Husband of 50 years emotionally abuses me

[flossie62]

There was an episode over the weekend where we had visitors and I was planning on cooking a pork roast for dinner.  I won't go into full details right now, but I had put the roast in for 40 minutes for the crackling, following the written instructions on the packet.  After a while my husband saw smoke filling the room and carried on in a childish manner blaming and disrespecting me for stuffing up the oven and drinking too much and not knowing what I was doing.  It was very embarrassing and I couldn't hold back my tears, not wanting to get into a full blown fight in front of visitors. 

These sorts of issues have happened over the years, but I think this was the worst.  We have had a talk and I have said that I will not stay if this happens again.  He has apologised but I really don't know what to do.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Flossie,
Husband carrying on like a pork chop over the pork roast wasn't appropriate in front of visitors - at least he didn't call the fire brigade, then the calamity would have spread to the neighbours...).

Visitors can be stressful just having them in my house, let alone cooking a meal for them; but that's just me. Good/long term friends would be more understanding and make allowances for husband's antics and take pity on the predicament it placed you in; and while you were correct in avoiding a scene, a few sharp words from you might have been warranted at the time about how one should conduct themselves (and how a little assistance and support would have been more beneficial).

Still, lessons can be learned, and you made it clear that this treatment would not be tolerated.

First tip:
Never prepare a meal for visitors that you have not first experimented (and succeeded) on for yourselves.

Second tip:
If husband thinks he could do better, then let him cook while you put your feet up and relax.

Third tip:
There's usually a good reason to go out for dinner and save yourself the fuss.

Despite the embarrassment, I think husband would have come off second best in the eyes of your visitors, not you. I would be reflecting on how he demeaned himself more by his actions.

[flossie62]

Thanks transcrybe for your comments.

I am not a very confident cook anyway and always struggle to know what to do for visitors.  I agree with your tip 1 - always try cooking the meal before you serve up to guests.  I will never again serve up anything that I haven't tried and tested.

In regards to tip 2 - my husband cooks every night of the week, except when we have visitors (which isn't that often).  So he certainly does more than his fair share of cooking.  But I'm not sticking up for him.

Tip 3 - we do usually try and go out for dinner with visitors.  Probably will do that all the time now.

My husband certainly demeaned himself and at my age, I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.  We have been married for nearly 51 years, had 3 children, and had a very interesting life, now retired.

I feel now is the time to take action if he continues to disrespect me.

[tranzcrybe]

Thanks Flossie.

There would have been a bit of pressure on you even before things went the way they did; and such a display was insensitive and unsupportive given husband's capacity to assist before, during, or after.
More of a team effort may have helped avert the crisis.

Here's couple of handy meal alternatives I often use:

• Home made pasta - super quick and easy
• Seafood and salads - leave all the work to the crustaceans!
• Simple light main course (antipasto, bruschetta, etc), but with a killer dessert or cake - store bought can also do a pretty good job

My last tip, and this may sound odd, but do take pity on your husband of 50 years.

There are surely many more good memories than bad; and while it's fair to say we all grow old, some never really grow up.

In this respect, your role in managing the relationship over time becomes increasingly necessary to keep affairs in order and maintain perspective. I can't help feel that you need each other more than you don't.

[flossie62]

Thanks transcrybe,

We have had many good times over the years, with lots of travelling both in Australia and overseas.  Can't travel so much nowadays because of health issues with my husband.  I know he is worried about his health, and I think this could be an underlying issue as to why he has such a short fuse.

By the same token, I want the rest of the time I have left to be happy, and I don't have the strength anymore to fight.  I am trying to be stronger and let him know if he does or says something I don't like.  Things have got to change, and hopefully for the better.

[Sophie_M]

Hi flossie62,   

Thank you so much for sharing, we're sorry that you had this experience. We know our lovely community has provided some advice and we just wanted provide some extra support.

It's completely understandable that you were upset over the weekend, no one should ever be treated with disrespect especially by your partner who has shared many years with you. We hear that you went to a lot of effort to prepare a meal, it's important that you feel appreciated and supported particularly with visitors over.

In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your partner has been treating you. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat.  

You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. You mentioned that your husband has some health issues which can put a lot of pressure on the both of you, Carers Australia may be another good resource that you could look at, their website is here and they provide extra support for those providing a caring role: https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

It sounds like it's having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's important to be kind to yourself through this and remember that it was not your fault.  

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here and feel free to update us at any time.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[flossie62]

Sophie M,

Thank you for letting me know about all the other organisations that I can make contact with if I need to.  I was not aware there was so much help out there and I will definitely make contact if I need to. I have suffered from depression for many years, and last weekend was the final straw for me.  We are both trying at the moment.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Flossie,

Declining health can certainly be something to contend with and there is often pressure on the sufferer and carer alike, especially in close relationships.

You are dealing with a lot at a time when your own reserves are being strained.

Although an unpleasant task, it can be beneficial to plan future care needs and explore options to minimise the disruption to both your lives.

This may require a willingness for change and adaptation to new challenges (behaviour and expectation being high on the agenda), although it can also release many undesirable (negative) traditions through any renewed spirit of cooperation and mutual support.

Ensuring care for yourself is essential when caring for others, and seeking the respect you deserve is no less diminished in times of need.

[therising]

Hi flossie62

I feel for you so much, given the stress and upset your husband's words bring you. It's such a tough way to live, when people can't feel for us regarding the impact of their words.

When I began my marriage almost 21 years ago, I was a serious people pleaser and therefor could feel people's displeasure if I'd upset them in any way, my husband's displeasure included. Their words would lead me to feel horrible, stressed and 'less than' (aka worthless) in some ways, which really brought me down. It'd all lead to the kind of self chastising that would eventually depress me if it became intense enough and went on for long enough. While the people pleaser and inner critic in me dictated the kind of inner dialogue I was listening to, there were other parts of me that began to come to life more over time. I think this came with no longer being able to tolerate other people's behaviour because it felt so depressing for me. While the people pleaser and harsh critic in me used to dictate stuff like 'You're hopeless. Why can't you just make everyone happy, what's wrong with you? You're so stupid', what I happily refer to as 'the intolerant cow in me' began to develop a life of its own. It led me to question myself through dialogue such as 'Why are you taking this from people? Why are you tolerating it?'. As I began to become more intolerant (which was not a bad thing, especially for self esteem), another part of me started to also come to life. Surprisingly, it was the comedian in me. Yes, I know, strange. So, if my husband decided to go on about me burning a roast, I imagine the comedian in me might come back with 'Now I know how the roast feels, seriously burned', while looking around at my audience (guests). Of course, the 'burned' part refers to when someone 'burns' (insults) you. I love tranzcrybe's sense of humor, with the 'carrying on like a pork chop' comment 😅

Of course, not every upsetting comment can be laughed off because of the seriously upsetting nature of such comments. Some comments can be heartbreaking, some can be deeply depressing, some can be enraging or stressful and so on. I've found being able to 'make light' out of a person's dark or depressing comments at times is just one of the ways I've come to manage my mental health.

While I've copped a fair bit of flack and insults over the years for being a bit of a 'woo woo' gal (being into some elements of spirituality), I've learned to have fun with that too and not take it to heart. To offer an example that I hope leads you to a smile... When someone says something upsetting or potentially depressing to me, at times I may stop them, put my open palms up in from of me (as if getting a feel for something), close my eyes and say 'I'm sensing something here. Hang on a second, let me get a better feel for it' and then I'll look them straight in the eye with a grin and say 'I know what it is I'm sensing. I can sense you being an a***hole. Now, am I right?'😁. The stand up comedian and the upstanding intolerant cow in me (as a tag team, that work well together) have led me to become a bit of a sassy one over the past few years. While I'm not out for a laugh at someone else's expense, my ultimate goal is for me to smile in an otherwise upsetting or potentially depressing situation.