Scared to tell parents about relationship

[Pippa_thebold]

22f dating 25m 

Back story, 3 years ago dated this person my parents FORBADE me from dating them threaten (22m at the time) with violence etc. The reason they FORBADE us from dating was because he used to take drugs at festivals. Since then I have dated someone else lived with them since splitting I have moved back home with mum and dad. Context  I'm a uni student who also works full time and does pay them rent.

I ran into 25m again back in Feb and we have fallen back in love all over again. I want to be with this person for many reasons but I will run out of space.   However, I have such intense and crippling anxiety about telling my parents. I am so scared that they are gonna react violently or kick me out. I love my parents but they do not take it lightly when their kids do something they don't like. I do see my partner as much as I can but my parents are always on my grill about where I am and how long I'm there etc. I love my partner and want to be with him all the time. I just don't know how to go about telling them, I am so scared of the fall out from that but I know I need to tell them. 

I guess I'm just looking for some advice? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

When I was 27yo following a 7 year relationship split, I began dating lots of girls. One I was keen on, my mother disliked. Like you I had return home to live. One day my mother got angry and yelled "if you don't break off with that girl I'm going to go away to the country for 3 weeks". I answered- "I'll help you pack your suitcase".

It took a courageous stance against emotional blackmail. I'm not suggesting your parents are doing the same however what they are doing is patrolling boundaries that is surprising for a 22yo woman. 

So if I analyse this as a independent observer based on your post, their concern was (previously) about his drug taking. Is that concern still relevant? Well, sure, absolutely because as a dad of a 33yo I'd be similarly worried.

There is little doubt your parents feel they should have a right to a say on whom you date more so when you reside under their roof.  Imo I'd move out amicably and just far enough away that makes daily visits a bit too far but close to uni.

So the wisest approach is to move out but make sure this guy has fully separated himself from all matters undesirable. As for letting your parents know I think I'd leave that explosive discussion a few months down the track when your relationship has shown signs if success and your parents have accepted you being independent. 

I know you need their approval but it might not come at the moment. 

TonyWK 

[tranzcrybe]

"I love my parents but they do not take it lightly when their kids do something they don't like"

 - That surely applies to minors?

Your life is yours to make - come what may, it is up to you to follow or deny your inner desires although there will be risks, highs and lows, no matter what you decide.

Courage to meet your parents eye to eye is a sign of maturity and your first step on the pathway to adulthood, but it would be nice to have their support and respect for your judgement - ultimately it is up to them to make that concession, not the decree.
 

[Pennieee]

Hi Pippa_thebold,

I have gone through a similar situation you are in. My family disapproved of my relationship with my partner because they believed he was not good enough for me, there were some misunderstandings and his family's history was complicated and so there were constant tension and arguments. I was under tremendous stress and pressure (I was in uni and working part-time as well), but I kept the relationship going...but also hidden for a very very long time. Eventually my partner stepped up and have a matured conversation with my parents to show that he is very serious about our relationship and he has become a better person for us. At the same time I would finish uni and get a full-time job which has shown them that I was not "badly influenced" by my partner and the decision I've made is not me rebelling but I wanted this. I don't know if it would help...but if you and your partner are serious then you both should step up and speak to them....you can try approaching 1 parent at a time..? At the end of the day your parents are just worrying you'd end up with the wrong person and end up miserable for the rest of your life, so they take the extreme way to prevent that. But as we all know...the future is unpredictable right?

You will be okay...just take one step at a time 🙂