Resentment towards my partner after 2nd child

[Jade_94]

Hello,

I was looking around on google trying to find answers as to why I was feeling angry all the time and I found myself coming back to the question "what triggers these emotions"

My Partner.

We have just had our 2nd child together he is currently 6 months and out eldest is 3 in a month.

My partner works full time and I work nights 3 days a week.. My partner works so bloody hard for us. I find Staying home with the kids is HARD 80% of the time. And I notice my self getting more and more short tempered . and it scares me.

I find my self always waiting for my partner to get home. But when he does? Its not enough for me, I'm disappointed ? Why ?

He likes to relax after work by playing games on the computer, he puts on his head set and talks to his mates nearly all night. He does help when I ask him to do things. But sometimes he complains.

He says he has been working ALL day, so I should do what's needed for the kids.

Like I'm sorry you had kids. They still apply even after you finish work.

Most times I'm fine with this. But lately its PISSING me off.

I just find my self so angry at him. All the time. Is it because he has a hobby? something to escape to when he comes home?

Whyyyyy

[white knight]

Hi Jade, welcome

Yes, he does work hard. The funny thing is, you are working just as hard if not harder balancing your children plus working nights. I assume night shift but regardless, night work is debilitating, I know I worked security for many years.

The only answer to this is to formulate some specific family time. As a dad he should be eager to set aside at least one hour to spend with you and your children, family time isn't computer games, no phones at all (turned off) just you and the two children. At this stage reading to your eldest one and perhaps lying on a rug and playing with your youngest...bonding. That leaves many hours for hubby to play his games and talk to his friends. But you'd have to enforce this and it wont be easy. Approaching him will be the issues. This thread might help, use google

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

The other option is distraction. He has a hobby, maybe you need to look at one yourself?

Topic: boys and their toys a woman annoyed?- beyondblue

Topic: 3 things, happy marriage, hobbies and spirit- beyondblue

topic: anger and frustration- beyondblue

I hope they help. Just read the first post if you like. repost anytime

Regards

tony WK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jade 94

I'd say you're angry because the situation simply isn't fair.

Reading your post brought back a lot of memories for me, as I remember feeling the same way over 20 years ago! I'd feel really comfortable saying with certainty, you are not alone. And it is okay to be angry but not all the time--it's not good for you or the kids or your marriage. You need to bring about some change. I think White Night is spot on, you need to talk to hubby in a way that he will understand and the various bb brochures would be a great place to start.

I don't know your husband but with my husband it wasn't that he didn't love the kids and it wasn't that he was lazy (he was working long hours outside the home), it was that he could get away with it. And that's not victim blaming, it's just the truth. As long as I was prepared to do the heavy lifting, he was prepared to let me. Perhaps this is human nature. It wasn't until I pushed back, in a loving, non-confrontational way, to renegotiate our roles that he stepped up. Once you feel ready, couple of ideas for you ...

See if you can get hubby to take ownership of one child-caring task a day. Make it something he can enjoy and be proud of. Don't direct him. Let him do it his way. Give him heaps of praise. My husband used to bath the children every night. I initially sold it to him because my back was sore and it was difficult bending and twisting around the tub. He loved it and still boasts about it today (completely oblivious to everything else I was doing, but that's a different story!)

Consider creating a regular outing so you can get some guaranteed "me" time. At the moment, paid work appears to be your only escape. I met some women at mother's group and we did a fortnightly movie night on Tuesdays (don't know if that's still the cheap night) for quite a while. If that doesn't work, perhaps a local restaurant for dinner or a commitment to walking or jogging with the group.

If finances allow, you could also consider childcare one day per week. Your three-year old will likely enjoy the opportunity to play with others. It doesn't get hubby involved but you would then have more time to run errands, shop or just relax a bit. If this isn't an option, you can consider networking with other mums and take turns caring for each other's children. Just a couple of hours child-free per week will be good for your spirits.

Good luck.

[Croix]

Dear Jade.94~

I'd have to say your anger is not surprising. You do have the lion's share of the work and the prospect of your husband regularly sitting down to play would be immensely irritating. I think if he had been fixing the roof or servicing the car or some other productive pastime it might be different. Then again being the one to always dealing with the kids would be a trial all by itself..

I'm rather amused at Summer Rose saying she 'sold' her partner a task, my wife did too. Getting me to purchase the nappies from M*********t in the UK, getting me to read the washing instructions (yes shows how long ago that was) and then dealing with the heavy soaking buckets and antique twin-tub meant I ended up nappy soaker and washer general. Actually I did not mind, it actually gave a sense of accomplishment seeing the fencing-wire closes line covered in drying nappies. It also gave me an in-built excuse to not do other things I really disliked as it was an ongoing task:)

All this might be amusing but does bear out the idea of ownership. So hopefully you can devise a strategy to even things up.

Croix