned she has contact with her family and she does have friends. With PND , if in fact she does have that, she still might not be able to talk to family or friends for fear of being made to feel more inadequate. However, you need to concentrate on your depression and getting help for that is your priority. If you feel you need to talk to someone, our helpline is available 24/7, we do have counsellors ready to listen and offer support. At this stage I wouldn't mention anything to do with PND, as it could cause more problems. Denial of it as a bad as the condition itself. Try 'googling' PND and see if your wife is displaying any sort of recognizable symptoms.
Gippy, awesome work coming to the forums and posting. You have a whole bunch of people here who will help and support you.
Terrible situation that you are in but you are most certainly not alone, i can guarantee that. I do not have any experience in separation but do in self care and as you are in a very precarious position, your self care is going to be crucial to your own going mental health and that of your two little munchkins.
To control my anxiety, i run 5ks every morning, stretch listening to calming music (Engima for me) and then do mindfulness via the Smiling Mind app. Take this morning for instance, i was tired, grumpy and on edge however after doing this, i now feel very calm and relaxed. I encourage you to start practicing this.
Making good decisions is critical and what I mean by this is say for instance if you are hungry and you see McDonalds or some other fast food outlet, pass that by and go to another place that has better food. It is to easy when you are feeling a bit down to eat poorly and that has such an impact on your mental health, it is a must. Not saying every meal has to be 100% perfect as that is just not sustainable, but to just take care of oneself by making good decisions.
I don't know if you are rural or city but a lot of cities have men's support groups for men in your position. I would recommend this as you will need that social interactivity. Jump onto www.mensshed.org - places where blokes get together and do blokey things. Really important.
Your two girls are going to feel it to so check out www.brave4you.psy.uq.edu.au which is joint beyondblue and various universities program to help our children. Well worth running them through this. There is also the Youth beyondblue site for them to check out and for you to learn some tips on how to look after their mental health. The separation of parents is obviously a traumatic period in their lives. Do not ever be afraid to speak to your GP about how to go about this if you are worried about it.
Keep engaging with us in here, keep posting and asking questions and let us know how you are going. We will do our best to help guide you through this period.