Responding to partner's hygiene habits

[Safran]

I'd really appreciate some objective advice on how best to respond to some pretty confronting bathroom habits from my 41yr old partner. 

We've been together almost 8yrs and throughout this whole time we have constant arguments about the state he leaves the toilet in - not just the toilet bowl, but the seat too as it's continually smeared with poo. He assures me it's not a medical issue - just laziness on his part as he 'forgets' to clean it up. Our relationship is otherwise very healthy - we own a house together and are very committed but this is about to break me. 

I've tried every possible approach to get him to stop (raising it with him calmly using 'I' statements and clearly articulating how it makes me feel and impacts me, through to firmer conversations and ultimatums) and every time he says he'll improve but he doesn't. Lately this has escalated to full blown arguments because he keeps saying he'll stop doing it but the behaviour doesn't change. 

Today was the last straw and I've threatened getting a portaloo for his own use if it happens one more time. Am I being unreasonable? Are there any other approaches I can use? 

[tranzcrybe]

While one can only accept this is not a 'medical' issue, a little revisiting of basic toilet training might reveal what is behind the difficulty:-

• Is he a large man or with any physical restriction?
• Could the bowl be changed for a larger/higher one (or use an adjustable 'over toilet' chair) to make things easier
• have you considered the advantages of installing a bidet to eradicate manual cleaning?

Perhaps as a last resort (not threatening the portapotty), you might elect to install an en-suite if feasible (not really an expense if you consider it a home improvement) and separate the use of facilities to your own preferences.

In the interim, keeping all the cleaning stuff readily accessible in the toilet itself might prompt his conscience to have some regard for the sensitivities of others. It's bad enough for you, but what about any guests...?

[therising]

Hi Safran

I feel for you and I can relate. One of my 2 grown kids does the same thing on occasion. I've spoken to both of them about it and they both deny it's them that does it. I think I know who the culprit is. I've been racking my brain as to what to do and have reached the conclusion that I'm going to put a note up on the inside of the toilet door that they're facing, about seat height. Maybe something humorous that still gets the point across. Not sure what it'll read. Perhaps something along the lines of 'To those who live in this house: After doing #2s, turn around, check the bowl and the seat. Check for evidence of you having left your mark. Clean the mark so that no one has to observe it or sit on it. If you insist on leaving your mark and taking no responsibility for it, be guaranteed it is definitely going to hit the fan'. I think such instructions have the potential to get a laugh and get the point across, not angry sounding or super intense. Once the person who it's directed at learns to follow simple instructions, the note can be removed. In mentioning 'To those who live in this house', guests are not left feeling chastised.

I think what makes it so angering at times involves an obvious lack of respect and consideration plus it's just flat out lazy behaviour. They prefer to lack consciousness rather than work on raising their consciousness a little. I think it's the kid in me (not the mature mother) that now has me imagining smearing the toilet seat in Vasaline, just so I can smile when the poo culprit tells me to stop doing it based on how 'inconvenient' and 'disgusting' it is. 😂

[Safran]

Thank you very much for your response - confirming he's not a particularly large man and also does not have any physical disabilities or conditions that would explain this behaviour. It's just laziness. 

We do already have an en-suite and he's leaving this in the same state as he leaves the main bathroom. There are ample cleaning products next to both toilets so that he can easily clean up after himself.  I am also horrified at the thought that a guest may see if I'm not there to monitor and I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety about anyone coming over. 

I've not mentioned this to any of our friends as I don't want to shame him but I'm also not sure if this warrants seeing a professional counsellor, so not sure what to do or where to go, as he's just not listening to my continued requests to clean up after himself. 

[Safran]

Thanks very much for your reply! I've also tried leaving notes on the bathroom wall as a reminder to clean up after himself, but he was mortified and accused me of shaming him. Perhaps a humourous approach is worth trying as you've suggested. Short of seeing a professional counsellor I'm not sure what else to do, as he's just not listening to me or taking me seriously when I tell him how much it impacts me. 

[tranzcrybe]

Well, it looks like 'his & hers' bathrooms is the way to go - with 'his' being exclusively so to use and clean at his own discretion (and hopefully with the opening window).

You might want to pick for yourself the one most accessible to guests...

Speaking of humorous references, I cared for my dad who was a little wayward with the waterworks so I asked he sit down to pee.
Of course he wouldn't, so I placed a sign on the wall above the cistern which read:

'If you are reading this, you are doing it wrong'

That didn't work either, but it made me see the funny side (during the daily mop and brush) instead of getting myself agitated.

Maybe he could do something for you which he would find equally detestable to balance the ledger (or just help to change his evil ways!) - hm, now let's see, what possible things could you come up with....?