Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

[Natalia_S]

I (22F) haven't suffered with RJ until now, in my first committed relationship.

Me and my boyfriend (25M) have been in a relationship for almost 10 months now. He’s had 3 long term relationships.
At first I was mature about the fact that he’s almost 4 years older than me, he has had longer and more mature relationships and has done more in his life than me, but I still find myself stalking his exes on social media, digging around and asking for more information that I KNOW will hurt me, and straight up ignoring any reassurance he gives me. I hate picturing him with someone else and my instinct is to make him feel bad about his past that are beyond both of our control which I know is totally wrong.

I go for weeks being absolutely fine, but the second an ex is brought into conversation, even by me, it’ll send me on a spiral of social media stalking and taking my anger out on him. It hurts us both every time.
He loves me so much and he tells me that he’s never felt this loved in any relationship he has been in. I believe this to be true, especially from the things he’s told me about his exes. He says he’s never been able to see a future with any of his exes. I absolutely adore him and worship the ground he walks on. I think he’s the one but my behaviour really gets in the way of us being happy and trusting one another.

Recently, I have been stalking HARDCORE, finding stuff from 2015 when he was with his ex and seeing what he's said about her, etc. I had to walk out of work because I was having an extreme panic attack and almost vomitted.

It is getting worse and I don't want to lose him but I feel like the only way to stop suffering if to break up with him. I feel hopeless. I feel sick in the head and I feel like if I live like this forever, I will die.

Does anyone feel the same or now effective ways to get over this for good? I've read books, articles and watched videos - nothing helps long term.

[Natalia_S]

Hello Grandy,

Thank you for your response, it was wonderful and made me feel very relieved.

You are absolutely right. I think I am just more insecure than ever lately and it has triggered this insecurity over his past and I cannot see all the things he sees in me 😞 So I think maybe his exes are prettier, funnier, fitter, etc. and I begin my cycle of jealousy.

I also have an emphasis on being special and the "one and only" and I feel selfish but I cannot help that feeling. I feel less special knowing his done a lot of other things with other people he's loved.

Thankyou for listening,

Natalia

[Here2Talk]

Anxiety..... I have had generalized anxiety disorder for many years now. a comment above is correct (in my personal experience) that meditation and all associated relaxation techniques are rarely helpful in the moment of distress...

anxiety has many forms- panic, ocd, generalised, specific phobia... all of them have in common a certain feeling of fear which is relieved by behaviours- in your case feelings when you imagine your partners exes, which is.... well, perhaps you’re looking for comfort in stalking, like if you just look at enough photos and posts on Facebook then this feeling will go away...

Is this problem causing a lot of friction in your relationship?

Many people in modern society have had multiple past relationships so I guess that most people would face the prospect of their partner having exes.... I know you said your rational mind knows such things but it is worth noting that many others are in the exact same situation...

How was your childhood Natalia?

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Natalia,

Feeling insure is a horrible feeling...One thing you should remember,....It doesn’t matter if they were prettier, funnier, fitter etc....He has chosen you...It’s never really what’s on the outside at all..They could be the prettiest, funniest, fittest girl in the world but have a heart of stone....It’s the inside of a person, the soul, the heart that true love is awakened and continues to grow into something beautiful...Which to me sounds like it has between you and your partner....

You are special to him Natalia, because he has chosen you...and has told you that he has never felt this loved in any relationship before..that alone tells me that he feels your love for him, where with his ex’s he didn’t feel that...Please try hard to believe his words..he sounds like a beautiful person, that’s been honest with you...with his past..and I’m sure he doesn’t want to waste his precious time that he is spending with you..reliving his past...

I can feel the love you have for him through your words...jealousy can change a person to something that I know you’re not....Life is short Natalia, too short for something like jealousy to take away your happiness and joy you feel when you’re with your partner....

Believe in his words, and believe that you are very special and loved by him...Because you are...

Here for you lovely Natalia..with my kind thoughts and care..

Grandy

[Natalia_S]

Exactly right. But then if I find something online that I don't like, I feel even worse and it causes a panic attack. My grandmother said to me "it's like you want to feel pain" when I tell her I stalk his ex girlfriends and then I find something I don't want to see.

My childhood wasn't awful, but growing up I definitely felt alone and was very shy. This was exacerbated by bullying in school, cyber bullying, having a lot of fake and disloyal friends and then being treated poorly by my first proper love. This all made me feel not good enough and made me question myself 24/7. My parents also didn't have a healthy relationship and I was exposed to quite a lot of family violence and verbal abuse from as young as I can remember. I also have a strong family history of mental illness like anxiety and depression.

[Natalia_S]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you, once again, I can feel the kindness and compassion radiate from your messages.

I totally agree inside is what matters most - and I truly believe I can provide him with something no one else ever could and that is the unwavering love and encouragement I can give.

I will try my very hardest to do so. The past 24 hours I have felt my obsessive thoughts slowly cease and I can go back to normal so I may address my insecurity. I think once I feel confident about myself once again, I can overcome this jealousy and OCD.

Is it ok if I message you here during harder days?

[Here2Talk]

Experiences we have as children imprint a certain unconscious way of viewing certain things and relationships in the world- sometimes called schemas. This things can be vague like the world is a dangerous place, or a little more specific, like “people will leave me”... At either rate these reactions to the world are really distressing, and cause us to interpret everything according to the schema, whether appropriate or not. In your case, the violence and verbal abuse you frequently observed may have made you internalise the idea that life is unsafe and threatening; and then the fake friendships and ultimately betrayal by your first love - leave a deep wound. And if you’re already feeling a general sense of insecurity this could be enough to overwhelm you.... To the point that subconsciously you’re expecting to be hurt by your current partner, and so your mind is trying to get you to prepare for this, to take away the u certainty, which at the same time you realise logically it is a strategy which hurts but your mind (and body - anxiety is mind and body) has made this process almost automatic....


Schemas can change my dear, it just takes work and soul searching. I’m here for you to talk through any aspects of your mind and life to try and start you on this process if you want...

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Natalia,

I am so happy that you obsessive thoughts have eased off for you..

I would love it if you do talk here when your in hard times..or even if you feel to chat about anything you want to..

I can hear in your words that you are a beautiful person..and love your partner deeply....

Please dear Natalia..come here any time you want to..I am here for here for you anytime..

My best and warmest wishes to you and you partner..

Grandy..

[Guest_3256]

Hi Buddy.

I have been in your position before. My apologies if I come across direct as I believe in you becoming a better person. You are dealing with issues only you can control and know that you are allowed to have these unwanted thoughts, it is common. These are not real thoughts - they are imagination/fake. Sometimes having these unwanted unreal thoughts can actually be self-sabotaging and cause us to lose control of who we are. This is not who you are, you are better, brighter and more beautiful than you realise. I still get a bit insecure myself and how to manage these thoughts is too stop, pause and breath. keep doing this until you can be calm.

One of the most important things to understand is that we do not live in the past and we do not live in the future. We are living right in this moment. Rights now. Everything in the past is gone and the future has not happened yet. Live now and be better tomorrow.

You can do it. Everyday. Love your partner they way they love you.

Be strong, be brave.

🙂

[Natalia_S]

Hello,

That is very interesting and you explained it very well! I have been looking into shifting my schemas/paradigms recently and I think this is the best way to go about improving my self image and reducing my insecurity/anxiety within relationships. How would you suggest a good way to go about doing this?

I think previous relationships and being bullied etc has made me feel worthless and compare myself to other females. I feel like I always have something to prove to someone, whether it be a partner, parent, boss, etc. I guess I just want to prove to my boyfriend (and myself) I am the best girlfriend he's ever had or will ever have.

[Natalia_S]

Hi Grandy

Thank you so much. You are very very kind ❤️

I am having a better week and feel a bit stronger mentally when my negative thoughts come up. However, I have heaps of work to do.

I think I am just unhappy with my life and really want to make a shift and start living for myself. Not my parents, my boss, society, etc....

I have made the decision to finally leave my current job and take some time off work to focus on myself and get my mind back in check. I am also in the final year of my law/commerce degree so I have a lot of career decisions to make!