Damaged by an alcoholic father - Am I crazy or sane?

[Loststriver]

Hello all, and thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I'll start off by saying that I am a young adult of an alcoholic father. From the age of 21 on wards, I have lived with a mentally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father. The type of father that would torture you and play on your emotions and thoughts constantly. In the past, I remember coming home from work one day, to find him intoxicated and violent against my mother and brother. I remember seeing him try to kill my mother and my brother was there trying to fend him off. He would often try and do these things as well as trying to drive his car whilst under the influence.

My father has even tried to commit suicide at one point, as a desperate plea to gain, what I think to be, a form of attention. Seeing him was the darkest sight I've ever seen in my life.

I feel as if all the abuse I have tolerated from him over the years has carried over into my adulthood (I am 26 at the time of posting this) and has damaged me beyond repair. I feel a lot of resentment and hatred towards him. My emotions are basically non-existent, in most aspects of my life. My brain feels like it was been rewired to that of a non normal person. I have noticed some traits that have developed in me that were never there, such as perfectionism, difficulties with intimacy, trouble with starting something and finishing it, fear of losing control, the list goes on.

I've even begun to think disgusting thoughts such as "maybe my father would be better off dead." I have even begun to not trust my own thoughts about everything in my life, such as my studies at the moment, my friends, my future, whether what I'm doing or thinking is right or wrong. I feel like I can't distinguish from what is normal thoughts to those that evil.

I just feel like a damaged, lost, confused, tormented soul that's roaming the earth, trying to make the best for himself and my future in any way possible. I have a constant need to improve myself in everything, all the time, and it's driving me insane.

I have tried services such as eheadspace online chat as well as beyond blue chat and everything points to me going to see a Psychologist or perhaps even Psychotherapy.

Would seeing a Psychologist be the right step for me?

Any guidance would be great. Thank you.

[MissMySon]

Hi there Loststriver,

What you have described sounds like a coping mechanism in an attempt to stop any further pain, unfortunately, this mechanism cant tell the difference between bad feelings and good feelings.

I think a mental health professional would be beneficial to you, start by seeing your gp, who will then refer you to the appropriate service. Ask for a mental healthcare plan, this will give you between 5 and 10 free sessions.

The problem with bottling up emotions is that at some point they will overflow, so I encourage you to try and make an appointment tomorrow.

Also, the mind should be treated just like any part of the body, if its injured or sick, get some help. There is no shame, I actually see getting help as a sign of strength.

Good luck mate.

Cheers, Scotti.

[geoff]

hello Loststriver, can I welcome you to the forum and I can feel your pain.

When you have an alcoholic parent and I knew a close friend many years who had a mother that was drunk from morning till night, she was a lovely lady, but an alcoholic.

He tried his best to avoid a couple of us from seeing her, he was embarrassed, but when I was drinking due to depression my sons weren't afraid of their mates coming, but understand the fear you had of seeing your father when he was intoxicated.

His abuse may cause you to have OCPD ( obsessive compulsive personality disorder ) and then 'intrusive thoughts' may happen, such as you're having.

You can learn to get OCD which is what happened to me at a very young age of 5 or 6 years old and still prevails 58 years later.

Trying to be perfect could cause you to procrastinate and then cause anxiety, and if you aren't satisfied then negative side effects, low self esteem, stress and depression will unfortunately happen.

The answer to your question is yes it would be a good idea to a psychologist but you will need a referral from your doctor. Geoff.