Relationship With Overseas Girlfriend - Is it worth it?

[Andy21]

hi guys.

So a little bit of background. I'm Australian, my girlfriend is Canadian. We met overseas a few years ago when travelling separately and became good friends. She came to Oz for a working holiday and during this time our relationship developed. We're a couple now, living together and have the same bank account (for renting reasons). Anyway, she has been struggling bad here. She has a job she doesn't like, as well as she's struggling to make new friends. She admits to "not being herself" and is getting depressed. I feel guilty as all hell because she made it clear she's staying cause of me. I have tried to make it better with her, but she keep freaking out (every fortnight or so) and constantly picks on new things (mentioning she wants kids in 5 years, when she previously disliked the notion of kids, worried about visa rules with us, struggling to get over a female friend I have who I have purely platonic relationship I have). When I speak to her to reassure her that everything will be okay, she calms down, gets jolly again. And the cycle repeats.

She will be going back to uni in Canada at the end of the year and I have elected to go with her, as I'm at the stage of my life where I am over my job, need new experiences and so forth. So I have told her so, but she still freaks out. I have told her before to go home if she doesn't feel right, as I understand where she is coming from. But she changes her mind and decides to stay because of her love for me.

So I'm stuck on what to do. And it is starting to bear down on me. I'm beginning to feel if it all worth it. I really do love her and I'm over the mood when I'm around her, but I don't know what to do when she breaks down all the time and freaks. Any help would be great guys!

[JessF]

Hello Andy21, welcome here. So you have a girlfriend you love very much, and a relationship in which you feel very secure, but it seems less so for her. She's questioning her environment, her employment, your fidelity, her desire for children... that's a lot of angst from her side. And your reassurances only seem to work for a little while before the insecurities resurface.

I think open communication is always important. You have done your best to provide reassurances, but for whatever reason they aren't sticking. She is questioning a lot of life choices that are bigger than just your relationship as well. Have you described to her the feelings in your post above? In that you love her but the guilt and pressure that you feel is being placed on you is starting to make you question the relationship?

I know that's a big call and you may worry that it will lead to an argument, but there are unresolved issues here that need to be out in the open. If you're asking yourself, is it worth it, then that's a question you need to also put to her. It may affect her decision-making as well as yours.

[Andy21]

Hi JessF,

thanks for getting back to me.

Yes I have already told her about the feelings mentioned above to her. When I do, she apologise profusely and tells me that she's going through a tough mental period. She then says she'll be good soon and admits that she's going through this tough negative period. (She went in with such a bad mentality in her job that a lot of people at work think she's the "sad" one). In regards to my female friend, she admits she just doesn't like her and doesn't believe I'll do anything.

After these moments, she goes back to normal and gets happy again. So I'm stuck on whether I should just man up and tell her to go overseas and that's it. Could be better for us logistically and emotionally. At the same time when I see her, I can't get to it cause of the feelings.

[JessF]

Hello again Andy, so things are just going round in a circle by the sounds, and you're on the verge of telling her she should move back to Canada. What are the feelings that are holding you back from saying that's how serious your thinking is?

Perhaps it's time to try a different version of the conversation. Rather than focusing on your reaction to her current and past behaviour, have you tried having a discussion about *the future* and what you want/need going forward? Where you see yourself living, doing, what you need from a partner? And invite her to share what she needs and wants? A conversation that lays all the cards on the table in the here and now, rather than kicking the can down "but I'll be better soon" road. It's a form of avoidance, she is avoiding this discussion by putting it off till she's better, and it sounds like you may be avoiding it through fear of hurting her.

[usedshed]

Hi Andy21,

I had many overseas "girlfriends" due to studying in international institutions.

I understand your situation and I feel it as my own.

I don't want to be bare but my opinion is that you should let her go to her own way, relationship and love (what is the meaning of love?) always marry with personal interests, family values and and expectations, in addition it seems that she has some mental illness issues.

You need sometime away from her and think about what you are and what you want from your life so if this doesn't match with what your girlfriend wants, you should let her go.

Regarding my "girlfriends" I let them go because I was not ready to leave my country and my home to go deal with uncertainty.

[geoff]

hello Andy, if you go o/s with her what's stopping you from being the same way as she is now, she can't stay here because she wants to go back home because of her moods which are affecting the two of you, and who knows when she is going to get better, no one, so you swap your situation and then it's highly possible that the reverse will happen, so it's catch-22.
Let her go back and do what she wants to do, either with you or not with you, long distance relationships never work out. Geoff.