Self destruct

[Matto74]

Hi, 2 months ago my wife of 12 years told me she was leaving me. It was the day I signed a contract for our own house. I paid cash with my insurance money I received for a total permanent illness. She would not tell me why, saying only it was my fault and I should know already. She refused to listen to me and treated me like she hated me with passion. I didn't see it coming and begged her to tell me why and let me try and make things right. She would not even acknowledge me. I had never seen her like this with so much hate. When I asked why she never told me she was unhappy the response was she kept it all inside. It has devastated me. 

Everything I have done since has made it all worse. I am set on self destruct since. I want so bad for it to return to the way it was, but everything I do is intentionally making things worse. She wanted to stay until she saved more money, but I couldn't take it anymore. I told her if she was leaving me she could leave then. We have a 12Yo daughter who lives with me who also blames me for it all. 

Today I admitted to myself that I was not able to deal with this unless I get help. I am in a place doing things I know are wrong but still do them anyway. I am so grateful for every personal story told here. You have given me the courage to share my story and seek help.

Looking back I realise I made mistakes but nothing I thought would deserved being treated this way. I feel better that I am not alone and in a safe place. 

Thank you

[white knight]

Hi Matto,

I have been in similar situations. Briefly, in 1996 my wife of 11 years had been narcissistic for all that time (using silence as a weapon) I made an attempt on my life. I survived and a week later left the family home. We had two kids 7 and 4yo. I had just enough money to purchase a 3 metres caravan and began a new life at 40yo having my kids every 2nd weekend. My ex was harsh and non relenting, cruel.

So the next 8 weeks was full of grief. I would go on walks and one evening passed a real estate agent and saw a block of land for auction. I won it, from then on every par moment I spent clearing the land, fires, a billy and sausages. I had a direction! I soon built my own kit home by myself. When built I laid in my spa and couldnt stop smiling.

The devastation you are going through will actually pass as mine did. Yes you will be scarred and wary in future and this situation is not your fault. That realisation needs to be believed and then confidence will grow.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

So humans can be quite cruel especially when they utilise all their weaponry. Silence, I didnt know till recent times, can be a narcissistic weapon. I'n your case it could be because she knows her actions isnt justified or she is treating you with contempt or other poor reason, but it is childish and hurtful. Maybe its her true colours? all these possibles you can sort through yourself to a point whereby you get peace but there is a point where it is non productive and can lead to self destruction. I dont suggest that lightly as it was a journey I took once.

Thinking positives helps. Your future and knowing that whatever happens your daughter will one day seek you out and talk. Only then will she be ready and sadly you have no power over your wife's influence over her. Keep the birthdays cards flowing. Find direction and move on as best you can, your ex is taking up brain space that should be replaced with laughter and the love for yourself you truly deserve.

What do you think?

TonyWK 

[Matto74]

Tony, Thank you. I understand what you are talking about. I made myself a promise last night that I had to change the way I am looking at things. I can spend my time felling unhappy and full of regret until it consumes me or I can decide that the only way I will ever be happy again is to work harder than ever to focus on the positive things I do have. My wife left our daughter to live with me thank God. I spent the morning developing a parenting plan, I wrote down what I needed to be for my daughter, how I needed to behave so she has the support she deserves. As you so rightly say I am wasting brain space on someone who doesn't deserve it. I have used the parenting plan as a contract with myself. The steps are simple but will not be easy.

I took the first step asking for help. There are a lot more steps to come I know but I have to do it for my daughter and myself. She deserves the brain space.

When all is said and done, I will be happy because I made an effort. I didn't think of only myself but gave the person who deserved it most what she needed. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me your story.  I will remember how much better it feels knowing I am not the only person that has struggled through this. I will do the same to support someone else who needs it when I can.

[white knight]

Thanks Matto,

I think you are on the right track, together with more time and settling things down will see you being ok. I'm 67yo now and my marriage split when 40yo. So its been quite a while. I lived with a woman for 10 years and it didnt work out. Then married my best friend in 2011 and 12th anniversary came last May. Ironically she used to be my brother in laws wife. I matched them around 1988. They lasted 20 years than split. I asked her up to my new house in 2009 and we were inseparable. Life can turn around and often before you know it.

Good luck and I'm here daily if you need to talk.

TonyWK