Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

jammy Dazed and confused
  • replies: 1

This is my first post and I will jump right in. We have a just over a year that included my mother in law dying, then within 6 months two other relatives died. I had to organise and put both of my parents in a nursing home while dealing with family i... View more

This is my first post and I will jump right in. We have a just over a year that included my mother in law dying, then within 6 months two other relatives died. I had to organise and put both of my parents in a nursing home while dealing with family in denial about their condition. Two old friends died as well. I work part time as a carer and am my husbands carer as he has a number of serious physical problems, as well as PTSD. This past year has obviously been hell for him with three family deaths, among others, and now me cracking up.I saw a psycologist to help deal with the stress and depression, and she confirmed that my parents were indeed abusive throughout my childhood, and up to now really at the ripe old age of 57.I feel great relief on having this confirmed as my sister has always denied it happens ( Iwas a constant disappointment, she - the golden haired girl) but also angry, sad, generally brassed -off! How do I deal with all of these issues and stay sane.

Brian61 Christmas Divorce
  • replies: 5

My wife told me on Christmas Day that she hated me and wants a divorce. I feel sick and want to vomit. I am so tired and cant do anything. Bored and lonely. My life is in upheaval again. Sad.

My wife told me on Christmas Day that she hated me and wants a divorce. I feel sick and want to vomit. I am so tired and cant do anything. Bored and lonely. My life is in upheaval again. Sad.

Magyarok Workplace Opportunity / Ultimatum?
  • replies: 16

Hi All, I work in the public sector in western australia which has experienced massive cut backs due to the incompetency of the current state government. I was one of the unfortunate ones to receive a letter informing me that my project has ended, my... View more

Hi All, I work in the public sector in western australia which has experienced massive cut backs due to the incompetency of the current state government. I was one of the unfortunate ones to receive a letter informing me that my project has ended, my position has been abolished and i am now a surplus requirement to the department i work for. Fortunately i have permanency so they can't get rid of me just like that without going through a process. This puts me on the unattached list and gives me priority for a transfer. However new legislation is about to come in which will force permanent employees to accept involuntary redunancy. I've also learnt that another 50 permanent positions are about to be cut. Therefore i was told that i should strongly consider any opportunity that comes my way or face the possibility of involuntary redunancy. So i've been offered two opportunities ....... First Opportunity - move 3000km away to the north. This is an amazing opportunity, it is something completely new and different and it would diversify my skills and experience. Problem it is truly remote and my wife would not be able to cope with the remoteness and the stifling heat and humidity. If i was younger and single again it would be a no brainer - i'd go! Second Opportunity - move 900km to the south and continue doing what i was already doing but in a different location. Problem is it is a specialist role and it won't diversify my experience and the whole program is under threat so i could be again faced with the same problem in a couple of years time. Major Problems - my wife doesn't want to move and i can't blame her! We are well set up where we are, my 5yo daughter goes to a good school, everything is convenient, we like it here but because we live regionally there are no other reasonable opportunities for me so if i want to continue paying the mortgage then i have no option than to move away. I have been given three days to make a decision which will have major implications on my family. My wife has been crying alot because of it. I will miss my beautiful wife and beautiful 5yo daughter desperately but i feel i have no other choice. I feel a dull sickness in my stomach and my head is swirling because of it. I feel as though my life is at a real crossroads and i am completely lost as to what i should do? I guess because of the current employment situation my problem is not uncommon. Thanks for reading Regards Dave

brokendown Feeling totally Broken
  • replies: 3

I'm not really sure where to start. I've been married for almost 9 years, together for 12. I guess the entire time we've been together, probably even before my husband has had a binge drinking problem. It's not that he drinks all the time, it's that ... View more

I'm not really sure where to start. I've been married for almost 9 years, together for 12. I guess the entire time we've been together, probably even before my husband has had a binge drinking problem. It's not that he drinks all the time, it's that when he does it's to an excess of no limit, where he ends up vomiting and passing out or if I'm there to stop him, him hurling abuse at me because he thinks he should be able to keep going. The next day he's apologetic, disgraced in himself, but it makes no difference to it stopping. I have tried to work through it with him. Tried asking him to give up all together. Earlier this year it had gotten so bad that I ended up leaving, he made promises to me that he would give up never do it again. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and it happened again. This time was the worst. He ended up vomiting in his sleep, and choking on it until I woke him. He wasn't capable of getting to the bathroom and proceeded to sit up and vomit on the floor. I'm at my tether, I'm so hurt and betrayed and I don't think I can have that in my life anymore. After lots of talking we have decided that he needs to get better help that isn't just me, but unless that happens we can't continue. He has since moved out to work on himself and give me space, I'm so sad and miserable I don't know how to deal with the hurt. He keeps asking if there's a chance we'll figure things out and all I can focus on is trying to get through this hurt. I'm also afraid that I may never fully trust him again. I guess I didn't really have any questions exactly I just needed to get this off my chest and hope that someone might want to listen.

Amali Confused by a break-up
  • replies: 4

Hi, I have been trying no contact with my ex for about 4 months. By this I mean he has been texting and calling and I have been ignoring. Besides one text to say it's too hard on both of us if we stay in contact and then on Sunday morning he rang wak... View more

Hi, I have been trying no contact with my ex for about 4 months. By this I mean he has been texting and calling and I have been ignoring. Besides one text to say it's too hard on both of us if we stay in contact and then on Sunday morning he rang waking me up, I picked up the phone and he pleaded with me for half an hour to take him back and that he can't not have me in his life. I do really miss him and am equally devastated by the break up as we were building a house together and about to move in. But this is the second break up in 2 years and his actions never match his words, he tells me I deserve better and that he can treat me how I deserve but I just can't risk the pain again, if he let me down a third time. I guess I'm confused by his behaviour as he used to treat me like a princess and then I think a mixture of immaturity, losing his mum to cancer, steroid use, wanting to impress his friends and other girls, got the better of him and changed him for the worst. I guess a small part of me wonders if I made my decision too rashly and gave up on him too soon, but being with him, dealing with his lies and emotional manipulation was just so exhausting it tipped me over the edge. And now I'm even more confused as to why he wants to patch things up when we've already tried that time and time again. He wont give up, we both love each other, the damage is done but how to completely say goodbye to someone who was such a massive part of your life? amali

gnull Friendship makes me lonely
  • replies: 3

Hello I get lonely constantly then when i am with other people i just get more lonely. I have real trouble feeling close to anyone this has been a common theme for most of my life. Sometimes I believe there is no cure for loneliness. I stay home and ... View more

Hello I get lonely constantly then when i am with other people i just get more lonely. I have real trouble feeling close to anyone this has been a common theme for most of my life. Sometimes I believe there is no cure for loneliness. I stay home and feel alone or hang out with ppl and feel more alone there's no winning.

Dustin Lost mother, grandfather then wife cheated
  • replies: 2

I am bairly functioning you wouldn't know it to talk to me I seem like my outgoing self. I can't do anything when I'm at home and alone. I haven't grieved properly over lossing my mother or grandfather due to the chaos in my relationship. We were mov... View more

I am bairly functioning you wouldn't know it to talk to me I seem like my outgoing self. I can't do anything when I'm at home and alone. I haven't grieved properly over lossing my mother or grandfather due to the chaos in my relationship. We were moving 2000 miles away to live our dream when our dream house fell through she started dating a doctor ( because i didnt keep my promise to quit smoking she says because it kills our sex life she says) who has been chasing her for years ( I found out ) she broke it off with him told me all the details (devastated me) moved to our dream location with out me telling me to come with her. Now six months later she bought a house she can't afford without me. She is waiting for me to get there and I can't even bring myself to pack. I'm so torn. I love her and hate her at the same time. I'm so depressed and don't know how to get through this

Amali Feelings of guilt after break up
  • replies: 9

I'm 4 months into a bad break-up. He was my first love and we had big plans for marriage and children. He has sent me occasional messages saying he wants to talk as he's not coping well, and a week ago he called and left a message saying he really ne... View more

I'm 4 months into a bad break-up. He was my first love and we had big plans for marriage and children. He has sent me occasional messages saying he wants to talk as he's not coping well, and a week ago he called and left a message saying he really needs to talk. I 'm trying my hardest to keep no contact as this is the second time in 2 years we have broken up and I want to stay strong this time as I know I can never trust him again. What i'm struggling with is feeling guilty for ignoring him when he reaches out, as I think he needs help that I can't give him, I cant help him through it because I'm trying to deal with it myself. He thinks talking will help both of us but I think it will only make it harder. I've told him this in a text. But I think he will try to contact me again. He told me that losing me is the same as losing his mum 2 years ago, and I know that break ups can feel like a death, but he's had a double hit of losing 2 important people in his life and I still care about him. This doesn't change the poor way he treated me and I have given him too many chances. I am also so so terrified of running into him. Thoughts of him with someone else flood my mind and cause a lot of anxiety, I know it's inevitable that I will eventually see him with another partner but I know I wont be able to handle it, it makes me so sick. I know it's not healthy to avoid going out and living my life, but at this stage I feel if i saw him I will spin out of control and I'll be ringing him trying to work things out when I know its beyond repair this time. Any advice will be helpful Thanks Amali

Tank103 Gf cheated
  • replies: 11

My live in gf of 4 years had been sexting and possibly cheating with at least 4 men during our relationship...I caught her sexting pics to one of her ex bf 3 months before our break..her excuse alchohol...after our break I learned she confessed to ch... View more

My live in gf of 4 years had been sexting and possibly cheating with at least 4 men during our relationship...I caught her sexting pics to one of her ex bf 3 months before our break..her excuse alchohol...after our break I learned she confessed to cheating for 6months prior to break with one she picked up off park bench..that ended a month after our break and imeadiately afterward 6 weeks after our break she entered into a relationship with an aquaintance who has also been on her facebook page the whole 4 years..she denied cheating with him but deliberately posted pics on public social media.i was informed by her friends.. ..I've initiated indefinite no contact from her and her friends ..blocked social media..but the humiliation of her cheating and her new relationship is difficult to live with...I have the what was wrong with me syndrome going because her new man is obese whilst I'm slim and somewhat athletic...she is very attractive and slim

missd I don't know where to start..
  • replies: 3

Sitting here right now I would give anything just to see his face... It's gone from giving anything for a cuddle, give anything to hang out for 5 min, anything to hear his voice and now utter dispair because I just desperately want to see his face. H... View more

Sitting here right now I would give anything just to see his face... It's gone from giving anything for a cuddle, give anything to hang out for 5 min, anything to hear his voice and now utter dispair because I just desperately want to see his face. He was my world my rock my everything... My soul mate. The day he left is such a distant memory so why does the pain of losing him intensify each day to the point I can't feel anything and I'm losing myself all together. Maybe it's because I don't have a support network, or a single friend in the world. I know I did it to myself, I made him my world. Why wouldn't I? I had everything I could ever want in life and more right in front of me. We were perfect, how could it go wrong. But then it did... So bad. I will never forgive myself for losing him. I can hardly bare to live with the pain of knowing he was mine and I lost him. How do you get over that great love that rocks your to the core? I just want to be happy again. I can't pull myself out of bed morning after morning and place that fake everything's fine smile on anymore. I just want to be rescued... Rescued by him!