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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Sue1708 Not sure how to move on!
  • replies: 2

Four and a half months ago I was in a loving marriage with a man that said he would stand by me for life. Now, through my actions, he is in the arms of another woman and not even talking to me.You see, before I met him I got in to trouble with the la... View more

Four and a half months ago I was in a loving marriage with a man that said he would stand by me for life. Now, through my actions, he is in the arms of another woman and not even talking to me.You see, before I met him I got in to trouble with the law and in August, I went to court and was sent to prison for 4 months.It happened 5 days after our first wedding anniversary. He knew about what was going on but I was trying to be positive and hope that it would be fine and not end up with me in prison. Just before this happened, I owed some money to a government department, which was related to the case, and was told that if I paid it, it would help my sentence. It was for a significant amount and we didn't have that money, so I asked my husband's sister to lend it to us.Being ashamed of what was happening, and not wanting her to know what was going on, I lied about why I needed the money and said it was for our deposit for the house we were building.I said I would pay it back within the week, which was possible, but then with the lawyer fees other expenses to try and win the case, I ended up using our savings and not having the money to pay her back. One lie led to another and another and because of how ashamed I felt, I couldn't even tell me husband where all the money went, I kept saying that there was a problem with the bank. When I was sent to prison, my husband had to deal with everything, including everyday things plus what happened to the money to go back to his sister and our savings for our house. I couldn't tell him to his face, so taking the weak way out, I sent him a letter telling him everything. I spoke to him one night and the letter hadn't arrived, so I told him everything on the phone. The disappointment in his voice killed me.Not only was he trying to cope with how I betrayed him, he was also finding out that I was pretty hopeless with finances and didn't pay our bills on time, so a few were with debt collection companies. Needless to say, he was finding it hard to cope when we could only talk for 10 minutes a day.I found out when I got out, that 2 weeks after I went in to prison he had signed up to an adult dating site and was looking for company. Four weeks after I went in to prison, he started dating another woman, yet he never told me.I found out when I got home from facebook! I know it's all my fault and I kept saying sorry and if we talked maybe we could work through it,but obviously not. How do I move on? He's the love of my life.

UnhappyinTas Not Coping
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am new to this site. I have had 2 years of having a hard time with depression. It started 2 years ago with a break up & it took me 1 & a 1/2 years to feel ok. Ive had ups & downs, some months good, others bad. I thought I was getting there lead... View more

Hi, I am new to this site. I have had 2 years of having a hard time with depression. It started 2 years ago with a break up & it took me 1 & a 1/2 years to feel ok. Ive had ups & downs, some months good, others bad. I thought I was getting there leading up to Xmas this year, & I met an amazing man 3 days before Xmas. We had an amazing 3 weeks together, I spent nearly every day with him in that 3 weeks. He is going through a divorce & a nasty financial settlement & he has a high pressured job & hence really run down this time of year (hes a chef) anyway, he told me last week that he cant gethurt again & he cant bring the walls down of his heart, he needs to know if its right before he makes his mind up about "us ". Since then he has backed off & Im am just so sad, its all accumlated to me having a mini meltdown I guess. My Dr has put me on antidepressants (started yesterday) do they work? Will they help me? I feel so low & so scared. My pyschologist is amazing (seeing him today) but why when I finally thought I found happiness (first time in my life) does this happen? How long do I give this guy a chance to see if he wants a relationship with me? Its been a week? Should I just end it myself, or just give him more time? Or should I just read the writing on the wall with him being a bit distant? Or is that normal for a man to think things over & need time? I am so scared of my future, I hate my job & just cant see a way out. Im faling down the preferbial rabbit hole. And why have I fallen into such a depression from sumone ive only known 4 weeks? I cant see how life can ever be happy'? I just feel so lost & sad & cant see the light at the of the tunnel. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Helen58 I am having trouble coping lately
  • replies: 7

My name is Helen, I'm 56 years old and I'm new to all this so please understand if I'm not too clear. Several years ago I'd sat beside my mother as she'd passed away (aged 86) from bowel cancer. From the time it was diagnosed to the time she passed w... View more

My name is Helen, I'm 56 years old and I'm new to all this so please understand if I'm not too clear. Several years ago I'd sat beside my mother as she'd passed away (aged 86) from bowel cancer. From the time it was diagnosed to the time she passed was about 8 weeks, so there wasn't a lot of time to grieve. Dad had died when I was little and Mum had raised 6 of us, never marrying again, so she had very little time to spend with each of us individually but she did the best she could. What started my depression was that even before she had been placed in palliative care, the rest of the family were already fighting over the spoils, even clearing out her house while she was in a general ward at the hospital. I was never given anything from the house to remember her by which was ok as I had the privilege of being there at the end anyway. A couple of years before Mum's passing, one of my older sister's died from lung cancer, being a heavy smoker. Then Mum. Then within the next couple of years all of my pets passed on, having had them for 10 years or more. Then about 4 years ago my grandneice (15 years old) was killed in a car accident. Less than 3 weeks after this, one of my older brothers passed away from bowel cancer and within 24 hours of his passing, my last remaining older sister passed away from lung cancer (also a heavy smoker). By this time I was a wreck as the rest of the family each had a significant other to help them get through it and I was still living alone. (Still am now). The sadness was unbearable and I just gave up almost. I had owned a house that ended up being reposessed because I couldn't function enough to keep it going. Then I moved in with my last remaining older brother and his "significant other" who took a dislike to me because I took my brother's attention off her. Then for some unknown reason, my son and my daughter in law decided that taking me to the Guardianship Tribunal was the best way to "Help" me as they didn't think I was fit to look after myself. I was working and at the mediation, they were the ones made to look bad by the panel solicitor who thankfully stood up for me. They haven't spoken to me now in nearly 3 years and this week I just lost it. It's all too much! Back on the meds again after stopping in 2011. There's more but I'm stressed enough as it is. How would any of you cope with this? I could really do with a just huge shoulder to cry on at the moment so I thought this forum would be very helpful for me to vent.

Anotherone Heartbroken and struggling
  • replies: 4

My fiancé broke it off with me just before Christmas. Finding it really hard atm. I feel like someone's died.

My fiancé broke it off with me just before Christmas. Finding it really hard atm. I feel like someone's died.

Caitie Long Distance Relationship Making Me Depressed - HELP!
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start at the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, all of that long distance. We live 3-4 hours apart and see each other every second or so weekend for a couple of days... View more

Hi everyone, I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start at the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, all of that long distance. We live 3-4 hours apart and see each other every second or so weekend for a couple of days. I love him to death and want to be with him forever, but long distance has always been really hard for me and I always turn into a bubbling mess when he or I leave after the weekend. Lately I have been feeling really sick and anxious on the day he's coming up to visit and then feel worse when he leaves. I feel like I'm starting to resent him coming up because I know he just has to leave again. I was at his place for two weeks over Christmas and felt sick on the day I was driving up and on the day I was leaving. I don't understand what's happening to me cause I know I love him more than anything and I always feel happy when I'm with him but lately I've been having these awful thoughts about everything being to hard and questioning if I still want to be in the relationship which is a load of crap cause I know I want to be with him and even marry him one day! Were just stuck in this impossible situation because where he lives there isn't many jobs going and he lives with his parents and I don't want to move in with his parents! The only way it's going to stop being long distance is if we buy a farm together and I can find a job out there. I'm also very unhappy in my job and want to leave but feel like I'm stuck! I'm going to see a doctor because I think I may have depression as I'm just always so anxious and scared. I'm so worried that I'm going to lose my boyfriend because these thoughts are making me resent him always leaving but I know I love him. I'm trying so hard to think positively and remember how happy he does make me but it feels like I'm stuck in this black hole of sadness. Has anyone else been through something like this? How did it work out?

Drifter marriage failing
  • replies: 1

married in 2009, best year of my life falling apart now. our issue is trust. she doesnt trust me because shes insecure ill be w/ any female ive ever known. i try desperately to explain shes the only 1 4 me but she rejects all my assurances, apologies... View more

married in 2009, best year of my life falling apart now. our issue is trust. she doesnt trust me because shes insecure ill be w/ any female ive ever known. i try desperately to explain shes the only 1 4 me but she rejects all my assurances, apologies, attempts to massage her, etc. i feel so hurtt & unwanted. i never did anytjing & have a hard time with this rejection. she is moving on & i find it so hard because its not wht i want. i try so hard to show her i am trustworthy & have nothing to hide but she seems to be set in her way of leaving me regardless. i feel like i am a loser for not taking a hint. i feel so betrayed because i feel this is all a faux excuse out of our marriage. i feel she must be seeing other men brhind my back & feel so hurt but cannot find the strength to leave her in any case. i will try any approach. what should i do?

Bullfrog Relationship ending not coping need help
  • replies: 2

My current boyfriend and I have had a few problems, put the issues aside we have a tear relationship he has taken on my 3 kids and is amazing. We have created something solid, the kids love him they consider his family their family he always told me ... View more

My current boyfriend and I have had a few problems, put the issues aside we have a tear relationship he has taken on my 3 kids and is amazing. We have created something solid, the kids love him they consider his family their family he always told me he wouldn't leave me and i believed him. there are issues I have when we argue i escalate them and my insecurities and fears of him leaving when we fight are distressing and I done act right. i am in counselling gettin help from this but his at the point where his unsure and wants to leave me. I love him I don't want to lose him. The build up of fear and emotion and confusion is eating me alive and it's hard to function. I'm lost and broken. I want this man, I want his love now and for ever. My kida are going to be so hurt as well they love him and want and need him in their life as much as I do. I have no idea what to do, I don't have much support so it's hard. I'm scared. In hurting I just want to be loved wanted and needed

white knight Ending a relationship/marriage- the best way
  • replies: 3

Lately, especially post xmas, Beyond Blue has had numerous new threads about breakups. Posters are seemingly lost and insecure as they battle their way through the myriad of feelings, emotions, assets and children. But it is the grief level that is c... View more

Lately, especially post xmas, Beyond Blue has had numerous new threads about breakups. Posters are seemingly lost and insecure as they battle their way through the myriad of feelings, emotions, assets and children. But it is the grief level that is common among these people as they juggle their sadness with their demons. There are many things in life we are never prepared for. I mean, at school were you ever educated about how to break up with your boy/girlfriend? how to manage your money? how to raise a child? how to light a fire? How to avoid violence? etc. So life's skills in these areas are learned...the hard way. No wonder some consider suicide. Those thinking suicide should read at least the first post of the thread 'think b4 you act'. From a brave poster that survived his attempt only to suffer many operations just so he can live a life. And in 1996 I planned mine. Thankfully my dear daughters 7 and 4, their future without their dad, meant more to me than my own infinite sadness. Soon I might enjoy grandchildren!! And my grandchildren enjoy me. So, you've read the above thread that is recommended. You are suffering enormous grief. You might be now living at a relatives place or temporary . You've likely lost your neighbours, pet/s and in laws.What do you do? Firstly, if you can, once the choice of not returning to your partner has been made- finalise your separation. Settle if you can all assets. Do not contact him/her after that has been done (unless you have children). If you do your grief period will be extended. Allow yourself to grieve. Friends might take you out to help but if you do not want to go- dont. Keep yourself busy- hobbies, activities, groups, get fit, travel, seek out old friends, plant a garden, satisfy your spiritual needs.Relax. Rebuild. When ready go out on dates but if you dont want a relationship then dont have one. Dont fall victim to "what is expected of you". You are free so feel the freedom. If you miss your ex partner then do yourself a favour and remember the reasons the relationship failed. If you do desire to be reunited then start off as friends again, take it slow.Dont be pressured. Counselling? Children involved?Your most important obligation is to your children, their needs which includes their healthy relationship with their other parent if that parent was not abusive.Seek middle ground with your ex on matters with your children. Never demonise your ex in front of your kids, only praise. Keep communication open. Tony WK

Ronda Dont know where to turn
  • replies: 3

About 6 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship towards the last 5 months of the relationship I started to get the feeling something wasn't right everyone that I turned to kept telling me not to be silly nothing was going on it was all in my h... View more

About 6 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship towards the last 5 months of the relationship I started to get the feeling something wasn't right everyone that I turned to kept telling me not to be silly nothing was going on it was all in my head i started getting very depressed about it all I kept turning to my best friend for help but she let me fall flat on my face.i lost all of my friends because they all thought I was making everything up no one would believe me until a few months back it came out that it was my best friend he was cheating with. I started drinking a lot ended up going for DD cause I just didn't care anymore I was put onto anti depressants started to see a psychologist which I didn't feel helped. i stopped taking the meds about 4 months ago and was doing better. But lately I have been having dreams about everything that happened and I'm waking up so angry and i can't seem to stop thinking about it all which is upsetting me and making me angry to the point I want tohurt them for the pain they have put me through. my doctor is currently on holidays so I can't get in to go back on my meds for a few days but I don't think going back to a physiologist is going to help I don't know what else or where else to try.

BME1994 What can I do? I feel heartless
  • replies: 2

MY story begins basically with a girl who I fell in love with for the first time. I was never in love before but the closer we got, the greater our feelings were. Anyway long story short, she decided to cheat on me with another man and my heart was d... View more

MY story begins basically with a girl who I fell in love with for the first time. I was never in love before but the closer we got, the greater our feelings were. Anyway long story short, she decided to cheat on me with another man and my heart was destroyed. I thought maybe it was the way I looked or acted but she insisted that she just wanted to have sex at the time. Then as she admits to leading me on, she tells me that whilst talking to me she had feelings for several other guys and kissed them on separate occasions (including her ex) and at that point depression began. Knowing that I was used for attention, I cut all contact with her and banished her out of my life completely. But since that day from knowing what she did and the fact that she denied time and time again that she has kissed other guys while leading me on (before coming clean) and saying I was the only one she liked, I have felt this weight on my shoulders as if it''s aburden to smile these days.I don't see the point in anything. My heart, self esteem and soul have taken a huge beating that everyday I am depressed about everything. Im angry, Im hurt, Im sad and I'm just damn confused. It started small but got bigger and bigger that suicide began to cross my mind. I don't know that to do. I'm always feeling fatigued and depressed, Im always anxious about life and I can't find a solution. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.