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Community Member

Hi everyone

I have been happily married for 2 years well that's what I thought I found out yesterday that my husband was on a adult dating site and was talking to others he swears it was only talking. He has depression and says he did it to feel validated by someone other then me that he just wanted to chat to people that don't know him. He said it started a few months after our wedding as he was scared that I would leave him eventually because of his depression. There was no meet ups just online chat. I however feel broken like our marriage meant nothing I feel cheated and angry. We have booked into marriage counselling but I just feel like I can forgive this and work it out. Does anyone have any advise for me

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Olive,

Whether you hang on and keep trying or leave is your decision no one elses. Keep that in mind.

So your toleramce for this decision of his is up to you.

I'd wonder why your husband doesnt write into sites like this one to discuss matters of mental illness or group therapy or more genetal chat rooms even mens sheds etc rather than a dating site.?

when my wife and I dated we agreed that once trust was broken it would never be repaired. We both often bring that subject up, how would it be if when we brought that up we'd always think about the time when I visited dating sites?

But it isnt as easy as that. Personalities are involved, maturity levels, etc. Some mental illnesses have excessive sexual energies as well. So you might find you can curb his lust excesses...but so early on in the marriage it isnt a good sign.

For what its worth, my opinion, the very least he needs is a jolt. I'd go away for a weekend. I'd tell him I'm going to reconsider my marital future due solely to those dating sites. Make it hit home.

Upon my return I'd tell him I'll stay but one more wrong move of trust and its over. I'd do that if it was his only major flaw I'd have to work on.

Congratulations in seeking a counselor and good luck. We are here for you anytime.

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Olive

Welcome to BB.

Having depression is a concern, and where I don't think that having depression justifies his actions, I guess I would also have to consider what other behaviours he has previously presented in respect to his depression. Have you previously spoke with the doctor regarding his treatment? how to support him? things to watch out for?

I think it is great that you are seeking counselling. I also like that you want to forgive him and move forward (that's probably what I would do).

But since it was only online chat, she shouldn't have had any concern in letting me read through the messages sent and received??? But, should he be unwilling, or if he is unable to give you the password, or has forgotten it, could be seen as a red-flag. An indication that additional time is needed to confirm that message was deleted.

Perhaps it's a result of my successes and failures, but I am always weary of the wolf in sheep's clothing.


Community Member

Thank you for the replies, we have been able to discuss in depth and we sat together and deleted everything including his email and set up a new one. I now have access to everything including banking. His chats on the site was nothing sexual and people would stop talking to him because it wasn't. He has shown me this before we deleted.

im trying to understand his depression not having depression myself makes it hard to understand. He has booked in with a counsellor to talk about it. He has had episodes before where he would lock himself away or go out on a binge for a few days but nothing like this. He tells me he doesn't feel he deserves me and has never understood why I chose to be with him. He has always thought I would leave because of his depression and went on the sites to see if he would be able to move on if I did.

Thats very good news Olive. I hope it all works out for you.

It sounds promising

Tony WK

Hey Olive

Cool-cool. I am really happy that it's working and you're moving forward. Always remember: whatever doesn't break you, makes you stronger.


Visiting "adult" dating sites only a few months after the wedding is a massive red flag. I'd be seriously considering his suitability as a valuable husband. Sorry