Sabotaging a new friendship

Guest_1050 · ‎14-10-2018

I met a woman at my workplace who is a visiting psychologist. I'm female & a couple of years older than her, she is single. Some months ago she suggested we meet for coffee. I never took her up on the offer until about 4 weeks ago when I suggested we meet outside of work. I should preface this by saying that I am very happily married & this is not a romantic attraction. She arranged for us to have a night out & we went out for drinks on the weekend. It was a great night where we spent about 4 hours just talking & getting to know each other. It turns out we have a lot in common & we clicked straight away. After that night we sent the occasional friendly text and I suggested we go out for the day on the next weekend. We had the most brilliant day and both commented on how much we enjoyed each other's company. I'm a highly anxious person but usually keep it fairly under wraps and don't often let the outside world see it. After we spent this day together and I enjoyed it so much, I continued to text her on the days after and would only continue to text if she replied. In her texts she told me how blessed she feels to have met me. We were both on holidays for the next 2 weeks & I'd often send her a text & ask her if she wanted to meet up. She'd been helping a friend with her house and often wouldn't text back until the night & be apologetic that we couldn't meet. I like this person so much - she is fun, a great listener, positive & just someone I want to be around & have as a really good friend. Unfortunately I think I have pushed myself on her too fast and too quickly. I am usually the one to initiate texts and my recent offers of getting together have been turned down with legitimate reasons. Last week when I saw her at work I felt like she was blowing me off and this has made my anxiety go through the roof and caused me to overthink everything. She has told me in texts not to overthink everything and that we are fine. I really want to spend more time with her but don't want to come across as needy and clingy. How can I continue to develop this new friendship without seeming desperate? It's never been in my nature to be patient and wait to be contacted by the other person. I really thought she was keen for this friendship too but now I'm not so sure and I don't know how to proceed. My thoughts are further complicated by the fact she is a psychologist and this affects my responses too as I worry she thinks I am crazy!

Chosen_Sister · ‎14-10-2018

Hi Meem

I just read your post and can I suggest that you relax and let her come to you. I don't know the whole story but please don't be too hard on yourself it's probably nothing you have done maybe it's just her?

I've had to learn myself when to pursue friendships and when to let them go. Either way time will tell whether she wants to pursue a friendship with you through her actions.

Some questions I would ask myself is (hypothetical only); are you sure she didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you? Maybe she assumed you were unmarried or unhappily married? Secondly, was there an ulterior motive or interest possibly?

Apologies for sounding suspicious but sometimes we do have to ask ourselves these questions, looking at it objectively rather than so subjectively.

I would remain polite and pleasant around her but if she's not responding to you I would be inclined to move on. You will eventually meet like minded people who want to be your friend not treat you as a 'project'.

Hope this helps.

geoff · ‎15-10-2018

Hello Meems, and a warm welcome to you as well as Chosen Sister.

It's great you both get on really well, however, your psychologist knows that a close relationship with a client is not suggested, I'm sorry, she realises that her profession could be damaged because it could affect your counselling.

The relationship between you and her has to be close so that you can open up to her, but this has to happen in her office, because she has agreed that she keeps her professional boundaries are in place.

Can I give you an example, if the two of you do go out and become close, then when a point is raised in your session, the tempermant of talking to each other may change sufficiently, not as a psychologist to patient.

There could be ways for this to change and perhaps that's what you need to discuss with her.

I'm very sorry to say this and by no means want to upset you.

Geoff.