Estranged fathers of young children

[white knight]

As an estranged father of one of my children, nothing can describe the inner anguish of such a separation. What's more, having the mother of our child demonise you to our child and not promote your relationship with the child.. even devaluing it, is near impossible to combat. If your hurt leads to anger you wont win, if you remain calm and express kindness you wont win either because your kindness can be portrayed as a "trick, that he isnt being his real self". 

In my case my eldest daughter left home at 12 to be with me as she was treated poorly as I was. So my ex wife had an agenda, to make sure our youngest didnt do the same. She taught our youngest all the narc tricks she has in her armoury. Some of the devaluing examples you might relate to-

• Withholding a child from parent and teacher nights as the night didnt fall within visiting times
• Elevating the role of a mother over a father eg they give birth, they breast feed etc ALL PARENTS ARE EQUAL
• Differences in parenting seen as poorer parenting 

So, cut to the chase, what can a dad do to survive this onslaught that is ongoing until your youngest reaches 18yo. That was the era when I stopped all child support and told mY ex never to contact me again under any circumstances.

So, that last few words was one answer. You are not compelled to have communication with the mother of your children if you find them toxic. So that day will come and you can decide that. Also if your child/children follow in their mothers path with toxicity you have choices. Eg After 14 years of my youngest 14yo-28yo treating me with contempt, manipulation, triangulation, etc I made the hard decision to cut contact.

Even good fathers need protection. Rise up, be proud, acknowledge that you are a good person and tried your best but in some personalities you cannot combat cruelty and when you try you are opening yourself up to more abuse. It is a no win situation so realise that and make changes  but dont fall for the guilt trip.

I have my older daughter now 34yo and she might have a child one day. Also I have young kids in my life, grandkids of friends. I make them toy trains and draw pictures with them. I no longer have toxic people in my life. 

THROUGH TURMOIL AND DISARRAY

The road has dips we never see

Our family wasnt suppose to be

A torn heart and a suppressed man

Be the dad you always planned

The best adult to all kids around

Hugs will come, your worth be found

Through hurt, turmoil and disarray

The dad you be can still smile away...

TonyWK

[white knight]

I'd like to mention that the road toll is nowadays always less than the suicide rate. Around 1200 national road toll to 2700-3300 suicides and of those suicides 3/4 are men. I wouldnt doubt that estranged father from their children make up a proportion of that figure.

The myth that men are strong and durable is just that- a myth. I've read many time an estranged dad from his kids, the kids now adults and he feels hesitant to contact them. Even when kids he can be afraid. Often this could be the fear he has for 1/ rejection due to the influence placed on them from the mother 2/ Opening up old wounds 3/ cant handle criticism and so on. Some fathers (I have an ex in-law) pay the most minimal child support for his children at around a Macca's meal a month. To do this they look for cash in hand work or restrict income from their own company. Either way they resent paying for their children which isnt an honourable approach. Why is this? several reason perhaps but not wanting to pay directly to his ex wife could be one reason. In my case I put out of my mind what my ex collected in terms of pension, CS, family allowances and so on.

The message here is to divorce your mind from your ex partners activities and life. Get on with your own life and make the best of a poor situation especially if you have a poor communication base. And remember- one day your kids will be driving to your house or move in with you, it might seem a long way off, it comes around very quickly.

TonyWK